Posted on 06/07/2025 9:04:46 PM PDT by SeekAndFind
All couples fight, it’s a given. But when relationship stress mixes with work stress, financial angst, and family flare-ups, little squabbles can morph into damaging arguments.
As a couples counselor, I’ve seen how unresolved, repetitive conflicts can create a culture of negativity, which can whittle a healthy relationship dynamic down to resentment, disconnection, and loneliness.
For over 50 years, psychologist John Gottman, along with his wife and fellow psychologist Julie Gottman, conducted hundreds of studies on relationships and communication. They identified four toxic communication strategies that can lead to breakups, separation, and divorce — a theory Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
Couples who avoid these four communication pitfalls tend to have happier, healthier relationships:
When criticism and blame are present in a discussion, phrases like “you always” and “you never” tend to run amok. These types of expressions are unhelpful, and often elicit defensive responses.
Replace “you always” and “you never” with “I” statements. Try to make your complaints specific by stating a particular behavior, and then talk about your own feelings that came up.
Try this strategic formula: “When [X] happened, I felt [X] and [X]. In the future, I would love [X].
Here’s what that might sound like in a real conversation: “Last night when you called me a shrieking freak, I felt angry, then really, really sad. Moving forward, I would love it if you would curb the name-calling and just tell me what you need.”
Think self-victimization, excuses, and cross-complaining (i.e., responding to a complaint with one of your own). One partner's defensiveness signals to the other that they're trying to deflect, dismiss, or ignore, rather than repair. It can cause frustration, confusion, and self-doubt. This dynamic can lead to disconnection, loneliness, and emotional distress.
Listen to complaints with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to get a deeper understanding of how your behavior has affected your partner, like:
Repeat back your understanding of how your actions or choices affected your partner emotionally. Then take responsibility for your actions during the conflict, and offer a genuine apology.
For example, you might say: "I'm so sorry I shared your most embarrassing high school story with your work colleagues. I realize how awkward and uncomfortable that made you feel, and I feel terrible you had to relive those feelings again. Next time, I'll try to be more mindful when sharing childhood experiences."
Contempt includes lashing out in disdain, berating and belittling, using menacing language, and trashing your partner's character. It's "you hideous monster" and "you heinous witch."
In his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," Gottman shares his theory that contempt is a top predictor of divorce. It ups anxiety, explodes the couple's friendship, and shuts down sex.
Gottman's antidote for contempt is to co-create a culture of fondness and appreciation. This translates to expressions of warmth, affection, gratitude, and emotional closeness. It includes appreciating the little stuff, celebrating the big stuff, scheduling dates, and spending time together.
It can be as simple as letting your partner know that you're genuinely grateful for something they said or did. You might say, for instance:
All these little moments add up.
Usually stonewalling happens when one partner has become so angry, activated, or overwhelmed that they suddenly shut down, refuse to engage in further communication, and even physically remove themselves from the situation in the middle of an argument.
But the silent treatment is dangerous. It can leave the other person feeling frustrated, invalidated, and abandoned. It can trigger feelings of rejection, anxious attachment behavior, and emotional withdrawal. And in the long run, avoidance can squash vulnerability, erode trust, and fuel resentment.
In the repair process, both partners need to try to be open, honest, and emotionally present. If you or your partner are getting so worked up that you're about to storm off or go silent, it's time for a break.
You should both:
It just takes one partner, in the heat of conflict, to identify one of the four horsemen, lasso it, and ride it off the ranch. It can mean the difference between a relationship that explodes into a zillion pieces or lopes off quietly into the night — and one that thrives for the foreseeable future.
Kelley J. Brower is a former professional comedian and a psychotherapist who's specialized in couples and relationships for the last 10 years. As a Level 3 Gottman counselor, and a certified first responder crisis counselor, Kelley believes that when evidenced-based theories, techniques, and tools are blended together with solid experience, expert training, and a splash of creativity and humor, amazing behavioral changes can happen.
The key is pretty simple. Don’t get married. All problems solved.
Ahhhh, yes! The 4:00pm “porch time” we call it. A glass of wine, cheese and crackers. It does kind of wrap up the day nicely and sooth all the turmoil, doesn’t it. Mr. APD and I have done that everyday for 30 years (ever since our 3rd kid flew the nest).
That 3rd kid now lives with our daughter-in-law and the grandarlin’s just across the meadow. Some days they will walk over, stop in the kitchen to grab a beer and join us on the porch (they know they can always find us there), breath a big sigh and, “Ahhhh, yes!”
“I’m so sorry I shared your most embarrassing high school story with your work colleagues. I realize how awkward and uncomfortable that made you feel, and I feel terrible you had to relive those feelings again. Next time, I’ll try to be more mindful when sharing childhood experiences.”
Oh bleagh...too much leftist crap talk...
Then what? Go get your striped pjs and cradle a chai latte?
Respect each other...its not a competition. Its a partnership.
“Oh bleagh...too much leftist crap talk...”. Too many “I’s” when the problems are you. It does not address the problem, and the problem don’t get resolved if not addressed.
I don’t have any answers though when it gets to that point.
Me and wifey have a different way of arguing...when the heat gets TOO hot, one of us, usually her first, starts cracking jokes about whatever started the whole mess. Then it’s on to the comedic absurdities of the method of argument in light of the actual subject matter of the argument. After that? Well after that we are both usually laughing too hard to continue so we will agree to postpone until we can both be more serious about whatever the argument was about in the first place. It’s rare we ever get back to it though. Funny how a little comedy can destroy an argument quick, fast and in a hurry. Works for us.
“Dutch ovens: she doesn’t think they’re funny.”
Once I got my wife off of carbs, no more Dutch Ovens.
Try to shape your criticism in the form of a question:
“How could you possibly be so stupid?”
I think marriage therapist are a complete joke at best. You know what your problems are, you either fix them or not.
I remember taking a college class called Sociology of the Family. I had an argument with the so called professor in front of the class... I was in my early 30s. Don’t remember the exact argument she was wrong and I asked if she was married, she said no, asked if she had any kids, she said no and I asked if she had and siblings and she said no. I said I’d been married about 12 years at the time, have two kids and and asshole for a brother, you’re wrong and I know familes. Did quite well in class after that. Still married 52 years later to the HS sweetheart with 4 grandkids as well.
If you have problems you have to want to fix them.
The best advice I ever got regarding a relationship is if you wanna have a loving and helpful relationship, you have to argue. But argue with honor for each other.
“Can you share a little more about that?”
“How did that make you feel?”
**********
Yeah right
Try to shape your criticism in the form of a question:
“How could you possibly be so stupid?”
*********
LOL
“when the heat gets TOO hot, one of us, usually her first, starts cracking jokes about whatever started the whole mess.”
When we first got married my wife would occasionally get so mad at me she’d start crying. I would then start cracking jokes. It was hilarious to see tears of anger running down her cheeks while she was laughing out loud over my jokes. An hour later we were best friends again.
Those episodes were gone 50 years ago.
An ex- of mine was somewhat estranged from her father and after I got to know him better I realized that she is her father’s daughter, and I told her so. The mistake I made was saying it to her in front of her mother, who hated him with a passion and she knew that he and I got along well. The two women were co-haters and if Mom hated him, she had to hate him too.
My mother is an Olympic Gold Medalist at all four of these things. My step dad just puts up with it. I feel so bad for him.
These guidelines are useful in any family relationship.
Parent child sibs etc.
Any idea what a Level 3 Gottman counselor is, other than a follower in this stuff?
The Contempt one is the deal-breaker. A willingness to attack on a personal level crosses the line. That happened once in a marriage I was once in. I permanently checked out in under ten seconds. Both my trust in and affection for my wife were vaporized.
BS
Listsicles.
Funny, my relationships all went sour when my ‘soulmates’ started getting weird with the mogambo...
If a woman is telling a dude she loves him and getting hinky with basic PHYSICAL intimacy, the rest of this crap is style points on a dead relationship.
Not being greedy I agree with the story as long as she has millions and new car dealship I can go along with a lot..
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