The Bee Investigates: A Line-Item Breakdown Of How The Kamala Campaign Spent $1 Billion

The Babylon Bee ^ | November 9 2024 | The Babylon Bee

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With the news that Kamala Harris's campaign somehow ended up $20 million in debt after raising over $1 billion in donations, critics have started to wonder: how on earth did her campaign spend that billion dollars? Our crack investigative team at the Bee has gone to work and can now share a line-by-line breakdown of where all that money went:

$70 million for accent coaches: In retrospect, probably shouldn't have used Foghorn Leghorn.

$500,000 for Lizzo's catering: That's a lot of hoagies.

$70 million for surgery to re-attach Tim Walz's arms every time they flew off: Not bad, honestly.

$10 million for NFL coaches to try to teach Walz how to talk about football: Must have been the Jets' coach.

$900,000 for Harry Sisson's puberty blockers: Harry goes off those, even that dude might wind up Republican.

$0 for valor for Tim Walz: Stolen!

$200 million trying to build that shrinking gun from Honey, I Shrunk The Kids so Kamala seems taller: Looking back, platform shoes may have been a wiser investment.

$37.50 for speechwriter: Yeah, this checks out.

$19 million for filming that gross commercial where an old Republican man tells some kid he can't watch porn: We don't want to talk about it.

$ 5 million for Gen Z graphic designers to write "Kamala HQ" in Arial font on a green background: For Gen Z, this was a steal.

$5 million for Doritos: Those gas station chips are pricey.

$500 for coloring books to keep Joe Biden busy: Honestly, really should have set aside more for this.

$600 million on wine: That's on boxed wine, people. Boxed!

$30 million for the rights for Tim Walz to sing "Single Ladies" at rallies: Totally worth it.

$500,000 on punching bags for Doug Emhoff: Ouch.

Well, it all adds up. Money well spent.

[Allegra]

I will do the same. We can do a virtual toast with the rosè.

I am going to the home of some good friends for Thanksgiving who are staunch conservatives. If my Trump chardonnay arrives by then, I’ll take it with me.

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Your welcome. When it comes to politics the fall of the Berlin Wall was the biggest event in my lifetime. The literal freeing of millions of people from the slavery of communism has no parallel. Now that Trump has won I think we have a light hearted giddiness and are looking forward to everything. I remember the same feeling back when the wall fell.