Posted on 08/03/2024 8:16:29 PM PDT by DoodleBob
No relationship, even the strongest ones, exists without at least an occasional argument. What separates resilient couples from others is the way they're able to handle conflict.
The way partners communicate is the most important, especially when feelings run high and tempers are heated. "Before you speak, take a beat to consider the impact of what you want to say," says Shari Foos, M.A., M.F.T., M.S., founder nonprofit group program The Narrative Method. "Try to anticipate how the information might make your partner feel, so you can show empathy to them while expressing what you want to say. Try writing out what you want to communicate from your perspective. Then edit it until you feel you can say it compassionately without skirting the truth.
Sometimes, the most essential piece of the puzzle is knowing when to put a conversation on pause. "It's always okay to wait, even when the feelings are urgent," Foos adds. "If you're too worked up, you won't be as thoughtful. It's fine to say, 'I want to share my feelings, but I need some time to gather my thoughts.'"
The opposite of that, though, is snapping, blurting out hurtful things or putting a partner on the defensive. With that in mind, here are nine phrases to never say to a partner. They're not likely to lead to a productive discussion or lead to greater empathy. "Nobody wants their feelings to be ignored, particularly when either or both of you are already dealing with stress," Foos says. "Starting with a complaint inevitably puts the other person on the defensive and when our insecurities are evoked, we are less able to appreciate the other person's perspective." To keep things on the right track, strike these phrases from your mind.
This shows that it's over, and there's no point in even trying to hash things out. "Even if that's how you're feeling in the moment, even if you're ready to break up, why bother having a conversation if you don't want to try to understand each other?" Foos says. "It's not worth the temporary relief of blurting out your feelings when you're putting your partner's vulnerability and the future of your relationship at risk. Instead, choose your words and be aware of the body language that brings nuance to your communication."
Anyone who's been on the receiving end of this one knows how frustrating it can be — it's dismissive to the point of being downright gaslighting. "Defensiveness is a maladaptive communication strategy," says Catherine Nobile, Psy.D., psychologist and owner/director of Nobile Psychology in New York. "It comes off as blaming. It shuts your partner's experience down and effectively sends the message that they are the problem."
In general, it's best to entirely avoid telling a partner how they feel. "We really don't know how someone is feeling, and it's their prerogative to either share that information or not," says Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist and author of Healing From Toxic Relationships. "It's important to embrace and support their autonomy, including letting someone feel what they feel." Try to be more open to a partner's true emotions, what they're trying to communicate and why they may seem so heated — if they're in the mood to share any of that at all.
Even if it's true, calling something "none of your business" just makes it seem like there's something to hide. "It’s healthy to have some privacy in a relationship, but secrets can be harmful," says Amy Morin, LCSW, psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do. "If you want to keep something private, explain that you don’t want to share a social media password, or you aren’t going to talk about a private conversation you had with a family member because you're setting a boundary surrounding your privacy, not because it’s not their business."
The threat is empty at best, or self-fulfilling at worst. "Unless you really mean it, don't use the threat of ending your relationship as a way to get them to take your complaints seriously or to change in the direction you want them to," says Stephanie Manes, LCSW, a relationship therapist in New York City. "In a moment of intense frustration or hopelessness, it's a natural reflex to say. 'I give up!' But if you keep saying it, you amplify the feeling that your whole relationship is on shaky ground."
In fact, these threats can send a relationship in the opposite direction of where it should be headed. "Ending an argument with the 'D-word' can stop your partner in their tracks," Dr. Sarkis adds. "It can prevent productive discussions, since you've sent the message to your partner that you no longer value the relationship." Rather than using that time and energy talking about throwing in the towel, it's better to address frustrations directly in the hopes of coming up with solutions.
When there's unequal division of labor in a relationship — or even the perception of it — of course resentment is going to build. But this isn't the most productive way to bring it up. "You’re discounting everything your partner contributes to the relationship," Morin says. "It won’t motivate them to change their behavior. Instead, it implies you're a martyr and they’re taking advantage of your kindness."
It's better to sit down and have each person go over their own responsibilities — which could be eye-opening on both sides‚ with each party learning what the other does that might not have been immediately apparent — and try to figure out a way to make a fairer split.
Nobody wants to feel like they're second best. "It's a low blow and puts your partner in competition with your ex," Manes says. "It creates relationship insecurity and decreases the likelihood that complaint will ever actually be heard."
"Comparisons can also breed jealousy and resentment toward the person they are being compared to, adding unnecessary tension to the relationship," Dr. Nobile adds. "Rather than making comparisons and criticisms, valuing your partner's unique traits and communicating openly about any concerns is essential, fostering a relationship built on mutual respect and understanding."
No one wants to be on the receiving end of the blame game. "It takes two people to contribute to problems and both people have responsibility for repairing them," Morin says. Even if one partner really does have a problem that's causing issues in the relationship, like one person drinking too much, assigning blame isn't going to help, Morin says. Instead, both partners need to come together, communicate with each other clearly, support each other and work together to overcome the issue.
Ideally, we shouldn't speak to anyone this way, let alone a romantic partner. In a relationship, it's a huge red flag — and also a sign that things aren't working. "Speaking to a romantic partner with contempt is the largest predictor of ending a relationship," Dr. Nobile says. "By speaking to your partner as though they're beneath you, you are attacking safety, trust and respect in the relationship. Research shows that contempt has negative effects on physical, psychological and relational health," and may be a sign that more help is needed.
Similarly, "always" and "never" are words that shut down a conversation rather than fostering it. "Making broad, sweeping, negative statements about your partner suggests that you only see what they do wrong, not what they also get right," Manes says. "And it's an open invitation for them to argue why your statement isn't true. In either case, you miss the chance to have them actually listen to you."
"If the same issue continues to arise and it remains unsettled," Foos says, "then the two of you have to put yourselves aside to appreciate each other's thoughts and feelings. We have to humbly appreciate that we can never truly know what another person is feeling no matter how well you think you know them or how many times you've been through 'this same issue.'"
An article written by a woman, for a woman’s magazine, which only quotes other women. Halfway through this I began to get the feeling that something was off and in going back to check, discovered the “dripping with estrogen” effect was due to an entirely woman’s point of view. I’m wondering why the original poster felt the need to post this on a board predominantly read by men.
Very.
“Ending an argument with the ‘D-word’ can stop your partner in their tracks,”
Dishes.
10. The lab report is positive.
There appears to be merit in what you say. We seldom argue, but when we do, one side or the other just shuts up. It’s hard to have an argument if you are the only one speaking. It works for us, and today is our 56th anniversary.
In high school, I once gained a collection of 8-track tapes after a breakup, but then I lost them in the next breakup. :-(
"Calm down, you're overreacting."
To each his own.
I posted it because it is a fruitful article.
Men AND women can benefit from staying far from words that cut.
The almost 50 posts on this thread come from men and women, offering insights and commentary that educate fellow FReepers.
I find it hard to believe there are so many thin skinned crybabies. Everything mentioned here so far should be forgotten by the next morning.
The real dangerous things you should never say:
#1 I would leave you if I knew where to go.....or any other version of “leave you”.
My mother, when I was really mad and threatening to do bad things for revenge, always said the same thing...”Don’t burn your bridges behind you.”
Excellent advice. Tere are certain things that you can destroy that can never be replaced. Threatening to leave, divorce, or similar acts burn a bridge that you will never replace.
#2 Threats. “If you break your ....whatever I am not going to nurse you. I’ll put you in a nursing home.”.
There are other examples, but you should get the point Each of the above is a definite threat to end the relationship. Threats are sure death to a relationship.
You may still live in the same house after a serious threat, but remember a house is not a home. The romance is ended.
I get a regular dose of 9, 7, 4 and 1
“Wake up. I can’t sleep.”
“What are you thinking?”
“Where is this relationship going?”
https://search.brave.com/search?q=whose+line+but+not+your+partner
Actions that cut, or inactions, are 1,000 times worse than any air cuts. Few relationships end over ill formed audio.
Bump
How about:
Didn’t your hair used to be darker?
wy69
I always say, “Don’t get nervous.”
Thats because in general, women run on feelz, men run on logic.
They believe they don’t have to justify feelings so whatever they do when running on feelings is ok and not able to be criticized.
Combine that with the fact most don’t feel they ought to be accountable or responsible for what they do in their dealings with men in their lives, and generally don’t want to have to live under the same relationship rules they demand men live under...
Yeah. Girls are icky and weird but still make me me feel inadequate, in a logical way, of course.
Don’t ask how soon dinner will be ready while she is still mowing the lawn.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.