Phyllis Dillerisms

email from friend | 10/17/2021 | Phyllis Diller

[sodpoodle]

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. -Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

-Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.

-Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

-Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle keep away from children.

-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. -Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

-Phyllis Diller

[Diana in Wisconsin]

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. ~ Phyllis Diller”

My favorite of hers. Cracks me up every time. :)

[Bobalu]

When I was a kid we lived in Webster Groves MO.

Diller lived a street over from us..by Webster College.
She used to let me and my sister swim in their pool when it was summer....

https://www.stltoday.com/news/local/obituaries/the-webster-groves-housewife-who-made-us-all-laugh/article_dd9dee16-eafc-11e1-b94e-001a4bcf6878.html

[Fightin Whitey]

When I was a kid we lived in Webster Groves MO.

Diller lived a street over from us..by Webster College.

She used to let me and my sister swim in their pool when it was summer....

That's amazing. The unseen lives of those who entertain.

Think of the collectibles that were scattered around you all the time.

Not that she was a super-star...but still, what a decent lady.

[DFG]

bookmark

[Bobalu]

She lived on Mason Ave and we lived on Joy Ave.

Then dad sold our house to the college and we moved to Summit Ave, three streets over.

I looked just now with instant street view and they put hideous blacktop parking lots all over...it looks awful.

Here's a streetview link to Diller's house, we could get to it by walking through a wooded area behind our house..

https://www.instantstreetview.com/@38.592943,-90.3494,86.49h,6.41p,0z,Z-psWHRZCgvftQA7ezcSLw

It's been a long time since I was in this area, I live on a farm about 120 miles from it now... and the St Louis area is not very safe anymore :-/

Here is a sat image of the area, her house is now surrounded on two sides by ugly blacktop parking lots...the red marker is at the front of her lawn. I remember that land with the parking lots just having trees on it...it was a great place for kids to play...I was like 8 or 9..I loved the area as we were close to the library and the College library..

[FalloutShelterGirl]

That’s what it’s called - I ran across that by accident one day and heard a couple of middle age comics talking about aging, teenagers, and assorted other topics that were in the “that’s funny because it’s true!” category! Hilarious and pretty clean humor, too. I had forgotten what it was called.

[1956tbyrd]

“My bra size is 40 long” - Phyllis Diller

[LizzieD]

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

-Phyllis Diller

Joe?

[Conservative4Life]

She always reminded me of my Grandma Mabel. So full of sarcasm and wisdom all in one.

[Trillian]

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The daily struggle. I folded three loads of laundry in the middle of the night and I still cant get them to put it away.

[Clutch Martin]

Is that the same pool, or is that where the pool was?

[Maris Crane]

I. LOVED. PHYLLIS DILLER. She was awesome and so funny at the same time.

[Bobalu]

It is in the same spot, and it is a rectangular pool...but it seems bigger than I remember it as a kid...