Posted on 10/23/2020 8:07:22 AM PDT by Colonial35
A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville. He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter.” The priest says, “My son, I’m here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
“Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.”Now we eat everybody.” And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!”
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut”?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said “About 2 hours”.
The guy left, but did not return that day.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long
before I can get a haircut”?
The barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 3 hours.’
The guy left and again, did not return that day.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can
get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said,
‘About an hour and a half.’ The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said ‘Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and
see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,
but he never comes back later.’
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, ‘So, where does he go when he leaves?’
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, ‘Your house!
Something to relate to...
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes;
come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!
I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pi$$ing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up,
it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... “I don’t need to write that down,
I’ll remember it.”
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is
shorter than “yes”.
I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!
When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?
I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid ... But it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to
someone I can’t understand anyway?
Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering
what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree. That makes it a plant which means.
Chocolate is Salad.
Q: In an apartment building in London, Ahmed lives on the first floor,
Mustafa on the second floor and Harry on the third floor.
The building explodes – who lives?
A: Harry of course – he was at work.
This is racist. Ahmed or Mustafa were also clearly at work.
Oh noes...lol.
My wife bought me a new set of bathroom scales.
After a few days, she asked “Do you like your new scales?”
I said “Yes. They are very accurate. I now know how much my poop weighs.”
She said “Do you weigh yourself, go poop and then weigh yourself again?”
I thought about it and said “I guess that technique would work.”
With the “world series” being played I’m reminded of a baseball story my dad told me.
Back in the 30’s, my dad played in industrial league baseball. Lots of factories and companies in those days had what would be considered semi-pro teams by today’s standards. Many showed up for the week end games, It was a good moral and team building activity for the workers.
Dad told me about a pitcher that was feared by batters in the league. His fastball was truly fast, but he could be a bit wild. The pitcher’s name was Mel Famey. He could have gone to the bigs. But you never heard of him because, sadly, he also had a drinking problem. Mel could pitch like nobody’s business. However in big games, with lots yon the line, he’d sneak beers into the dugout and was known to have one or two between innings to settle his nerves.
In one such game that my dad played, Mel was getting more and more wild with his high heat as the game progressed.. The game, and league championship, was on the line. It was the bottom of the 9th, game tied, and Dad’s team was batting. A batter was hit and took first base. A second and third batter were walked on balls. The bases were loaded....and so was Mel! Unbeknownst to the team’s manager, Mel had a bottle in his flannel uniform and took one giant swig before pitching to my dad. Famey wound up, threw a blazing fast ball hitting my dad in the hip. The last beer drunk caused the winning run to walk in. Or as my dad described it, “it was that beer than made Mel Famey walk us”.
Two in row! Good stuff.
My elderly neighbor was out in the yard the same time I was so I walked over to have a chat, as we so often have, over the years.
“Hey Walter! What’s new?”, I asked
“Oh. I’ve bad news,” he said. “I have aids”.
My jaw dropped. We’ve been neighbors for years. Walter and his wife Emily are like grand parents to our kids. Such wonderful people. “Oh Walter, I’m so sad to hear this! Are you sure it’s aids?”
“Yup. Aids! Medic-aid....Hearing aids...band aides....”
Oh? I got the impression, like all sports events, it was the Black Lives Matter Series. . . Silly me.
The Ilhan Omar Story...
I just found the thread and this one is great....Still laughing!
didn’t see that coming. lol
He out did himself last night “pronouncing” Giuliani !
I’m a native Houstonian.
That sounds like it came from Dr. Red Duke. A serious bad-ass, even in his 80’s.
You’re all crazy! All of you?
A+Bert was correct - there was no peanut butter better than Jif. And he was NOT DRUNK when he wrote that.
And if you don’t like that - who will ever know? Hmm?
That’s why things are the way they are - a lack of consistency.
What a mess! Fix it now!!!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.