Posted on 10/23/2020 8:07:22 AM PDT by Colonial35
A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville. He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter.” The priest says, “My son, I’m here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”
Snotty Receptionist…
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the
knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist’s desk,
I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like
a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me,
a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME
DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause! DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!
A well respected doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
“Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one
of his patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.”
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering: “You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard.”
Larry is my new favorite snot nosed kid
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class
by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds,
Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’
‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’
said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
‘What’s the matter, asked Larry ‘Giving up?’
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn’t paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, ‘Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’
Larry quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they
saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of
a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman.
‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’
Larry asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? “
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down
the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked,
‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses,
I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom.
LOL
Awesome.
I know an interpreter would get a kick out of this.
The Zebra Dies
The Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
As he enters, he asks St. Peter, “I have a question that’s haunted me all of my
days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?”
St. Peter said, “That’s a question only God can answer.”
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, “God, please - I must know am I white with
black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?”
“You are what you are.”
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him. “Well, did God straighten
out your query for you?”
The zebra looked puzzled. No sir, God simply said “You are what you are.’’
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, “Well then, there you are,
You are white with black stripes.”
The zebra asked St. Peter, “How do you know that for certain?”
‘Because, said St. Peter, “If you were black with white stripes, God would have said,
“You is what you is.”
WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama
will be comin after yo white ass!!!
“Cobra, cobra, cobra!”
LOL !
Great opener.
There are two types of zebra.
One is white with black stripes and the other is black with white stripes..............
Let the silliness commence!
A highway patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted
speed limit, so he asks the biker his name
“Fred,” he replies
“Fred what?” the officer asks
“Just Fred,” the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break,
and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”
The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to
be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,
and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was
Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with
my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.”
“Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA
taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Two policemen call the station on the radio.
“Hello, is that you Sarge?”
“Yes?”
“We have a serious case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping
on the floor she was mopping.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“No sir. The floor is still wet.”
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture
on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, the
lecturer asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands. “Well, that’s a good start.
Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hand.
“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, a
nd began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
“So, Ahmed, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”
Ahmed replied, “Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”
My Mommy The Dancer..., a real tear jerker
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up — teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor,
lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded
him about his mother, he replied, “Well my mother’s an exotic dancer in a cabaret and
takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her under-wear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with
him all night for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to
work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him,
“Is that really true about your mother?”No,” the boy said,
“She works for the democratic National Committee and is campaigning for Joe Biden,
but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”
LOL!
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a
broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.
“Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
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