Top 20, maybe?
h/t SaveFerris
Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.
LOL!! -
h/t McGruff
A Pirate walks in to a bar with a paper towel on his head.
The bartender says, "What's with the towel Captain?".
The Pirate says, "Aaaye matey, they put a bounty on me haid."
h/t Bill
h/t Diogenesis
I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing.
He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, plastics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".
I was impressed.
On further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water...
under his wife's supervision.
h/t Bill
h/t Leo
My books fell on my head; I have only my shelf to blame!
Shudda had this one for Halloween, but...
h/t fella
Women can remember every outfit they wore for the past decade. Men cannot remember what they wore yesterday without looking at the floor next to the bed.
When I woke up this morning I sensed something was wrong. I got out of bed, walked into the kitchen and found my wife face down on the kitchen floor. She was not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered: no worries, McDonald's serves breakfast all day.
My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes."
I replied, "I’m working at the moment, I will send you one later."
He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."
h/t Hildy
Teach your kids about taxes... eat 30% of their ice cream.
A co-worker told Bubba that his wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with Bubba's best friend.
Worried and hurt, Bubba ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker asked him how it went.
"Look," said Bubba, "don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend... I don't even know him."
h/t Ray76
It was pointed out to me that on election day the Democrat Party had a pretty big lead. Then, the Republicans got off work.
h/t GilGil
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
From Anthony Weiner: To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups.
