Posted on 09/30/2016 6:04:57 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Will someone translate this election, please?
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Translator gets 400 words to translate.
Client: How long will it take?
Translator: About a week.
Client: A whole week for just 400 words? God created the world in 6 days.
Translator: Then just take a look at this world and afterwards take a look at my translation.
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Two translators on a ship are talking.
“Can you swim?” asks one.
“No” says the other, “but I can shout for help in nine languages.”
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The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as “EuroEnglish”: –
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with the “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling k-an be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”‘s in the language is disgracful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaiining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
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Two cops are hanging around on a corner in the former East Germany shortly after the Wall fell.
Up ride two bicyclists from England, looking for directions.
"I don't speak German," one says to one of the cops, "Might you speak English?"
The cops shrug with incomprehension.
"Parlez vous francais," the biker says, non-plussed.
More shrugs.
"Parla Italiano?"
Shrugs
"Habla Espanol?"
Same thing. The guy even tries Portuguese and Latin, no luck.
Finally the bikers ride off, frustrated.
One cop looks at the other and says, "Hey, that guy spoke 6 languages!"
The first one shrugs one last time. "Yeah well, what good did it do him?"
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Funny Translator - Sign Language
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Funny Translator - She's fluent in 7 languages
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He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Nah, still not hungry."
"Well," she said, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
I love the English to Spanish pie chart! So funny!!!!
IN!!
LMAO.
Looks like a field mod on that riding mower. I like it. I need one.
After months of painstaking work and tracking the Texas Ranger finally tracked the notorious bank robber, Pancho Villa, to a bar in a small town in Mexico.
He walks up to Pancho Villa with his gun drawn and says, “As a duly sworn officer of the law I’m taking you in. And I demand to know where you hid the money you stole from the South Texas Bank.”
Pancho Villa looked up from his drink and said, “Lo siento, Senor. No hablo ingles.”
The Ranger, non-plussed, looked around to see that the bartender was the only other person in the room. “Do you speak English?” he asked.
“Si, senor, I speak great good English.”
“Translate for me.”
So the bartender speaks to Pancho Villa in Spanish and listens to his response. Then he says, “Pacho Villa say he not afraid of no skinny gringo he no care how big your gun.”
The Ranger took a Polaroid out of his pocket and showed it to Pancho Villa. “That’s right, I know where your family is. If you don’t tell me where that money is right now I’ll kill you, then I’ll go kill them. Translate!”
So he heard the bartender speaking again in Spanish. And, although he couldn’t understand a word, he listened as Pancho Villa begged for the life of his family. He explained that if the ranger followed the road past the end of town and kept going straigt he’d find a small, scraggly tree. If he walked 10 paces due east of that tree he’d be at the spot where the money was buried. A short dig and he’d have it all. But when he stopped talking the bartender didn’t translate.
“Well,” the Ranger demanded, “What did he say?”
The bartender, still shaking, said, “Pacho Villa say ... he say ... He no care if you bring him photo of strangers. And you can shoot him full of holes if you want. He no tell you anything you want to know.”
Looks like one of those “you had ONE job” pictures.
The Chicago Tribune editorial staff seems like they are abusing pot just like Gary Johnson, but not as bad as Dr. Howard Dean (who is acting like he is on crack) falsely accusing Trump of being on cocaine. Drugs are for dopes.
“’Her English is too good,’ he said, ‘which clearly indicates that she is foreign.’”
And although she’s been instructed by an expert dialectition and grammarian
I can tell that she was born ...
HUNGARIAN!
Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Mother nature answers:
Just you wait, Henry Higgens, just you wait!
Bkmrk
Isn’t saying “Black Moon” racist?
What is a “Blue Moon”?
Answer: What you get when a guy drops his pants in a snowstorm.
Marcels: Don’t hate me. I love your songs.
What is a “Moon Over Miami”?
Answer: A nude parachustist.
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