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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Tax-chick; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...

2,641 posted on 01/23/2016 3:54:45 AM PST by Tax-chick (Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe.)
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To: HKMk23

I use the Vick’s and/or Mentholatum on my chest as well as my sinuses. I don’t use it around my nose at all, as I find putting it on the sinuses is more effective.

But I can’t use the high-falutin’ stuff that other people can use. My body doesn’t like them. For example, NyQuil turns my brain to gray lint for 24-36 hours after a dose. I hate not being able to function.


2,642 posted on 01/23/2016 4:28:25 AM PST by Monkey Face (Everything the government gives you was taken from someone else. Except Social Security.)
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To: Harmless Teddy Bear

I do, too, but they are out of my price range, now. And so doggone THICK! LOL! Still packed with news you can use, though. ;o]


2,643 posted on 01/23/2016 4:32:43 AM PST by Monkey Face (Everything the government gives you was taken from someone else. Except Social Security.)
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To: Tax-chick; JRandomFreeper

Wellthatstinks.

RIP, JRandomFreeper.


2,644 posted on 01/23/2016 4:40:13 AM PST by Monkey Face (Everything the government gives you was taken from someone else. Except Social Security.)
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To: Monkey Face

Good morning.

Looks like we’ll have to call off the Stewardship Committee social, but I’m keeping hope up for another couple of hours, just in case we get an unexpected warm-up.


2,645 posted on 01/23/2016 4:42:32 AM PST by Tax-chick (Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe.)
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To: NoCmpromiz

THAT was stupendous!! Thanks! :o])


2,646 posted on 01/23/2016 4:48:01 AM PST by Monkey Face (Everything the government gives you was taken from someone else. Except Social Security.)
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To: Tax-chick

That is a beautiful shade of orange — cayenne? Most are very light colored, like pastel. I like this one! :o]


2,647 posted on 01/23/2016 4:50:11 AM PST by Monkey Face (Everything the government gives you was taken from someone else. Except Social Security.)
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To: Monkey Face

He is a real tiger.


2,648 posted on 01/23/2016 4:51:28 AM PST by Tax-chick (Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe.)
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To: Tax-chick

Are his eyes different colors? Or is that just the angle of the light?


2,649 posted on 01/23/2016 4:53:20 AM PST by Monkey Face (Everything the government gives you was taken from someone else. Except Social Security.)
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To: Monkey Face

It looks like two light-green eyes to me, although the angle of the sun makes his right eye (to our left) look a little darker.


2,650 posted on 01/23/2016 4:56:01 AM PST by Tax-chick (Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe.)
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To: Tax-chick; NicknamedBob; Covenantor; NoCmpromiz; Darksheare; All

Maybe that’s it.

I just saw the weather map and it looks like the worst of the storm is to the north of you.

However, the Imperial Weatherman seems to have let things run amok.

Still, I hope everyone is safe!


2,651 posted on 01/23/2016 5:24:47 AM PST by Monkey Face (Everything the government gives you was taken from someone else. Except Social Security.)
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To: Monkey Face; NicknamedBob

The Imperial Weatherman seems to have dumped a pile of snow on himself.

It’s not really cold here - my vegetable soup was out all night and didn’t even freeze solid.


2,652 posted on 01/23/2016 5:27:08 AM PST by Tax-chick (Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe.)
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To: Tax-chick

Wow. My eyes are all puffy and dry and I have no drops. I need to get more ulcer stuff and Ibuprofen, too.

My stomach is really churning, and I’m having some mint tea. I hope it helps.


2,653 posted on 01/23/2016 5:36:20 AM PST by Monkey Face (Everything the government gives you was taken from someone else. Except Social Security.)
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To: Tax-chick

I will be eating soup today. Probably chicken noodle if I have any...


2,654 posted on 01/23/2016 5:37:39 AM PST by Monkey Face (Everything the government gives you was taken from someone else. Except Social Security.)
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To: Monkey Face

I’ll make ham and potato soup later.


2,655 posted on 01/23/2016 5:47:17 AM PST by Tax-chick (Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe.)
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To: Tax-chick

Maybe you could DarkFAX some of it to me! LOL!

I’d go to Walmart to get the stuff I need, but the coin purse is kinda flat. And once I got it, I would stay in...


2,656 posted on 01/23/2016 5:55:57 AM PST by Monkey Face (Everything the government gives you was taken from someone else. Except Social Security.)
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To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face; NoCmpromiz

The Imperial Weatherman is under NC’s “totally screwed” bubble. (Post 2639)

However, I could imply that it is all a result of, as Doctor Emmett Brown once called it, “a science experiment”.

Be not dismayed, all is as it has always been; the universe is a calm and placid place that is utterly determined to destroy us all.


2,657 posted on 01/23/2016 6:13:57 AM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: NicknamedBob

I’m glad to see that you are still alive and kicking! Good morning!


2,658 posted on 01/23/2016 6:22:22 AM PST by Monkey Face (Everything the government gives you was taken from someone else. Except Social Security.)
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To: Monkey Face

Good Morning, yourself!

We’ve got a couple of feet of snow. I’ll go out in a bit to move some of it around. I’m not sure it has stopped yet.


2,659 posted on 01/23/2016 6:33:05 AM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: NicknamedBob

I’ve been watching the weather film from various places back east, and it sure does look like snow! LOL!

It’s been a long time since I was in a snow storm. It’s always very pretty, but also very deadly.

Yep...glob Al warming at work. ;o]


2,660 posted on 01/23/2016 6:41:37 AM PST by Monkey Face (Everything the government gives you was taken from someone else. Except Social Security.)
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