Go Tigers
Posted on 10/02/2014 6:12:26 PM PDT by Daniel Clark
The College Football Czar: Week 6
Week five in review: By the time the early Saturday games were over, the College Football Czar was only 2-6, but he rallied during the mid-afternoon and night games to finish with a record of 14-8 for the week. He is now 71-38 overall, for a .651 winning percentage. The Czar came very close to predicting three scores in Week 5, including Clemson’s 50-35 shootout win over North Carolina (predicted score 51-35), Stanford’s 20-13 win over Washington (20-14), and Washington State’s 28-27 comeback against Utah (31-30).
There were no real blockbuster games in Week 5, but now that we’re in the thick of conference play, the teams can no longer dodge each other. Last week, the only game between ranked teams was on Thursday night, between UCLA and an Arizona State team that obviously didn’t deserve its ranking. This week, there are six games pitting ranked teams against each other, and far more intriguing matches in general than we’ve seen to this point in the season.
The Czar has become concerned about the lack of enforcement of rules against unsportsmanlike conduct. Increasingly, players are discovering that they can get away with muscleman poses, throat slashes and Superman impressions. Even the “me eat sketti” move is making a comeback. As long as everyone’s pretending to care about the conduct of football players away from the field, one would expect the NCAA to follow its own rules regarding their behavior during the games. If the grownups of this sport don’t care about sportsmanship anymore, they could at least, in their roles as educators, drive home the point to the players that MIMES ARE NOT COOL!
Oct. 3
Louisville at Syracuse
During their last year as Big East rivals, in 2012, the Cardinals swooped into the Carrier Dome as national championship contenders with a record of 9-0. Their air attack wasn’t able to keep up with SU’s more balanced and controlled offensive, however, in a 45-26 shocker.
The Orange forced five turnovers last week, and still lost handily to Notre Dame, 31-15. Before that, they were mowed down by Maryland 34-20, despite having outgained the Terrapins by 220 yards. Their fans must wonder what it’s going to take to win a game at this point, aside from taking another road trip to Central Michigan.
The Cards held Wake Forest to a total of minus-22 rushing yards last week, and yet they trailed 10-7 going into the fourth quarter, after fumbling in their own end zone to give the Deacons their only touchdown.
Cuse quarterback Terrel Hunt’s completion percentage is down from last year, and so is his TD-to-interception ratio. Perhaps he could take a lesson from Nuke LaLoosh. You don’t use your throwing hand to punch a drunk – or a linebacker with his facemask still on, for that matter.
Louisville 21, Syracuse 16
San Diego State at Fresno State
If, as Aztec tailback Donnel Pumphrey’s surname suggests, he doesn’t have to pay for his gasoline, then no wonder he was burning rubber all over Qualcomm Stadium in last week’s 34-17 win over UNLV. The sophomore scooter pumphed up his season stats with 167 yards and four TDs, both career highs.
The Bulldog defense bottled up New Mexico in the second half of a 35-24 Friday night victory, after trailing 17-7 in the second quarter. Having given up 289 yards in the first half, FSU held their foes to less than one-third of that total, 93, in the second. This week, they’ll be facing a more versatile offense, and one in fact that has more yards passing than rushing this season.
In order to keep their team name, the Aztecs had to receive the approval of the real Aztec people. Unfortunately, they’re extinct, so the only evidence the team could produce on its behalf was a Beta videotape. Nobody has a Beta player anymore, so the NCAA just kind of assumed that the tape contains a video message from the Aztecs endorsing the use of their name by SDSU.
Oh, yeah? Prove it doesn’t!
San Diego State 34, Fresno State 30
Utah State at Brigham Young
These intrastate foes traditionally meet on the first Friday of October, as the lead-in to the annual LDS General Conference, which probably rates higher than the Big Ten right now in the power ratings. And, no, “LDS” does not stand for “Leaders,” and there is not also an LGS Conference.
There’s been a lot of wild speculation about the Cougars going undefeated, but their schedule is not as easy as it may seem. Their next five opponents are USU, Central Florida, Nevada, Boise St and Middle Tennessee. BYU is expected to win each individual one of those, but stringing together all five in a row will be a challenge.
In the Aggies’ last game, they lost to Arkansas State 21-14 in overtime, even though they gained almost a hundred yards more than ASU, and were a plus-3 in turnovers. They helped even out those stats, however, by going 1-for-4 on fourth-down conversions, and committing 11 penalties for an even 100 yards.
The winner of this rivalry game takes home the Old Wagon Wheel, which is easily one of the most valuable trophies in college football, because the players get to take turns spinning on it to make themselves dizzy. It’s not as good as alcohol, but it’ll do in a pinch.
Brigham Young 31, Utah State 13
Oct. 4
Pitt at Virginia
Wide receiver Manasseh Garner says that he and his fellow Panthers “don’t play for the fans.” The College Football Czar is willing to testify to that under oath, after attending last week’s lifeless 21-10 loss to Akron. At the prompting of coach Paul Chryst, Garner retracted his statement, sort of. “We appreciate all the fans who stayed with us, first quarter to the fourth quarter,” he said, “beginning of the game to the end.” Does that sound forced and insincere? The Czar doesn’t think so.
The Czar believes Garner’s initial remarks were meant for the “Sweet Caroline” dorks who booed the Panther offense for interrupting their weenie song a week earlier against Iowa. Because the sing-along is the only thing that gives meaning to their empty, pathetic little lives, those people tend to stream out of the stadium as soon as it’s over, meaning that they’re not around for the fourth quarter of the game. So, when Garner says he appreciates the fans who stay to the end, he is referring only to the real fans. In other words, if you’re not there to root for the team, the team isn’t there to play for you. There shouldn’t be anything controversial about that.
The book on the Panthers is out, and the BC Eagles must be kicking themselves for not having read it. Contain running back James Conner, and dare QB Chad Voytik to beat you. So far, he has not proven capable of doing it. This game plan may be easier to execute since last week, when Conner was hobbled after an awkward tackle on his first carry. Receiver Tyler Boyd was supposed to be an equally big threat, but his role has basically been reduced to bubble screens and fly sweeps. Don’t be surprised if they eventually start using him in a wildcat formation.
Last year, the Cavaliers spotted Pitt 14 early points, but their defense dominated as the game wore on. The same could not be said of their offense, in a 14-3 loss at Heinz Field, in which neither team quite reached the 200-yard mark for the game. The London blitz recorded nine sacks, which is why they only allowed eight rushing yards for the entire game.
Pittsburgh was originally part of the Commonwealth of Virginia, but it broke away because “there’s a pawn shop on the corner in Pittsburgh, Virginia” would make a really crappy song. But at least it wouldn’t be about some spangled weirdo wanting to touch an 11-year-old girl.
Virginia 9, Pitt 0
Kansas at West Virginia
The offensive Goo is gone, a third of the way through his third season at KU, taking with him a record of 6-22 in Lawrence, and 41-49 including his years at Notre Dame. His only Big XII victory was last year’s game against WVU, which the Jayhawks won 31-19.
The Medusa of Morgantown must be disappointed, no longer having another offensive sooooper genius against whom to match wits. His Mountaineers are 2-2, which is a lot better than it sounds, considering that the two losses have been in competitive games against Alabama and Oklahoma.
The most important addition at West Virginia has been Tom Bradley, the longtime defensive coordinator and short-time interim head coach from Penn State. Bradley must be relieved to escape that den of iniquity, and settle in a nice, quiet place where not much happens that’s too much worse than inbreeding, and the occasional emu farm incident.
West Virginia 27, Kansas 7
Nebraska at Michigan State
The conventional wisdom says the Spartans are the nation’s best one-loss team. Lucky for them there’s no more BCS, because after this game, their strength of schedule has got nowhere to go but down.
Bo Pelini seems to have found himself a reliable quarterback in sophomore Tommy Armstrong Jr., who has ten touchdowns and only three interceptions, while also rushing for 420 yards and two TDs. Even if you couldn’t see the stats, you’d know that Armstrong is playing very well, from the simple fact that he has yet to be subjected to one of Pelini’s famous, facemask-melting tirades on the sideline.
Last season, MSU notched its first-ever win against the N-men, having previously gone 0-7. Mark Dantonio’s defense forced the game’s only five turnovers, which the offense converted for 24 points in the 41-28 triumph. The only really close game the 5-0 Cornhuskers have played has been against Division I-AA McNeese State. They obviously looked past that game, perhaps expecting that their opponents would play like girls. That sort of abusive attitude can no longer be tolerated, so the school in Lake Charles must now be renamed McNephew State. And if that gag isn’t lame enough for you, maybe we can just call it Roundtine State instead.
Michigan State 35, Nebraska 34
LSU at Auburn
Louisiana State won the national championship with two losses in 2007, but don’t expect them to stay in the running this time if they drop to 4-2 with a loss to AU. Coach Fewer Miles is therefore wasting no more time in promoting freshman Brandon Harris as the new starting quarterback. Harris nearly rallied the Tigers back from a 24-point fourth-quarter deficit before falling to Mississippi State in Week 4, 34-29. Last Saturday, he threw for three scores and rushed for two others in three quarters of a 63-7 shellacking of New Mexico State.
Fewer’s last true road game was last season’s 38-17 loss to Alabama. In fact, the Bayou Bengals were only 1-3 on opponents’ home fields in 2013, losing also at Georgia and Ole Miss. On the flip side, Auburn hasn’t lost at Jordan-Hare Stadium since 2012, before the return of coach Gus Malzahn.
So why are Auburn’s home jerseys blue instead of auburn? Just another example of that Southern sarcasm. You know, kind of like, “Nice Subaru,” or, “Identified as any good genders lately?”
Auburn 20, LSU 16
Stanford at Notre Dame
We all remember the blown goal-line call that aided the Fighting Irish last time they hosted their rivals from Palo Alto in 2012. They got a lot of help from the striped leprechauns that year, but they haven’t needed any so far this season, as they’ve won all four games handily.
Irish quarterback Everett Golson completed 25 consecutive passes at one point during a 31-15 win over Syracuse, but he also fumbled three times and threw two interceptions.
The Cardinal don’t have their traditional power running back this year, but that might not be all bad. Their increased reliance on the arm of QB Kevin Hogan could be an asset against the Irish, who haven’t been challenged by an opposing passer yet this season.
The Czar thought they were making a mistake in South Bend by installing artificial turf in the first place, but they’ve compounded the error by putting that giant ND logo right at midfield. I mean, shouldn’t it have gone in the ND-zone?
Stanford 16, Notre Dame 14
Oklahoma at TCU
Both teams are undefeated, but the 3-0 Horned Frogs have been so untested that it barely seems like they’ve got their season underway. A week ago, they captured the Iron Skillett after they’d already had SMU for breakfast, 56-0.
The Sooners lost leading rusher Keith Ford to a cracked fibula two weeks ago, but they’ll not feel any pressure to rush his return, the way that freshman Samaje Perine romped in a 45-33 win over West Virginia. The 245-pounder hit paydirt four times, while piling up 242 yards.
The Frogs are only 6-12 in Big XII play since joining the conference, including two narrow defeats at the hands of OU. Last year, they did well to lose only 20-17, while being held to just 44 rushing yards on 27 carries.
Texas Christian is located in Fort Worth, which is like Fort Knox except that instead of gold, they keep Mary Worth strips there. Well, they’d heard that old comics were valuable. They just weren’t real discerning about which ones.
Oklahoma 31, TCU 14
Alabama at Ole Miss
Expectations for the Rebels are lower than they were a year ago, when this game was highlighted as the week’s marquee matchup, until Bama brought the curtain down on a 25-0 flop. The Rebs’ current #11 ranking is based on practically nothing, and will be a distant memory after they’ve lost at least three of their next five games. Their first three opponents (Boise St., Vanderbilt and ULL) are badly degraded since last year, unlike Bama, A&M, Tennessee, LSU and Auburn.
Crimson Tide receiver Amari Cooper has caught the ball for at least 130 yards in each of his first four games. Two weeks ago, he broke open a close contest against Florida with ten catches for 201 yards and three TDs, in leading Bama to a 42-21 win in its SEC opener.
Everyone likes to accuse Ole Miss of bigotry, but they’re the only team in the NCAA with bilingual helmets. You see, “Ole” is Spanish for “Miss.” That’s why bullfighters shout “Ole.” They’re commanding the bulls to miss them.
Okay, so that’s not really what it means, but the stupid bulls don’t know that.
Alabama 29, Ole Miss 12
Baylor at Texas
So far, the season has been a pick-a-nick for Art Briles’ Bears, but now they’re approaching the part of their schedule where the occasional boo-boo could prove a lot more costly.
First-year Longhorn coach Charlie Strong has been busily culling his herd, with the aim of producing only Grade A specimens. They don’t want to be government-inspected, though. Some of those USDA guys have got cold hands.
The Czar would rather have no trash-talking in college football, but as long as it exists, could we please at least improve on its quality? Horns’ WR John Harris tried to re-establish his team’s upperhand, despite BU’s recent success in the series, by declaring, “They’re still Baylor … We are who we are. We’re still Texas.” At least if he’d followed that up with, “but a peanut is not a nut,” he might have had some sort of a point, even if we didn’t understand what it was.
While we’re on the subject, college football is still college football, and the Czar is still the Czar. Oh, sure, but if Phil Jackson had said something like that, it would have been just zen-tastic!
Texas 21, Baylor 18
Ohio State at Maryland
The Big Ten newcomer Terrapins are already 2-0 in the conference, having convincingly beaten both Syracuse and Indiana on the road. In last week’s 37-15 win at IU, backup quarterback Caleb Rowe guided them to two TDs while completing 12 of 18, as he and oft-injured starter C.J. Brown combined for 361 passing yards. Coach Edsall says Brown’s status for this week will be a game time decision.
Buckeye coach Urban Meyer doesn’t deserve a Lardhead of the Year Award nomination, but what he said this week was pretty blitheringly stupid. Meyer has announced that injured quarterback Braxton Miller will be the starter in 2015, regardless of how well freshman J.T. Barrett plays this season. There was absolutely no reason to make such a determination until next offseason. In the meantime, he’s given his current starting QB less to play for.
Does anyone really think a football coach makes game time decisions, especially about something like which quarterback to start? He’s been watching the guys practice all week, but we’re to believe he waits until 11:59AM and consults the Magic 8-Ball. If any saps out there are buying that, there’ll probably be a new reality show next year called “Game Time Decisions.” They could hold a sideline council where all the coaches, trainers and random celebrities vote on who starts at which position. Then, they can talk about how they were feeling when they cast their votes. They’ll never get around to starting the football game, but the viewers won’t notice.
Ohio State 48, Maryland 34
Miami at Georgia Tech
Freshman Hurricane QB Brad Kaaya may not get straight A’s for last week’s performance against Duke, but his game is showing a lot more class than it did at the start of the semester. Last Saturday’s 22-10 victory over the Blue Devils was his first game without an interception, as he completed 20 of 34 for 223 yards.
The Ramblin Wreck remains unbeaten through four games, but barely. A week after benefitting from a blown call to beat Georgia Southern, they rallied from a 13-3 deficit to down Virginia Tech on a last second field goal, 27-24. Sophomore linebacker Paul Davis returned one of Tech’s three interceptions for a 41-yard, fourth-quarter touchdown to give his team its first lead of the day.
The Czar is thankful for Georgia Tech home games, because they’re the only time football is played in Atlanta with a view of the outside world. If they moved into the Georgia Dome like everyone else in town, fans around the country would think Atlanta was the home of Aquaman.
Miami 34, Georgia Tech 27
Arizona State at USC
Todd Graham’s Tempe-chur was visibly rising last Thursday night as he and the home crowd watched his Sun Devils stand still, while UCLA streaked past them, 62-27.
Mike Bercovici will get his second start at QB in place of an injured Taylor Kelly. The junior, little-utilized until last week, completed 42 of 68 passing attempts – both school records – in a vain attempt to keep ASU in the game. If only Coach Graham could get some of his other players to work as hard at trying to tackle somebody, his team might remain in the running for the Pac 12 South.
The Trojans trounced Oregon State 35-10 to tamp down whatever controversy may have been stirring over the performance of new coach Steve Sarkisian. RB Javorius Allen washed the bad taste of the BC game out of his mouth with an even 200 yards against the Beavers, after only gaining 31 yards on 15 carries in Beantown.
So those UCLA players had a great game, but why did they have to streak? Californians. Nuff said.
USC 45, Arizona State 28
Texas A&M at Mississippi State
After Kevin Sumlin’s team dropped an aTm-bomb on South Carolina in their opener, it looked like there might not be a drop-off from last season after all. Last week’s 35-28 overtime comeback win over Arkansas showed character, but not the firepower of an SEC contender. Being held to 14 points through three quarters by the probable last-place team in their division does not suggest a #6 ranking.
The Bulldogs couldn’t beat Johnny Manziel last year at College Station, but they did cause the Aggies some agony with 299 rushing yards. Quarterback Dak Prescott rushed for 154 yards, and threw for 149 more, in the 51-41 setback.
Ever wonder why MSU’s hometown is called Starkville? Because on game days, all the townsfolk bring their cowbells to Scoot Field, leaving their blushing bovines to stand around stark nekked.
Mississippi State 44, Texas A&M 31
Utah at UCLA
The Utes suffered their first loss of the season in their conference opener against Washington State, when they blew a 21-0 lead and lost, 28-27. Even worse was the fact that they barely mustered any offense against the suspect Cougar D, but instead got their first two scores from an interception and a punt return.
The Bruin team everyone expected to see this year finally showed up in last Thursday’s 62-27 blowout of Arizona State. If that’s the way they’re going to play from now on, that means they’ve ended their slump for the year, and emerged undefeated. If, on the other hand, last week’s rout was the result of ASU indifference, Jim Mora’s team could be unprepared for a serious challenge from a quality opponent.
If Utah is the Utes, does that make Ucla the Ukes? Of course not. “Ukes” is just a silly, made-up word that doesn’t really mean anything. You know, like “Bruins.”
Utah 19, UCLA 16
Texas Tech at Kansas State
Last year in Lubbock, the Red Raiders committed 10 penalties, and gave up the game’s only three turnovers, in a 49-26 defeat that bounced them out of the rankings. Davis Webb the Slinger looked like he needed a sling when he let the field during Tech’s Thursday night 45-35 loss to Oklahoma State. The injury was to his non-throwing shoulder, but it might be enough to keep him out for this week game at K-State.
Against UTEP, the Wildcats were 2-for-8 on third down conversions, which doesn’t sound good until you realize that they were so effective on first and second downs that third down only came up eight times all game. Unsurprisingly, they led the game 51-7 until the fourth quarter, when they eased up and coasted to a final of 58-28.
In that OSU game, the Raiders were wearing helmets that featured a likeness of the Hamburglar on horseback. Presumably, the horse will be able to tell whether or not the purloined patties are of his ilk.
Eeeeeww! The Czar doesn’t mind a little horsemeat now and then, but that ilk is some nasty stuff.
Kansas State 40, Texas Tech 33
Florida at Tennessee
The Volunteers put up a great scrap against Georgia, but they always do that, and it doesn’t always translate into a successful season. In 2012, they almost upset UGA between the hedges, and it was only the start of a four-game losing streak.
The last Vols’ victory in this series was back in 2004, when they won the SEC East, and then trounced Texas A&M in the Cotton Bowl. That was during the Phillip Fulmer era, four head coaches ago. The School of Hard Knox has learned some painful lessons during the years in between.
Quarterback Jeff Driskel is in his fourth season as a Gator, and he still doesn’t have a single 300-yard passing game. His 295 yards two weeks ago against Kentucky was a career-high, and it took him three overtimes to get there.
The Gators were so bad last season that their plight spawned “Gatorade.” No, not the sports drink, but a concert held to help the beleaguered program, featuring many of the biggest recording stars in the world. Instead of donating the money they raised to UF, however, they gave it all to some third-world Communist goon. Not a very constructive thing to do, but at least it made them feel good about themselves.
Tennessee 21, Florida 17
Nc State at Clemson
Wolfpack QB Jacoby Brissett, who transferred from Florida (see above) threw for 359 yards last week in a 56-41 loss to Florida State. For the season, he’s already got 1,364 yards and 13 TDs, with just one interception. Mind you, he has faced the weakest nonconference schedule in Division I-A, but the opposition faced by his former Gator team hasn’t been much better.
Beating North Carolina was elementary for Deshaun Watson. The Tiger freshman fired six touchdown passes while gaining 435 yards in a 50-35 thumping. Wide receiver Germone Hopper had only three catches, but scored on two of them, while dashing for 139 yards. Just think what he might have done had he decided to use both legs.
A controversy erupted after NCSU’s loss to FSU, when coach Dave Doeren reportedly accused the Seminoles of faking injuries. As it turned out, Doeren had actually charged that they were faking Injuns – and who could possibly dispute that?
Clemson 63, Nc State 45
Boise State at Nevada
In 2010, the great debate was whether the undefeated Broncos out of the Mountain West should get into the BCS championship ahead of a one-loss major conference team. It became a moot point after BSU lost an unforgettable 34-31 classic to the Wolf Pack in Reno in late November. Had there been an extended playoff format like in the lower divisions, that game would have meant virtually nothing.
Come to think of it, many late-season rivalries would become so devalued that teams that knew they had a playoff berth in the bag would start resting their key players. The traditional Rivalry Week would morph into a college version of NFL Week 17. Swell.
The Broncs’ 8-5 record last season was their worst since they went 6-5 way back in 1998, when they actually lost to the Idaho Vandals to end their season. At 3-2 with last week’s 28-14 beating by Air Force, all seven of their remaining games suddenly look losable.
The Pack has a wallop on defense this year, where it has held opponents under 20 points per game so far. That’s two touchdowns better than a year ago, and it includes games against Pac 12 foes Washington State and Arizona.
If it’s true that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, then it’s apparently also the case that what happens outside of Reno stays outside of Reno. Just look at the wolf that serves as their logo. It’s the year 2014, and he’s still wearing a mullet.
Nevada 30, Boise State 17
Go Tigers
Finally, the season really starts, and we have a Saturday with more than two or three good matchups.
My remote is on meltdown alert. I think I will have my tablet working overtime with my phone to stream games while I watch on the big screen.
Rutgers 24 Michigan 7
The Oregon Ducks play Arizona tonight.
Daniel, first off Maryland IS NOT 2-0 in the Big Ten as Syracuse is not in the conference. And it doesn’t matter how great a year A.J. has this year a healthy Braxton Miller is starting next year and we’ll have an outstanding back up who’ll start his junior and senior years. I don’t know why I read your article.
Fear Ameer!! I hope... GBR!!
I think UMD is going to take O State.
We’re in trouble now. He predicted us over LSU. The kiss of death.
WAR EAGLE!
I’m watching Oregon and Arizona. Why the former is even ranked is beyond me.
They need to play an SEC West team just to teach ‘m their proper place.
Number TWO? Sheesh.
czar missed a few of those.
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