|
Posted on 04/30/2011 10:02:07 PM PDT by JustAmy
|
TUBA JOKES
2)What’s the range of a tuba?
a)Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm.
3)Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
a)Friend: I hope so.
4)How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
a)Five: one to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp, and three to drink until the room spins.
5)What’s a “tuba for”?
a)1 1/2” by 3 1/2”, unless you request a “full cut”.
6)How do you fix a broken tuba?
a)With a “tuba glue”.
7)Two tuba players are walking past a bar... (Well, it could happen!)
8)A symphony was performing Beethoven’s 9th in a park one afternoon, but it was so windy that the musicians had to tie their music to the stands. When the tubas finished playing their part in movement 1, they decided, since they had 2 movements of rests, to sneak off to the pub across the street. So they sat in the pub, downed a few, and listened to the orchestra. When they heard the pickups to their part they threw money on the counter and stumbled into the street. They could barely keep from falling over as they ran to pick up their tubas, but even worse, they couldn’t untie the music. They were pulling and tugging but the string was so tight that they fell over from the effort. Just then, the conductor looked back and thought, “Oh lord, it’s the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!”
9)Why did the tuba player switch to the drums?
a)Because he couldn’t read the music.
10)A tuba player died and went to heaven. There he met St.Peter who gave him the finest selection of tubas ever. After he selected one St. Peter told him that rehearsal for the Angel Band was in five minutes. When he had finished warming up God stepped on the podium dressed in a late 1800’s Marine’s uniform. Being a Sousa fan, he was very upset over this. He promptly asked the person next to him, pointing at the podium, “Who does he think he is John Philip Sousa?” The man misunderstanding where the tuba player was pointing, said, “No, that is Stephen Colins Foster, Sousa is sitting in with the saxophones today.”
11)How do you raise the town’s IQ?
a)Shoot the tuba player.
12)How many tubas does it take to change a light bulb?
a)5, one to change the bulb, 4 to complain how high it is
13)What did the tuba player get on his test?
a)Drool.
14)How do you tune two tubas?
a)You shoot one!
15)An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn’t play. “ I have 84 bars rest,” says the tubist. To which the conductor replies, “But we are past those 84 bars already.” The tubist: “How should I know that?” The conductor replies, “You can count, can’t you?” The tubist: “Do you call that rest?”
A young child returned from his first music lesson on the tuba.
“How did it go?” asked his father.
“Great,” said the child. “I learned how to play a ‘C’.”
The next week the child took another lesson and his father asked about the lesson.
“Terrific,” said the child. “I learned how to play a ‘G’.”
The following week the child didn’t come home. The father was frantic with
worry when the child didn’t come home until 2:00 AM.
“Where in heck have you been ,” shouted the father.
“I had a gig!!” answered the son.
Two notes on a tuba. One is Bb. The other isn’t.
One week after moving into his first apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbors: “One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there’s the guy that keeps banging his head against the wall.”
“You better keep away from them,” she said.
“I am. I stay inside all day playing my tuba.”
Thaw strawberries. Add to a blender with bananas, rum and banana liqueur. Top with ice. Blend until smooth, and pour into hurricane glasses.
Top Ten Reasons to Play Tuba:
10. It’s better than playing bagpipes.
9. When you play, people listen.
8. During rehearsal you get to sit in the back of the room.
7. During marching practice you can use the bell to block out the sun.
6. People hold doors open for you.
5. You don’t have to wear those silly hats.
4. Many girls do prefer guys with large instruments.
3. You can say “Here comes Niagra...” right before emptying your tuning slide.
2. You’ll never be blamed for being the one with the squeaky reed.
1. BECAUSE I PLAY TUBA!!!!
____________________
Top Ten Uses For Tubas:
10. A musical instrument.
9. A floatation device.
8. Something flute players can’t keep their hands off.
7. A mirror.
6. Punishment. (freshmen carry heavy tubas all year)
5. A battering ram.
4. A chair.
3. Babe Magnet.
2. Trash Can.
1. Storage Container for music, field show charts, soda, food, tools, towels, and koosh balls!
Last One, I Promise!
What do you call a tuba player with a pager and a cell phone?
Optimistic.
____________________
What do you call it when a tuba falls out of a building and lands on a little kid?
A flat minor.
____________________
What do you call it when a tuba falls out of a building and lands on a military officer?
A flat major.
____________________
What do you call 2,000 tubas laying at the bottom of the ocean floor?
A good start!
____________________
What do you do if you run over a tuba player?
Back up.
____________________
What do you get when you cross a tuba player and a goal post?
A goal post that can’t march.
____________________
What do you never say about a tuba player?
“That’s the tuba player’s Porsche.”
____________________
What is Black and Brown and looks good on a tuba player?
A Doberman.
____________________
What is the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm.
____________________
What Is Tuba Backwards?
A But.
Prayers continue for you Gail.
Praying that it works.
Beautiful, Meg. Thank you.
Enjoy the Derby and have a lovely Mother’s Day.
Of COURSE you may use it! I just snagged it off the net - it doesn’t even belong to anyone. LOL!
(And, I don’t need credit, but thank you for the compliment!) ((((HUGS))))
Good afternoon, Geologist. Thank you.
I love the photos of animals; they are so precious. God provided us with wonderful companions.
Wishing you a lovely Friday and a blessed weekend.
Thank you for these lyrics, Geologist.
Happy Red Friday, Conor.
Thank you for bringing these beautiful patriots to Amy’s today.
Have a fantastic Friday.
Freedom isn’t Free.
Remember our wounded warriors in your prayers.
Thanks for the cute poem and wonderful graphic, Jack.
Wishing you a wonderful Friday.
LOL ....
Thanks for these Tuba jokes, LTOS. Great way to celebrate Tuba Day. Smiles are always good.
Have a Blessed weekend.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.
