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TUBA JOKES

2)What’s the range of a tuba?
a)Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm.

3)Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
a)Friend: I hope so.

4)How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
a)Five: one to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp, and three to drink until the room spins.

5)What’s a “tuba for”?
a)1 1/2” by 3 1/2”, unless you request a “full cut”.

6)How do you fix a broken tuba?
a)With a “tuba glue”.

7)Two tuba players are walking past a bar... (Well, it could happen!)

8)A symphony was performing Beethoven’s 9th in a park one afternoon, but it was so windy that the musicians had to tie their music to the stands. When the tubas finished playing their part in movement 1, they decided, since they had 2 movements of rests, to sneak off to the pub across the street. So they sat in the pub, downed a few, and listened to the orchestra. When they heard the pickups to their part they threw money on the counter and stumbled into the street. They could barely keep from falling over as they ran to pick up their tubas, but even worse, they couldn’t untie the music. They were pulling and tugging but the string was so tight that they fell over from the effort. Just then, the conductor looked back and thought, “Oh lord, it’s the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!”

9)Why did the tuba player switch to the drums?
a)Because he couldn’t read the music.

10)A tuba player died and went to heaven. There he met St.Peter who gave him the finest selection of tubas ever. After he selected one St. Peter told him that rehearsal for the Angel Band was in five minutes. When he had finished warming up God stepped on the podium dressed in a late 1800’s Marine’s uniform. Being a Sousa fan, he was very upset over this. He promptly asked the person next to him, pointing at the podium, “Who does he think he is John Philip Sousa?” The man misunderstanding where the tuba player was pointing, said, “No, that is Stephen Colins Foster, Sousa is sitting in with the saxophones today.”

11)How do you raise the town’s IQ?
a)Shoot the tuba player.

12)How many tubas does it take to change a light bulb?
a)5, one to change the bulb, 4 to complain how high it is

13)What did the tuba player get on his test?
a)Drool.

14)How do you tune two tubas?
a)You shoot one!

15)An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn’t play. “ I have 84 bars rest,” says the tubist. To which the conductor replies, “But we are past those 84 bars already.” The tubist: “How should I know that?” The conductor replies, “You can count, can’t you?” The tubist: “Do you call that rest?”