Posted on 12/21/2010 6:42:29 AM PST by SeekAndFind
It is said that the one question about men and women that even the great Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis, could not answer was: What do women want?
Whether or not Freud actually admitted his ignorance on this question is irrelevant. The very popularity of the anecdote testifies to one incontrovertible fact: A lot of men don’t know the answer.
It is probably fair to say that a lot of women also don’t know the answer. If they did, all they would have to do is tell men. That would solve the riddle — and make most men and women very happy.
So, to the extent that this is a great riddle, it is so because most members of both sexes seem not to know the answer.
Adding support to the widespread belief that what women want is close to unknowable is the underlying presumption that just about everybody knows what men want.
The number of Internet jokes that portray women’s wants as complex and men’s as simple is a testament to how widespread these assumptions about the two sexes are. Three examples illustrate this:
The first example is the one that begins: “HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.” Listed beneath that heading is this: “Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.”
That long list is followed by: “HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN.” And listed beneath is this: “Show up naked. Bring food.”
The second Internet example: “Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.”
And a third Internet example shows a box divided into two parts. Under the part labeled “Women” are 40 dials and knobs. Under the part labeled “Men” is one switch, marked “On-Off.”
As with most generalizations, there is much truth to these. Nevertheless, I take issue with both presumptions: that what women want is a riddle that would stump the Sphinx and that what men want is so easy it could be written on the back of a postage stamp.
In fact, I believe that both are relatively simple to answer (though neither is simple to achieve).
What does a man most want? Answer: He most wants to be admired by the woman he loves.
One proof is that the most devastating thing a woman can do to her man is to hold him in contempt. That is so devastating to a marriage that, over time, it is often more toxic than an affair. I am fairly certain that more marriages survive an affair, as difficult as that is, than contempt. Of course, this goes in both directions, but when a woman shows contempt toward her man, his very manhood is called into question.
My father and mother were married 69 years. As my brother and I have heard countless times, “She put me on a pedestal” was the quality my father most often cited in describing what a wonderful wife my mother was. She admired him, and to him that was everything. On the other hand, in describing her love for my father over all those years, my mother never once said, “He put me on a pedestal” (despite the fact that he constantly praised her). Rather, she always spoke of what a “great man” he was, how “brilliant,” etc. Of course, this is just one example, but I think it applies to the majority of men and women.
The obvious upshot of this thesis is that in order to gain a woman’s love a man must make — and keep — himself admirable.
Boys know this instinctively. Studies that have observed boys and young men reveal how much harder they work at anything — sports come immediately to mind — when they know girls are watching them.
That is why many single men in our society (often erroneously but understandably) place so much emphasis on what car they drive: They want to impress women. Yet, men couldn’t care less what car a woman drives. In fact, for most men a woman arriving on a first date in a relatively inexpensive car renders her more desirable than if she showed up in an expensive luxury car — unless the man is looking to be supported by a woman. But few women are attracted to a man they know in advance they will have to support.
So, although the Internet jokes are right about men wanting sex, it isn’t sex men most want from their woman. They want to be admired — and sex is one manifestation of a woman’s admiration for her man. When a man is regularly denied sex, in his eyes that means that his wife does not hold him in high esteem. Worse, he actually feels humiliated as a man. That, not the sex per se, is why regular denial devastates a man.
So, then, if what a man most wants is to be admired by his woman, what is it that a woman most wants?
That is the subject of the next column.
But here’s a hint. If we begin with the assumption that men and women are made to bond with one another, what she most wants must be in some way related to what he most wants.
As we shall see, it is.
— Dennis Prager is a nationally syndicated radio talk-show host and columnist
Men want to be appreciated, women want to be needed.
Men want to be appreciated, women want to be needed.
Yes, it gives the impression that somebody WANTS male/female relationships to do badly. It would give a bigger pool of women-fed-up-with-men for the lesbians to exploit.
My husband and I have been married 46 years with our share of ups and downs. Through it all, both of us at some point finally settled that divorcing and remarrying someone else was not an answer. - Oh, yeah, it’s true that a “new” romance would have been all new and exciting - FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS - then, with anyone, reality would set in and we both would have realized, too late, that we had simply traded one set of problems for another set of problems; and maybe even WORSE problems than what we had originally. Sort of like trading the devil for the witch or vice versa.
So, it’s best to just buck up, work through the problems with give and take, throw in a bit of fun in the meantime, lean on the Lord, and whatever it is, this, too, shall pass . . .
I first recognized this trend in an Alan Alda movie called The Four Seasons. In it three couples take regular vacations together. One of the couples splits up and the husband brings his new bride on the next trip.
She adores and admires him and isn’t afraid to show it. The other two wives are appalled that she is letting the side down by not putting him down. I found it quite amazing that the intentional crushing of a man’s spirit could be portrayed as so normal, even expected.
Very interesting article. Over the years I’ve come to respect Dennis Prager’s insight, wisdom and intelligence. He’s pretty high on my list of people I’d most like to meet for a two-hour conversation about any number of things.
Some women treat men with contempt in an attempt to get the men to do more for them, in order to “earn” women’s approval. A woman who gives lots of admiration undercuts that scheme, and gets resented. It’s worse if she’s younger and more beautiful than the contemptuous wives, as it causes the husbands to think “Why do I stay with my wife when there are women like this one out there?”
Apparently a new drill press. It's in the garage. I'm NOT wrapping it.
Which is a damn good question. With the emphasis more on the contempt and disdain than on the youth and beauty.
I wonder how many of the women who complain about being dumped for a young hotty treated their husbands this way when they had him. But of course his leaving could not possibly have anything to do with anything she did.
Which is not to say that many men aren't indeed pigs.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Her Side of the Story - Then HIS!
Her Side of the Story:
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night.
We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it I or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So, I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
Played badly today --- shot 87 - - - can't putt for shit!.
Felt kinda tired.
Got laid though.
Keep his belly full, his ego boosted, and his balls empty, and he will worship the ground you walk on.
Works for me...27 years and counting...
LOL! Nice!
Succinct and accurate observation.
“One proof is that the most devastating thing a woman can do to her man is to hold him in contempt. That is so devastating to a marriage that, over time, it is often more toxic than an affair. I am fairly certain that more marriages survive an affair, as difficult as that is, than contempt. Of course, this goes in both directions, but when a woman shows contempt toward her man, his very manhood is called into question. “
I don’t know if being held in contempt calls their manhood into question, but being held in contempt by your woman without question will end your marriage. Not feeling appreciated for all you do, will eventually lead you to stop bothering to do them.. which will cause even more contempt and even less being done.. until finally there is nothing left.
‘To crush your enemies,
see them driven before you,
and hear the lamentations of their women’
Great book. Taught me a great deal. It helped me to accept the things I cannot change...and to even embrace some of them.
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