Vanity - Dumbest things a boss has said to you

Me

[HamiltonJay]

I am looking to collect some dumb sayings for a project, so if can you please take a minute to send me the dumbest or silliest thing a superior or boss has said to you at work, (any job, not just here, and no don't name names).

Nothing that requires a backstory to it, just simple one or two sentence statements that you have been told over the years that in and of themselves have made you shake your head, stare at them in awe, spit your coke out your nose, or whatever.

Thanks

[American Quilter]

Me: Sir, I only have time to do six of these twelve tasks. Which ones are top-priority?

Boss: They’re all top priority.

[skimbell]

I had a principal in the alternative school that I work in tell a student during the intake process, that in order to return to the regular high school...

We only consider two things: grades, attendance and your daily conduct.

[SJSAMPLE]

To a co-worker of mine:
“Only an animal makes the same mistake twice.”

[sniper63]

When I was CNC programmer,”Do that thing you do, punch them buttons”

[Lakeshark]

“This will be easy.”

[Ender Wiggin]

“Time for you to focus your energies across the board, everywhere.”

[Carley]

I called a very big client to inform them that the new equipment they were expecting was not going to be shipped out in time and they should not take their current equipment off line.

My boss was out of town and this was his account. When I notified the office manager of my call he was outraged that I had made the call. A ‘girl’ should not have made that call.

It was a long time ago but I will never forget that as long as I live.

[InvisibleChurch]

You’re hired.

[Ten Beers Gone]

One boss I had was the king of malapropisms - kinda like Norm Crosby without a brain.

"I condone it, and I will not tolerate it!"

He said that I had "a long and extinguished career".

"We're going to get this done no ifs, buts or ors."

There are dozens of things he said but they escape me right now. I'll post them as I remember them.

[Rapscallion]

I am a man. The dumbest thing a boss ever said to me was:

"I could have got you promoted today if you were only a black woman."

[Noahs Rook]

While on stationary guard duty, my boss told me to hurry up. To which I replied “I’m guarding as fast as I can”.

[Pharmboy]

None of my bosses ever said anything funny or clever (at least not that I remmember). So I need to import one...

Oscar: Both my parents were born in Mexico, and they moved to the United States a year before I was born, so I grew up in the United States... my parents were Mexican.

Michael Scott: Wow, that is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right? Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive?

[Jewbacca]

The boss that told the guy to do this.

[RinaseaofDs]

“My door is always open ... just don’t come in”

Actually, this sounds like outstanding expectation setting to me.

“You are on your own.”

[Eric in the Ozarks]

My home office was in Tulsa.
My photo ID was “confiscated for my own safety.”

[codercpc]

During an interview (for a job I did get) one of the Doctors that was a partner in the practice actually asked me if I planned to get pregnant again in the future!!!!

I will give him credit though, after I got to know him, I really believe he was only interested in it on a personal, get to know you, type basis.

[ErnBatavia]

“Doing it that way is like masturbation...it accomplishes nothing”

[Fresh Wind]

“Do you get seasick?”

[papertyger]

Bap beeba dusta on one.
(wrap needs adjusting on one)

[theDentist]

At the time there were 15 in the support crew...
"I want from each of you a list of 10 tasks which are just a waste of time and prevents you from paying attention to real customer issues."