Posted on 02/13/2009 4:49:16 AM PST by Lucky9teen
11:01 calls Limbaugh show again
11:02 calls Limbaugh show again
11:03 calls Limbaugh show again
11:04 calls Limbaugh show again
11:05 realizes Limbaugh's show doesn't start for an hour
Oh Dear! Imagine that!
^^ Wow, i now have a stalker!
LMAO at the cow pic!
Here one:
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them
a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350.00!
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard
rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
‘But we didn't use them,’ the man complains.
‘Well, they are here, and you could have,’
Explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have
taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. ‘The best
entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform
here,’ the Manager says.
‘But we didn't go to any of those shows,
‘complains the man again.
‘Well, we have them, and you could have,’ the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,
‘But we didn't use it!’
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
‘But sir,’ he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.’
‘That's correct,’ says the man. ‘I charged you $300.00 for
sleeping with my wife.’
‘But I didn't!’ exclaims the Manager.
‘Well, too bad,’ the man replies. ‘She was here and you could
have.’
Here's two, although came as a joke I'm really quite serious with this one:
BEST IDEA I HAVE HEARD IN LONG, LONG TIME !!!
Members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
Not at all.
I was startled to run into such a post.
Besides, there are more interesting things to do.
Doctor: Well, Mr. Greboflatz, there is good news and bad news.
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have previously unknown condition. It is rapidly progressing and progressively debilitating. You'll be gone in just a few weeks. I'm afraid there's nothing we can do — we've never seen this disease before. Nobody has ever seen this before.
Patient: Wh-what’s the good news?
Doctor: We're naming it after you!
| Your Candy Heart Says "First Kiss" |
 You see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you Your flirting style: friendly and sweet What turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance Why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive |
This is Last Chance Friday according to Rush. Ok, it has nothing to do with love but the porkulus bill.
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary admitted to this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I were going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it dipstick,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .WHAT THE H+LL!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
IT HURT LIKE H+LL!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my n+ts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S. My wife, who can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.
If you were about to die and could only have one piece of candy, what would you choose?
A LifeSaver silly....
| Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real" |
 You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get |
Nice goose!
My Grandmother had a condition last year where she was loosing red blood cells and they couldn’t figure out why. Every two weeks she would have to get a transfusion. The doctors were scratching their heads and all I told her was the last thing you want is a disease named after you.
100!
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