For some of us, the new school season is starting and sending our kids back to school is the best time of year.
Posted on 07/27/2007 5:56:08 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year.... For some of us, the new school season is starting and sending our kids back to school is the best time of year.
Hey kids!
It's school time again!
You're probably feeling excited to get back to the rigid structure, discipline, and math problems that you missed out on while you were trapped outside in the sun all summer.
If you're going back to the same school you are very lucky! Because everyone will remember you and your reputation as the school ______. Fill in the blank with any 1 of the following:
slut
poor kid
idiot
punching bag
If you're going to a new school, then you may be nervous because the new kids may not know to call you by your nickname: pimple-t!ts.
Now you're going to have to prove yourself all over again. You have to make all new friends. But don't worry! You did it before and you can do it again! And the good thing is, after a summer of practicing, you're still great at giving head!
See you in "Stairway B!"
If you're not the school slut, you still have a chance to make real friends. You can buy your friends, or give them the answers to the test, or be really good at football.
If you don't make any friends that's okay, too. Because Mr. Rosen would love to have you clean his erasers during your lunch period. Teachers are really easy to be friends with because think about it... the reason they teach is because they want revenge on all the kids who were mean to them in school. Now they can be mean to those kids that remind them of their past and get paid for it!
Making friends doesn't matter. Let's be honest. In 15 years you won't ever see these people again. Do you really think you'll end up living next to Smelly Josh or Tattle-tale Tina? No. Unless you're incarcerated you'll probably never see these freaks ever again!
DID YOU KNOW? To eat healthier, you'd be better off skipping that school lunch and instead eating the Styrofoam tray it's served on!
Most teachers kick off the school year by introducing themselves and talking about all of the exciting things you'll be learning this year. For teachers, this is called "slacking off". Expect many slacking off days this year such as the day before any major holiday, the day after the teacher's birthday, and the last 17 days of school.
Some teachers will give you the wonderful opportunity to stand up in front of the entire class to introduce yourself! This would be a great time to practice a visualization technique to quickly soften your boner. This will also be useful when you want to extend your first meeting with the school slut.
When introducing yourself, be sure to rattle off a comprehensive list of all your academic accomplishments. Be brief when describing your summer vacation. If you won a Silver Medal for Gymnastics at the Olympics, don't mention it. Bragging is pathetic when you came in 2nd.
Teachers will often go over the classroom rules. Remember these are just SOME of the rules. For example, here are some other classroom rules that teachers usually don't mention:
No playing with yourself under the desk. (This is a variation of the rule: If you didn't bring 1 for everybody, you can't play with it.)
No stabbing below the belt.
Take turns... with the school slut.
You might already know a lot of people in your classes on the first day. But it's a great day to make a new friend... especially a kid who is new to the school. You never know, he might have access to good pot!
The most important thing about your first day of school is what you are wearing. Everyone will be wearing their coolest new clothes.
On the 1st day, it's also important to smell your best. The rest of the year you can be your normal un-bathed self. So this means:
White boys --> use shampoo to de-grease your hair
Black boys --> trim your wolverine fingernails
Latino boys --> easy on the cologne today
Tips for a fantastic first day of school:
Get enough sleep. A great way to get peaceful sleep is to sit in the back row of your social studies class.
Try your best. Because in the "real world" people who try really hard are always rewarded over those who simply have influential friends or family members.
Develop good work habits. Never wait until the last minute to copy Gary's homework.
If you don't understand something, ask the teacher. That way the entire class will ALSO learn how much of an idiot you are.
"If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time,
the insane asylums would be filled with mothers."
~Edgar W. Howe
Happy Friday to you!!
Happy Friday!!!
School is still a month off. Why the hell are you jumping the gun?
Official Friday Silliness Thread
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It starts next week for kids where I’m at...and in 2 weeks for my step-son in IN....
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate!!” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry about the misunderstanding,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom - I’ll show you how.”
Top ten!!!!
An amazing elephant story...
I don’t usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large
piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’ s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
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The following rules shall apply during regular school hours: 1. Shoes must be worn at all times. 2. Clothing, jewelry and tattoos shall be free of writing, pictures, or any other insignia which are crude, vulgar, profane or sexually suggestive or which advocates racial or ethnic prejudice or the use of drugs or alcohol. 3. Messages which represent any group, or philosophy which advocates violence or disrupts the objectives of school instruction programs are prohibited. 4. Clothing and accessories that depict gang behavior or glorify gang activity are prohibited. 5. Clothing must not be inappropriately revealing. Some examples of inappropriate clothing include halter-tops, off the shoulder or low-cut tops, bare midriffs, short shorts or extremely short skirts. Clothing shall be sufficient to conceal undergarments at all times. 6. Pants must be able to stay up at the waist without the use of a belt or suspenders. 7. Electronic devices, which include: pagers, cassette players, cellular phones, compact disc players and walkie-talkies are prohibited on school grounds. Confiscated items will be returned at parent/guardian expense. 8. Hats are not to be worn inside buildings and classrooms. 9. Wallet chains and accessories with points or spikes are prohibited. |
Glad this week is wrapping up!
Three surgeons were bragging in a posh bar.
First Surgeon:
“A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
The second surgeon said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
“The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman’s blonde hair and the horse’s ass. I was able to put them together and now she’s running for President.
Proudly, his dad let's his son "struggle" a little bit, learning a valuable lesson of life. However, after a few months of not hearing from the boy, the dad calls to check up on junior.
"Son?", asks the dad, "Is there anything you need?"
Struggling a bit with college science lab costs the boy replies, "Well, I could use $5 for a guinea pig."
The dad replies, "Son! Why don't you get yourself a nice Jewish girl instead!!!"
Obligatory graphic.
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