Posted on 08/04/2006 1:08:59 AM PDT by sully777
Adrian Wapcaplet (W): Aah, come in, come in, Mr....Simpson. Aaah, welcome to Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta and Prang!
Mr. Simpson (S): Thank you.
Mr. Wapcaplet: Do sit down--my name's Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet...
Simpson: how'd'y'do.
Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson... Simpson, Simpson... French, is it?
S: No.
W: Aah. Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder.
S: String.
W: String, washing powder, what's the difference. We can sell *anything*.
S: Good. Well I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty-two thousand *miles* of it to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I advertised it...
W: Of course! A national campaign. Useful stuff, string, no trouble there.
S: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the hundred and twenty-two thousand miles is in three inch lengths. So it's not very useful.
W: Well, that's our selling point! "SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!"
S: What?
W: "THE NOW STRING! READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE, SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES - JUST THE RIGHT LENGTH!"
S: For what?
W: "A MILLION HOUSEHOLD USES!"
S: Such as?
W: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels, attatching notes to pigeons' legs, uh, destroying household pests...
S: Destroying household pests?! How?
W: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if they're smaller than, you flog them to death with it!
S: Well *surely*!....
W: "DESTROY NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF KNOWN HOUSEHOLD PESTS WITH PRE-SLICED, RUSTPROOF, EASY-TO-HANDLE, LOW CALORIE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES, FREE FROM ARTIFICIAL COLORING, AS USED IN HOSPITALS!" (Click Source-link for conclusion )
I'll go with Mel. Them Navy cooks are mean with a skillet.
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "Hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me?"
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "Hillary Clinton will be the next President".
"Thank God!" said Snow White, "at least Dopey's still alive!"
GORT !
Prepare for Ludicrous Speed!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HB7tc9pVvYg&mode=related&search=
Elmo's got a gun
Elmo's got a gun
Big bird's on the run
Ernie's dialin' 911
What made elmo snap,
Was he tired of big birds crap?
They said when Elmo was arrested
They found Oscar headless in the trash
I hear that Gordon's really runnin
Now that elmos got a gun,
The streets never gonna be the same.
Elmo's got a gun
Elmo's got a gun
Grover's head has come undone
Sesame street's not real fun -
*GUNSHOT*
You want me to walk around sesame street without a bulletproof vest?!?
Forget about it!
I bought a new Lincoln Town Car about two weeks ago. I had to return to the dealer the week after I bought it because I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. He said, "Watch this!"
The salesman said, "Nelson!"
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie," he continued and "On the Road Again" came from the
speakers. I drove away happy. For the next few days, every time I'd say "Beethoven" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said "Beatles" I'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car. I swerved in time to avoid them, and I yelled, "A**HOLES!"
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by Rev Jesse Jackson on guitar, Al Sharpton on drums and Howard Stern on kazoo.
Damn! I love this car.
In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals.
The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered. Now the farmer took the incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.
Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed.
The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.
"It wasn't me! It was't me!" yelled the goat.
The farmer shook his head and said, "The hare's looking at you, kid."
________________________________________________________
In the days of primitive tribes and grass huts, there was one tribe which was very warlike. They won many battles, and took control of many other tribes.
One of their customs when they beat another tribe was to take the most prized posession of the enemy's chief.
One time, after a particularly fierce battle they defeated a rich tribe, whose king had a prized solid gold throne.
Our warlike tribe took the throne, and put it in the loft in their cheif's house. Unfortunately, the throne was much too heavy to be kept in a loft in a grass house, and it fell right through the ceiling, onto the cheif, killing him instantly.
The Moral of this story is...... People who live in Grass Houses shouldn't stow thrones!
_________________________________________________________
All the monks in a certain monastery sing the simple word "Morning!" from their windows each sunrise.
Early one day after several "Morning!" greetings have been sung melodiously into the dawn air, a single greeting of "Evening!" rings out of one window.
In the courtyard below, Brother Timothy looks around startled, and says "Did you hear that, Brother Edward?"
"Hear what, Brother Timothy?" replied Brother Edward.
Brother Timothy sang in reply: "Someone chanted evening..."
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.