Ah, marriage...I could write a book.
(Couldn't we all!)
What about making sure one keeps the toilet seat down?
1. Don't be passive or count on anyone else, including God.
In my college and early career years, I spent a great deal of time in evangelical churches. I'd hear about four or five teachings a year on dating and marriage, and those teachings were horribly spun towards passivity.
For instance, at least nine of ten of those teachings mentioned the verses in Corinthians where Paul said that he thought it was better not marry but that everyone had his own gifts and not everyone was strong enough to accept being single. This passage doesn't exactly encourage men to "step up to the plate" and approach a young lady.
About eight of ten of those teachings would quote the verse in Matthew that says "seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all of these things will be added unto you." This verse was always presented as if to say, "If you can read the Bible and pray at least an hour or so a day, attend a couple of services every week, and still keep up with your engineering homework, then a relationship is okay. Otherwise, you should just forget it." It's funny how when they gave teachings about our school work, they'd hit us with all of the verses about being diligent. When they talked about pursuing the most important human relationship we'd have or at least pursuing the skills that would lead to that relationship, they never told us to be diligent in that pursuit.
About half the time, either the person giving the talk or one of the students in the audience would recite the verse about how in the end times people will say, "Blessed is the womb that never bore and the breasts that never gave milk." The person would always say that this was an end-time prophesy and that we were in the end times. If a student stood up to recite this verse, his or her voice was always thick with anger and righteous indignation as if we were all guilty of some sin because we were interested in what someone had to say about dating and forming relationships.
At the other extreme, there's a verse in Proverbs that says that he who seeks a wife seeks a good thing. That verse would be mentioned in maybe two out of every ten of these talks. The Song of Solomon speaks of romantic and physical love in very enthusiastic way, but if this book were mentioned at all, the teaching was usually that the book was an allegory for Christ's love for the church and should not be taken to mean that a healthy interest in pursuing relationships was actually healthy for one's mental, emotional, or spiritual life.
Ultimately, I'm responsible for my own life, and the mistake of being passive about the pursuit of relationships during those years was a mistake that I made. I hung back, worked on my education and career, prayed a great deal, read the Bible a great deal, and "waited on God" to help me find someone. Eventually, I realized that nothing would happen if I didn't make it happen. I made the mistake of being passive, and I'm paying for that mistake with painful loneliness. I'll own my part, but the skewed teaching that I received played a big part in my making the decisions that I made. Those who gave me that teaching should own their part.
Another factor in some guys being too passive is the whole "diversity/feminism" issue. Our society says that things should be different today and that men need to treat women more as equals. Too much pursuit is discouraged as being chauvinistic. We live in scary times, and men do need to be careful not to press attentions to the point of scaring a woman. However, most men need to be very active in pursuit of relationships in order to be successful.
2. Don't spend too much time in circumstances that don't play to your strengths.
I had a roommate who was very popular with young ladies. I remember we once invited him to shoot some basketball, and he came along. As we were shooting and talking, he mentioned that he doesn't play or shoot very often. He said that he's just not that good at it and just doesn't enjoy it. I realized that in all of the activities we did, he stuck to things where he was good, where his participation could make him look good in the eyes of others. He was a guy of tremendous musical talent. He was smart. He was reasonably athletic. There was much that he could do that would allow him to look good, but he concentrated on those things to maintain that image. That image made him very popular with the young ladies in the fellowship.
Many of the common social circumstances in which I found myself during those years didn't play to my strengths. I was often in settings that just didn't make me look good. Rather than figure out a way to create circumstances where I could appear my best in the young ladies' eyes, I kept telling myself that I just had to get better in those other areas. As a result, few women ever saw me at my best, and few of us are good enough to win someone when we can't appear at our best. I didn't come across as a bad guy. I just didn't come across as someone for whom a young lady could develop feelings.
In my case, I needed one-on-one conversations. I needed to be able to talk to young ladies in circumstances that were private enough that we wouldn't be interrupted by other people but public enough that she wouldn't be concerned whether I was up to something beyond good conversation. I remember visiting a woman whom I knew from a church fellowship and having a long, one-on-one conversation. Our age difference was enough that we wouldn't have been romantically involved anyway, but we were both single. We had a great conversation. She remarked that just knowing me from the conversations we had during and around fellowship meetings didn't leave her with the impression that I'd be a fun guy to talk to for three hours. To her surprise, we just kept talking because talking was fun.
I'm not saying that people shouldn't work to improve in areas where they are weak. I'm not endorsing my roommate's practice of rarely doing those things that wouldn't make him look good. While he had to work hard to find circumstances where he wouldn't look good, maybe he would be stronger overall if he sought those circumstances more often.
I am saying that the failure to put oneself in the best light is going to increase the chances of ending up a lonely, middle-aged man.
3. Don't be too afraid of social stigmas, even if your parents or church believe them.
Through my mid-20's, I'd occasionally see these singles newsprint magazines full of personal ads. I occasionally wanted to answer the ads, but I was hesitated because of the social stigma of meeting someone through a personals ad. The general attitude was that only "losers" used those ads and that I shouldn't stoop to that level. Fifteen years later, I realize that I qualify as a loser in the world of relationships. I don't believe that I would certainly have met the right woman in one of those ads. I probably wouldn't have met the right woman, but I would have gotten some good practice in relationship skills. Plenty of people had plenty of reasons why I shouldn't have sought that experience in that venue, but they aren't the ones having to walk in my shoes.
4. Don't be too much of a gentleman.
One of my policies has always been to try to avoid approaching a woman while she's at work. We all have to make a living, and making a living can be tough enough without having either to accept someone's expression of interest in a positive way or reject that expression in a gracious way all while doing right for an employer. Not adding this challenge to any woman's life seems to be a gentlemanly policy to adopt. I've occasionally come close to expressing an interest. I've even stumbled through a few words, but I've always backed away before giving her a chance to respond either way.
I don't think my practice is bad, but it closes many opportunities for me to initiate a relationship. I'm sure that there are plenty of other examples, but the central truth is the same. Sometimes, a guy has to be willing to put himself and a woman in a somewhat awkward position in order to initiate the contact that could lead to a relationship.
5. Don't "put all of your eggs in one basket."
I firmly believed that the right woman would come to me through the church or some activity associated with my practice of the Christian faith. I never made a real "Plan B" and didn't have that plan to implement when I realized that "Plan A" would never yield any results.
Hey, whats wrong with poerty? I like it a lot. In fact, as I always say, a song is a poem that likes to dance!
Hey Victoria, why dont you share a poem with us? :-)
You've got it exactly right. A couple of summers ago, I stopped by the office of an elderly professor to chat. His secretary informed me he was gone for the next three weeks on his honeymoon. I had always assumed he was already married. He was in his eighties and I couldn't imagine him not surrounded by grandkids.
Granted, not everyone lives to see their eightieth birthday, but if you're going to commit to someone, you have to pick someone whose flaws you can live with for the rest of your life. I'm much happier being single and not seeing anyone than I was when I was with people who weren't right for me. I don't feel like I have to be dating just because I'm in my 20s.