The Official Weekend Singles Thread

Presented to you by OhioWfan, Kate of Spice Island, and Maximus Ridiculousness.

Kate and Phil's Story of Love and Marriage

Phil and I first met back in the teen years when I started working at a local drive-in movie theatre where he was employed. There was a "no dating coworkers" policy and we were both into following (some) rules and didn't want to get fired, so we were just friends instead.

Apparently, we were both interested in each other, but too shy/insecure/whatever...to say anything, but we became friends.

I remember going to his house and he to mine when we were still in high school, but he was older and went off to college. During a few of his weekend visits, we went on a few dates, but then I didn't see him again for a good four or five years.

By then I was married AND pregnant, but ran into Phil at work, so it was strange (for both of us apparently) in the wishful thinking at that time. From time to time, I would go by his work and say hi when we were in town. By the time my marriage was definitely over (but I still had hopes of it not being over) Phil had gotten married and although his marriage was heading for over...neither of us was willing to admit that we were

separated from our spouses and divorces were filed.

We each went about our lives and once he changed jobs, I had no clue where he was. (Prior to that, where I would visit was a place where I would also visit my bestest high school friend's father as he worked in another department.)

Meanwhile, he had been looking for and looking up former classmates and one in particular that I also happened to know. This mutual friend had lived away from where we are now and I had all but given up talking to him ever again, when on a whim I looked him up in the phone book (kind of a one last time deal, as I couldn't remember Phil's last name, I didn't look him up and even if I remembered, I probably could have never spelled it...)

So, lo and behold, our mutual friend was listed and had been for a few years and I gave him a call. Meanwhile, between classmates.com and a high school reunion, Phil and our mutual friend had been talking and e-mailing, and Phil asked him if he knew how to get in contact with me, and the friend gave Phil my e-mail address.

So, our real official long-term dating was cyber dating as Phil had moved to TX and I was in Phoenix. We went from the occasional e-mail to IM and phone calls and that evolved to a long distance romance.

I went to Texas and lived with Phil for a year, but knew my heart was with my children and family. Phil was adamant about staying in TX.

Every time Phil asked me to marry him, I asked if he would consider moving to Phoenix. He kept saying no, so I returned to Phoenix.

When I ran away to safety and Phil's care I knew he loved me and would take care of me. When he let me go and let me move back to Phoenix to be with my children, I knew he loved me enough to let me go and be where I belonged.

When he asked me if I would marry him if he moved to Phoenix, he got the answer I wanted to give him all along.

We have been married just over four months and are still working on getting into a life and a routine in Phoenix and still feel like we are trying to get settled in, but we have come a long way together and are looking forward to many years of happiness and joy with my children and grandchild(ren).

For how long we have been friends, and the things we liked about each other, are still there.

Getting used to habits has been hard (I am secretive in general and I also kept a few government secrets for a long time that I don't keep secret any more), but by nature I just have never been a "talker", so that is changing.

He likes reality TV, my reality is like the TV show, "Medium." We both like "24" and wouldn't want it any other way.

We both enjoy sports and look forward to the Cowboys VS Cardinals game later this fall.

We managed to attend the same three schools of higher education, just never were both at any one at the same time.

I think the biggest piece of advice we can offer the single crowd is don't put yourself above dating anyone with "baggage" as you have clearly got "emotional baggage" in the form of selfishness. I know that God didn't make selfishness, but He did make caring and compassion. A heart of gold is worth far more than a free lunch...

When a heart of gold is the heart within, you will find someone for you with that exact same quality.

Did I mention that Phil also is conservative and was busy advocating for Bush before we started to discuss politics? I just loved sending him links to caption Kerry two summers ago.

Barb's Two Cents on Being a Newlywed and Some Advice on Cyberdating

Ahhhh...the bliss of being newly married! What joy! The birds are singing. The bees are buzzing. The flowers are blooming...

Okay, for me our honeymoon was a little different from most. Actually, our wedding was a little different from most. You see, hubby and I eloped (with 40 of our closest friends and relatives) in Reno in 2003—four weeks before he was to deploy to Iraq. We were already engaged, and had planned on a summer wedding, but one cold winter day, hubby got "the call", and three days later we found ourselves in Reno tying the knot.

Our honeymoon consisted of phone calls, emails, letters between here and Iraq—and lots of insomnia. At first it was strange being married to a man who was suddenly 6500 miles away, and it was even stranger that I could talk to him only when he was able to call me (every two to three weeks or so).

And so it went.

Our "real" honeymoon came 18 months later. We spent a week in Vegas (yeah, I know some folks find it a tacky place for a honeymoon, but hubby's never been, and I love the Luxor). We gambled, saw some of the shows, gambled, ate at the various restaurants, gambled, walked the Fremont Street Experience, gambled, got SMASHED in Quark's Bar and harassed a poor Borg and Klingon at the Hilton where they have the Star Trek Experience (we almost got kicked out—but we snapped some hilarious photos), and we gambled some more.

All fun and games aside, our marriage (going on year four now) is a very solid one. Hubby has a heart of gold, and I could not ask for a better man. I would have to say that absence made our marriage grow stronger. We still feel like newlyweds. We are like “kids” with each other. We are the two most happy-go-luckiest-people I know, on the planet.

Some advice on cyberdating.

Back in the day, I was the Queen of Cyberdating. I started meeting men online as far back as 1996. Match.com was the ONLY online dating site (with something like, 200 local members). It took a lot of chatting, meeting bozo after bozo, and dating horrible men who were nothing like their profiles before I realized I was doing everything wrong from the very beginning. By the time I met my hubby in a Yahoo chatroom by total accident (most of you know this story) 5 years later, I had finally learned some very big lessons.

That said, here are some of my do’s and don’ts when it comes to cyberdating:

Be honest about yourself in your profile, and post an accurate, recent picture of yourself. By all means, SMILE. If you don’t, you’ll look angry and unapproachable. Trust me. You’ll want a pic (or several pics) of yourself doing some favorite activity, and at least one nice head-and-shoulder shot.
Be concise and to the point when writing your profile. Be eloquent, and don’t ramble incessantly. Poetry is big turn-off for a lot of people. Unless you are a master, avoid poetry at all costs. You’ll put people to sleep. List your preferences accurately and pick people to chat with who are close to what you’re looking for. Don’t fall for an ultra-liberal America-hating chick…just because she’s really hot.
Try and meet someone who lives within driving distance. Unless you have the time and money to travel, stick to meeting your potential future spouse within a reasonable distance from you. Don’t fall in love with someone you can’t afford to fly out to meet.
Don’t fall in love with the very first nice looking person (whom you know nothing about) who gives you the time of day. Stick to your guns. If you’re looking for your future spouse, keep in mind all of the qualities you are looking for in that person. Don’t ever lose focus.
Sell yourself. Tell your potential future spouse what a great person you are. Don’t be negative or down about yourself. Don’t appear pathetic. Be yourself and put your best foot forward. If you don’t appear to be a reasonably healthy, happy, positive person you’ll scare people away. Trust me.

GIRLS: Meet your potential future spouse in a very public place. For your very first date, only meet for coffee or drinks where you can chat for as long or as short as you are comfortable with. It’s easier to split the scene quickly if you are just sipping something, and not in the middle of dinner or stuck with a loser date in the middle of a 3-hour flick. NEVER leave your drink unattended. Before you use the restroom, finish your drink, or order a new drink once you’re back to your table. By all means, drive yourself to your destination, DO NOT EVER let your date pick you up on your first date. Tell a friend, family member, someone—anyone—where you will be and when you should be home. Take your cell phone with you. Park in a visible area.

This is probably the toughest part about meeting your future spouse—know exactly what you are looking for and settle for nothing less. Do not fall in love with someone's potential, but for who they really are. This was the one mistake I made over and over. Don't ever meet someone and try and fix them later. Also, be realistic. Unless you’re a super hot daddy, don’t go looking for a super hot mama.

It took me years and years of dating the same type of loser with a different name, and one failed marriage to a closet alcoholic, before I finally ‘grew-up’ and decided I would not settle for anything less anymore. Period. I literally sat down and made a list of all the attributes I had to have in a man. In fact, what had happened was I learned the very long and hard way about everything I did not want in a guy through my own personal trial-and-error. (Mostly error.) It was only after this personal epiphany that I met my true-love. And it didn't take long.

I'm a 42-year-old bachelor, and I realize that I'm not likely to find a wife. I can't necessarily give advice about what to do, but I can give plenty of advice about what guys shouldn't do.

1. Don't be passive or count on anyone else, including God.

In my college and early career years, I spent a great deal of time in evangelical churches. I'd hear about four or five teachings a year on dating and marriage, and those teachings were horribly spun towards passivity.

For instance, at least nine of ten of those teachings mentioned the verses in Corinthians where Paul said that he thought it was better not marry but that everyone had his own gifts and not everyone was strong enough to accept being single. This passage doesn't exactly encourage men to "step up to the plate" and approach a young lady.

About eight of ten of those teachings would quote the verse in Matthew that says "seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all of these things will be added unto you." This verse was always presented as if to say, "If you can read the Bible and pray at least an hour or so a day, attend a couple of services every week, and still keep up with your engineering homework, then a relationship is okay. Otherwise, you should just forget it." It's funny how when they gave teachings about our school work, they'd hit us with all of the verses about being diligent. When they talked about pursuing the most important human relationship we'd have or at least pursuing the skills that would lead to that relationship, they never told us to be diligent in that pursuit.

About half the time, either the person giving the talk or one of the students in the audience would recite the verse about how in the end times people will say, "Blessed is the womb that never bore and the breasts that never gave milk." The person would always say that this was an end-time prophesy and that we were in the end times. If a student stood up to recite this verse, his or her voice was always thick with anger and righteous indignation as if we were all guilty of some sin because we were interested in what someone had to say about dating and forming relationships.

At the other extreme, there's a verse in Proverbs that says that he who seeks a wife seeks a good thing. That verse would be mentioned in maybe two out of every ten of these talks. The Song of Solomon speaks of romantic and physical love in very enthusiastic way, but if this book were mentioned at all, the teaching was usually that the book was an allegory for Christ's love for the church and should not be taken to mean that a healthy interest in pursuing relationships was actually healthy for one's mental, emotional, or spiritual life.

Ultimately, I'm responsible for my own life, and the mistake of being passive about the pursuit of relationships during those years was a mistake that I made. I hung back, worked on my education and career, prayed a great deal, read the Bible a great deal, and "waited on God" to help me find someone. Eventually, I realized that nothing would happen if I didn't make it happen. I made the mistake of being passive, and I'm paying for that mistake with painful loneliness. I'll own my part, but the skewed teaching that I received played a big part in my making the decisions that I made. Those who gave me that teaching should own their part.

Another factor in some guys being too passive is the whole "diversity/feminism" issue. Our society says that things should be different today and that men need to treat women more as equals. Too much pursuit is discouraged as being chauvinistic. We live in scary times, and men do need to be careful not to press attentions to the point of scaring a woman. However, most men need to be very active in pursuit of relationships in order to be successful.

2. Don't spend too much time in circumstances that don't play to your strengths.

I had a roommate who was very popular with young ladies. I remember we once invited him to shoot some basketball, and he came along. As we were shooting and talking, he mentioned that he doesn't play or shoot very often. He said that he's just not that good at it and just doesn't enjoy it. I realized that in all of the activities we did, he stuck to things where he was good, where his participation could make him look good in the eyes of others. He was a guy of tremendous musical talent. He was smart. He was reasonably athletic. There was much that he could do that would allow him to look good, but he concentrated on those things to maintain that image. That image made him very popular with the young ladies in the fellowship.

Many of the common social circumstances in which I found myself during those years didn't play to my strengths. I was often in settings that just didn't make me look good. Rather than figure out a way to create circumstances where I could appear my best in the young ladies' eyes, I kept telling myself that I just had to get better in those other areas. As a result, few women ever saw me at my best, and few of us are good enough to win someone when we can't appear at our best. I didn't come across as a bad guy. I just didn't come across as someone for whom a young lady could develop feelings.

In my case, I needed one-on-one conversations. I needed to be able to talk to young ladies in circumstances that were private enough that we wouldn't be interrupted by other people but public enough that she wouldn't be concerned whether I was up to something beyond good conversation. I remember visiting a woman whom I knew from a church fellowship and having a long, one-on-one conversation. Our age difference was enough that we wouldn't have been romantically involved anyway, but we were both single. We had a great conversation. She remarked that just knowing me from the conversations we had during and around fellowship meetings didn't leave her with the impression that I'd be a fun guy to talk to for three hours. To her surprise, we just kept talking because talking was fun.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't work to improve in areas where they are weak. I'm not endorsing my roommate's practice of rarely doing those things that wouldn't make him look good. While he had to work hard to find circumstances where he wouldn't look good, maybe he would be stronger overall if he sought those circumstances more often.

I am saying that the failure to put oneself in the best light is going to increase the chances of ending up a lonely, middle-aged man.

3. Don't be too afraid of social stigmas, even if your parents or church believe them.

Through my mid-20's, I'd occasionally see these singles newsprint magazines full of personal ads. I occasionally wanted to answer the ads, but I was hesitated because of the social stigma of meeting someone through a personals ad. The general attitude was that only "losers" used those ads and that I shouldn't stoop to that level. Fifteen years later, I realize that I qualify as a loser in the world of relationships. I don't believe that I would certainly have met the right woman in one of those ads. I probably wouldn't have met the right woman, but I would have gotten some good practice in relationship skills. Plenty of people had plenty of reasons why I shouldn't have sought that experience in that venue, but they aren't the ones having to walk in my shoes.

4. Don't be too much of a gentleman.

One of my policies has always been to try to avoid approaching a woman while she's at work. We all have to make a living, and making a living can be tough enough without having either to accept someone's expression of interest in a positive way or reject that expression in a gracious way all while doing right for an employer. Not adding this challenge to any woman's life seems to be a gentlemanly policy to adopt. I've occasionally come close to expressing an interest. I've even stumbled through a few words, but I've always backed away before giving her a chance to respond either way.

I don't think my practice is bad, but it closes many opportunities for me to initiate a relationship. I'm sure that there are plenty of other examples, but the central truth is the same. Sometimes, a guy has to be willing to put himself and a woman in a somewhat awkward position in order to initiate the contact that could lead to a relationship.

5. Don't "put all of your eggs in one basket."

I firmly believed that the right woman would come to me through the church or some activity associated with my practice of the Christian faith. I never made a real "Plan B" and didn't have that plan to implement when I realized that "Plan A" would never yield any results.

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