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The Official Weekend Singles Thread—July 28-30
OhioWfan, Kate of Spice Island, Maximus Ridiculousness

Posted on 07/28/2006 5:00:29 PM PDT by Maximus_Ridiculousness

A perspective on marriage, looking for a marriage partner, and cyberdating. 

Presented to you by OhioWfan, Kate of Spice Island, and Maximus Ridiculousness.

OhioWfan's Perspective on Making Marriage Work:

My 'assignment' for this special weekend singles thread was to outline what I believe are the ingredients of a long-term successful, loving marriage.  Obviously, in the 'it takes two to tango' spirit, I engaged my adorable life-partner/incredible husband in the task, and together we compiled a list of recommendations and qualities that we believe have made our marriage work so well.   Neither of us is perfect (especially me........he's close!), but we went into marriage with commitment and thought as well as love, and after 30 years we are more passionately in love than ever before, and are each other's deepest and most trusted friend.
 
We have grouped our thoughts in two categories.......considerations before marriage, and goals as part of marriage.   There is nothing new nor revolutionary here, but we believe these things together have worked to make our marriage incredibly close, and a lot of fun. They are generally applicable, with some specific illustrative examples of our own relationship. 
 
I.    Important things to consider prior to marriage
II.    In Marriage

 

So............these are the things that we both believe have helped make our marriage strong.   The details may be different for others, but we believe the principles apply for every couple wanting to make their marriage really succeed.  Some people say a good marriage takes 'work,' but we both disagree.  We think that being married and trying to keep our marriage alive is great fun.  It's God's plan, and it's awesome to be right in the middle of it!

Kate and Phil's Story of Love and Marriage

Phil and I first met back in the teen years when I started working at a local drive-in movie theatre where he was employed. There was a "no dating coworkers" policy and we were both into following (some) rules and didn't want to get fired, so we were just friends instead.
 
Apparently, we were both interested in each other, but too shy/insecure/whatever...to say anything, but we became friends.
 
I remember going to his house and he to mine when we were still in high school, but he was older and went off to college. During a few of his weekend visits, we went on a few dates, but then I didn't see him again for a good four or five years.
 
By then I was married AND pregnant, but ran into Phil at work, so it was strange (for both of us apparently) in the wishful thinking at that time. From time to time, I would go by his work and say hi when we were in town. By the time my marriage was definitely over (but I still had hopes of it not being over) Phil had gotten married and although his marriage was heading for over...neither of us was willing to admit that we were

separated from our spouses and divorces were filed.

 
We each went about our lives and once he changed jobs, I had no clue where he was. (Prior to that, where I would visit was a place where I would also visit my bestest high school friend's father as he worked in another department.)
 
Meanwhile, he had been looking for and looking up former classmates and one in particular that I also happened to know. This mutual friend had lived away from where we are now and I had all but given up talking to him ever again, when on a whim I looked him up in the phone book (kind of a one last time deal, as I couldn't remember Phil's last name, I didn't look him up and even if I remembered, I probably could have never spelled it...)
 
So, lo and behold, our mutual friend was listed and had been for a few years and I gave him a call. Meanwhile, between classmates.com and a high school reunion, Phil and our mutual friend had been talking and e-mailing, and Phil asked him if he knew how to get in contact with me, and the friend gave Phil my e-mail address.
 
So, our real official long-term dating was cyber dating as Phil had moved to TX and I was in Phoenix. We went from the occasional e-mail to IM and phone calls and that evolved to a long distance romance.
 
I went to Texas and lived with Phil for a year, but knew my heart was with my children and family. Phil was adamant about staying in TX.
 
Every time Phil asked me to marry him, I asked if he would consider moving to Phoenix. He kept saying no, so I returned to Phoenix.
 
When I ran away to safety and Phil's care I knew he loved me and would take care of me. When he let me go and let me move back to Phoenix to be with my children, I knew he loved me enough to let me go and be where I belonged.
 
When he asked me if I would marry him if he moved to Phoenix, he got the answer I wanted to give him all along.
 
We have been married just over four months and are still working on getting into a life and a routine in Phoenix and still feel like we are trying to get settled in, but we have come a long way together and are looking forward to many years of happiness and joy with my children and grandchild(ren).
 
For how long we have been friends, and the things we liked about each other, are still there.

Getting used to habits has been hard (I am secretive in general and I also kept a few government secrets for a long time that I don't keep secret any more), but by nature I just have never been a "talker", so that is changing.

 
He likes reality TV, my reality is like the TV show, "Medium." We both like "24" and wouldn't want it any other way.
 
We both enjoy sports and look forward to the Cowboys VS Cardinals game later this fall.
 
We managed to attend the same three schools of higher education, just never were both at any one at the same time.
 
I think the biggest piece of advice we can offer the single crowd is don't put yourself above dating anyone with "baggage" as you have clearly got "emotional baggage" in the form of selfishness. I know that God didn't make selfishness, but He did make caring and compassion. A heart of gold is worth far more than a free lunch...
 
When a heart of gold is the heart within, you will find someone for you with that exact same quality.
 
Did I mention that Phil also is conservative and was busy advocating for Bush before we started to discuss politics? I just loved sending him links to caption Kerry two summers ago.

Barb's Two Cents on Being a Newlywed and Some Advice on Cyberdating

Ahhhh...the bliss of being newly married!  What joy!  The birds are singing.  The bees are buzzing.  The flowers are blooming...

Okay, for me our honeymoon was a little different from most.  Actually, our wedding was a little different from most.  You see, hubby and I eloped (with 40 of our closest friends and relatives) in Reno in 2003—four weeks before he was to deploy to Iraq.  We were already engaged, and had planned on a summer wedding, but one cold winter day, hubby got "the call", and three days later we found ourselves in Reno tying the knot.

Our honeymoon consisted of phone calls, emails, letters between here and Iraq—and lots of insomnia.  At first it was strange being married to a man who was suddenly 6500 miles away, and it was even stranger that I could talk to him only when he was able to call me (every two to three weeks or so).

And so it went.

Our "real" honeymoon came 18 months later.  We spent a week in Vegas (yeah, I know some folks find it a tacky place for a honeymoon, but hubby's never been, and I love the Luxor).  We gambled, saw some of the shows, gambled, ate at the various restaurants, gambled, walked the Fremont Street Experience, gambled, got SMASHED in Quark's Bar and harassed a poor Borg and Klingon at the Hilton where they have the Star Trek Experience (we almost got kicked out—but we snapped some hilarious photos), and we gambled some more.

All fun and games aside, our marriage (going on year four now) is a very solid one.  Hubby has a heart of gold, and I could not ask for a better man.  I would have to say that absence made our marriage grow stronger.  We still feel like newlyweds.  We are like “kids” with each other.  We are the two most happy-go-luckiest-people I know, on the planet. 

Some advice on cyberdating.

Back in the day, I was the Queen of Cyberdating.  I started meeting men online as far back as 1996.  Match.com was the ONLY online dating site (with something like, 200 local members).  It took a lot of chatting, meeting bozo after bozo, and dating horrible men who were nothing like their profiles before I realized I was doing everything wrong from the very beginning.  By the time I met my hubby in a Yahoo chatroom by total  accident (most of you know this story)  5 years later, I had finally learned some very big lessons. 

That said, here are some of my do’s and don’ts when it comes to cyberdating:

GIRLS:  Meet your potential future spouse in a very public place.  For your very first date, only meet for coffee or drinks where you can chat for as long or as short as you are comfortable with.  It’s easier to split the scene quickly if you are just sipping something, and not in the middle of dinner or stuck with a loser date in the middle of a 3-hour flick.  NEVER leave your drink unattended.  Before you use the restroom, finish your drink, or order a new drink once you’re back to your table.  By all means, drive yourself to your destination, DO NOT EVER let your date pick you up on your first date.  Tell a friend, family member, someone—anyone—where you will be and when you should be home.  Take your cell phone with you.  Park in a visible area.  It took me years and years of dating the same type of loser with a different name, and one failed marriage to a closet alcoholic, before I finally ‘grew-up’ and decided I would not settle for anything less anymore. Period.  I literally sat down and made a list of all the attributes I had to have in a man.  In fact, what had happened was I learned the very long and hard way about everything I did not want in a guy  through my own personal trial-and-error. (Mostly error.)  It was only after this personal epiphany that I met my true-love.  And it didn't take long.

 


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: cyberdating; friendship; marriage; singles; weekend
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To: WFTR

I have some 'fit' issues with my kayak. The deck is somewhat low, compared to other models and my left leg always falls asleep. I am in the process of re-doing my seat, which will hopefully cure it!

When I had my snake, she rarely ate in the winter. I think the longest she went was about 4 months. I'd put a rat or a hamster in for her, she'd look at it but wouldn't take it. It was odd, but saved me money!


561 posted on 07/31/2006 1:27:18 PM PDT by proud_yank (Socialism - An Answer In Search Of A Question For Over 100 Years)
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To: WFTR

It sounds like pure heat exhaustion, to me. I had similar symptoms once when I worked in a melt shop at a steel mill.

Not fun.


562 posted on 07/31/2006 1:29:35 PM PDT by proud_yank (Socialism - An Answer In Search Of A Question For Over 100 Years)
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To: rzeznikj at stout; WFTR; proud_yank; pcottraux; Rca2000; All
Computer question.. not sure if all I pinged here are geeky!!

Ad Aware (free spy-ware finding) has several times just stopped at same place. I suspect it is corrupted (or horrors, affected by virus/spy-ware)

I also use spy-sweeper (which never finds anything) and AVG.

should I just uninstall & reload Adaware to my computer? As I recall I have had it a long time & each time I get a new computer, I down load it.

OR would it be better to try to fix it (which I don't have a clue how)
563 posted on 07/31/2006 1:44:03 PM PDT by DollyCali (Don't tell GOD how big your storm is -- Tell the storm how B-I-G your God is!)
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To: proud_yank; WFTR

well there are three of us here who kayak. Need one more for an outing and if it rains we can play bridge!

gotta get busy & do a power point for chruch. I am leaving town md week but committed to this along time ago (for VBS)..


564 posted on 07/31/2006 1:45:50 PM PDT by DollyCali (Don't tell GOD how big your storm is -- Tell the storm how B-I-G your God is!)
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To: DollyCali

I wouldn't be the one to ask, my advice would probably make your computer explode!

Sorry I couldn't help.


565 posted on 07/31/2006 1:47:02 PM PDT by proud_yank (Socialism - An Answer In Search Of A Question For Over 100 Years)
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To: DollyCali

Download "SpyBot Search and Destroy" and "X-RayPC" and use those. They are both free and will do a thorough job.


566 posted on 07/31/2006 2:43:40 PM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")
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To: proud_yank

sometimes I thnk I would be better off if my computer exploded. The HOURS I spend at this "machine"!


567 posted on 07/31/2006 3:00:21 PM PDT by DollyCali (Don't tell GOD how big your storm is -- Tell the storm how B-I-G your God is!)
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To: DollyCali

LOL!

You've seen OfficeSpace, right?


568 posted on 07/31/2006 3:01:47 PM PDT by proud_yank (Socialism - An Answer In Search Of A Question For Over 100 Years)
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To: pcottraux

I think I had spy bot once.. Guess I should remove ad aware. If it is NOT working, no sense in having it.

Right now instead of cleaning my house I am doing the power point. such discipline. and then later will be at FReepatoon & the Dose..

thanks Phil


569 posted on 07/31/2006 3:01:56 PM PDT by DollyCali (Don't tell GOD how big your storm is -- Tell the storm how B-I-G your God is!)
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To: proud_yank

no don't think I have.. will need to look it up on rotten tom to make sure. I see a LOT of movies. I have been known to tell people I have not seen a movie & then once in theri DVD player & it starts, I have a "oh yea" experience.


570 posted on 07/31/2006 3:03:26 PM PDT by DollyCali (Don't tell GOD how big your storm is -- Tell the storm how B-I-G your God is!)
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To: proud_yank

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/office_space/

looking it over.. think not. Looks like fun though


571 posted on 07/31/2006 3:05:10 PM PDT by DollyCali (Don't tell GOD how big your storm is -- Tell the storm how B-I-G your God is!)
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To: DollyCali

I would try reinstalling Ad-Aware first.

Do you have any other anti-virus programs (e.g. Norton; TrendMicro PC-cillin, McAfee, etc.) installed on your computer.

Another one you might want to consider is Spybot S&D.


572 posted on 07/31/2006 3:36:46 PM PDT by rzeznikj at stout (ASCII and ye shall receive... (Computers 3:14))
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To: pcottraux

Never heard of X-Ray PC...

Have to look into it...


573 posted on 07/31/2006 3:37:37 PM PDT by rzeznikj at stout (ASCII and ye shall receive... (Computers 3:14))
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To: rzeznikj at stout


avg * Webroot spy sweeper both installed & running


574 posted on 07/31/2006 4:07:38 PM PDT by DollyCali (Don't tell GOD how big your storm is -- Tell the storm how B-I-G your God is!)
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To: Kate of Spice Island
Like a close friend that knows you well or something?

I'm sorry to be so slow getting back to you. I got through a couple of replies last night, but I started dozing at my desk.

I have one close friend who lives about 650 to 700 miles from here. We should phone more than we do, but we don't get around to it. He's not in great health, so I don't like to take too much of his time. I have another good friend who's a missionary in Cameroon. Needless to say, we don't have many casual conversations. I talk to my folks once a week. Otherwise, there's no one that I talk to in tremendous depth. I've lived in five states and moved seven times since 1994, so I've had some challenges there.

Bill

575 posted on 07/31/2006 5:16:30 PM PDT by WFTR (Liberty isn't for cowards)
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To: ohioWfan
Thanks for the well-thought and kind response. To some extent, we'll have to disagree on some things, but I'm okay with leaving some things in disagreement. That's just a part of life. I'll try to hit the important points just to be clear.

I know that many people in church will disagree with my use of the term "passive" to describe what the teachers of different churches and different Christian fellowship groups were saying. I still think that the term is accurate. I was in Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship as an undergrad, and I remember that The Navigators, a similar evangelical fellowship, was often called "The Never-daters" because of their discouraging approach to dating. While Inter-Varsity wasn't as blatant as The Navigators, I saw enough of each fellowship to see that their messages were similar. The fact that others picked up on that "never-dater" message and even made it a joke tells me that my interpretation of that teaching was not unique.

I still believe that if you cite all of the "be careful" type Scriptures every time you talk about dating and rarely cite the "pursues a good thing" Scriptures, you are encouraging passivity. They never talked about diligence in the dating teachings the way that they talked about diligence in the studying or working teachings. Now that I look back on the Bible reading that I did in those days, I can see different ways of looking at the Scriptures. I can see a overall view that would be mostly positive towards the active pursuit of romantic relationships. However, at the time, those whom I respected were spinning things to try to put the brakes on any part of that pursuit.

On your second point, I'm aware that I'm not tremendously self-confident and that I was in many ways even less self-confident when I was younger. I've also come to believe that self-confidence is the quality that seems to make a woman's heart go pitter-pat. The quickest way for a young lady to get a young man's attention is with her appearance. I'm not saying that appearance is everything. I'm not saying that all guys do or any guys should let appearance be a big factor. I'm just saying that appearance is usually the first thing to draw a man's attention. I think self-confidence has the analogous affect on women. The guy who is 80% self-confidence and 20% able to accomplish things will seem more attractive to women than the guy who is 20% self-confidence and 80% ability to accomplish things.

I'm not going to give any more details about specific women that I've mentioned here, but I'm pretty certain of where I've stood with them in the past.

On your third point, I disagree that I'm in the prime of my life. My prime was at least ten and maybe fifteen years ago. I understand hypothetically that finding someone may be possible, but the value of anything on this path can never been as great as the value of what could have been on another path. Admittedly, the moving that I've had to do to rebuild my career has hurt my chances to build social networks, but one factor that weighs heavily on me is that I haven't been in a relationship that seemed to be even a remote possibility for years. Finding someone may be possible, but I don't see any evidence that it will happen. You mentioned your sisters who married at 37. I had much more hope at 37 than I do now.

Finally, I disagree with the statement that my understanding of God is "small." My understanding of God is very different from yours because we've had different experiences. I understand that God and the Christian pursuit of God has been a very positive thing in many people's lives. When my missionary friend was a freshman in college, alcoholism had such a strong hold on him that his liver was visibly swollen on his stomach. A doctor told him that he'd be dead of alcohol poisoning in six months if he didn't change. He was saved a few months later. He's had his challenges in life, but he's doing wonderfully. From what you've said, your son was no more diligent than I was in the pursuit of a relationship, and things have worked wonderfully for him. I've seen much of the church. I've been in numerous conservative evangelical and even some pentecostal churches. I have a broad base of background in the Christian faith. I've just found that when an unmet desire reaches the point of becoming an unmet need, the issue is no longer about timing. At that point, I had to accept that the faith didn't work for me as it has for others.

Bill

576 posted on 07/31/2006 6:05:58 PM PDT by WFTR (Liberty isn't for cowards)
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To: snugs
Hope some of my ramblings tonight/this morning have help.

I probably won't get to more of your specific posts prior to this one, but thanks for the encouraging words. I'll try to look at later ones if you've made them, but I haven't even hit the refresh button on my "pings" page.

Bill

577 posted on 07/31/2006 6:08:49 PM PDT by WFTR (Liberty isn't for cowards)
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To: Maximus_Ridiculousness
I appreciate your kind words, but I don't see any evidence of a chance for positive change. I don't want to be more specific or go into some other factors. I had thought that I might say more, but I'm now leaning against it.

Bill

578 posted on 07/31/2006 6:11:44 PM PDT by WFTR (Liberty isn't for cowards)
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To: DollyCali

OK--no Norton or McAfee?


579 posted on 07/31/2006 6:40:56 PM PDT by rzeznikj at stout (ASCII and ye shall receive... (Computers 3:14))
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To: rzeznikj at stout

no, just avg (which I understand is rated pretty well).

My bro uses it for the state of Ok in the division he is IT director


580 posted on 07/31/2006 6:43:35 PM PDT by DollyCali (Don't tell GOD how big your storm is -- Tell the storm how B-I-G your God is!)
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