Posted on 07/07/2006 2:26:47 AM PDT by sully777
How 'bout this one???
The story of Mary Poppins as a nanny is well known. Less well-known is her subsequent tale....
She traveled to Hollywood, where she opened a shop on Sunset Boulevard as a fortune-teller. Of course we already know she has supernatural powers, so it's no surprise that she was quite skilled in fortune-telling, and her reputation grew rapidly.
She continued to tell fortunes, and found that in particular, she always received a very strong premonition whenever someone was about to have an onset of bad breath. Her predictions of this turned out to be accurate 100% of the time. In order to publicise her success at this, she had a large sign placed above her door, which read: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.
Perhaps you need some of this to calm you down..........
A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"
The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.
Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.
The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border!"
The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.
At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I'll take you both on!"
And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.
Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.
The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. "Shhhh!", says the dual carriageway, "Watch what you say, that guy's a real cycle path."
Our B Side
Three Dog Night
(Cyan)
OUR B SIDE
By: Greenspoon/Negron/Wells
Released as B side on Shambala Single 1973
Here it is, our big blank baby
Yes it is, our B side baby
Someday we'll write an A side maybe
But if we will, what should we write baby
Rock and roll, blues in half time
Soft and low, or even old reggae
We?l try to make our minds rhyme baby
It's your fault if we're just lazy
Kids are you humming it 1,2,3,4
Hmm, hmm?
We'd love to write an A side someday
But here it is, our B side baby
Rock and roll, blues in half time
Soft and low, even reggae
Ye, de, do, do, ba
All about love and sorrow
Pain and peace
Kids are you dancing to it, 1,2,3,4
Na, na?
Here it is, our big blank baby
Yes it is, our B side baby
Someday we?l write an A side maybe
But here it is, our B side baby
(Are you humming it kids?) La, la?
Na, na?Everybody!)
OUR B SIDE
How does he do it? Rear-view mirrors!
LOL! Thanks. There's nothing like a good pun....
There's this inflatable boy, see, and he goes to this inflatable school and, while there, finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.
The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatbale school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.
A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.
(This does get worse, you know...)
Shaking his deflated head - more in sorrow than in anger - the Headmaster gravely intones:
"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."
Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!.......
How 'bout another one????
A tour group stopped at the Tower of London, and were given the chance to try out some of the ancient armour. Two men - one from Prague and another from Athens took up the opportunity. One donned a slightly damaged suit of plate armor and the other chain-mail, while the rest of the group crowded around. But in the full suits, the onlookers couldn't tell one from the other.
"Is that the Czech wearing the plate armour?" asked one tourist.
"No," replied another, "The Greek has the broken plate, and the Czech is in the mail."
And I'm sure as soone as he gets it, he'll be Russian to the bank!
http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic941.htm
Not for the Younger crowd......
More Mel Brooks:
Taggart: I got it. I got it.
Hedley Lamarr: You do?
Taggart: We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em.
Hedley Lamarr: "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?
Taggart: NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on.
Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous.
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