Posted on 10/01/2005 7:36:14 AM PDT by teldon30
Guys, we all know that feeling. That queasy one in the pit of our stomachs, a date with a new lady. No big deal when we were 18, or 21, or maybe even single at 30. But we’ve been married for a while, forgotten how to date and forgotten more about that other species known as females than we now know. Also, truth be told, if we’re completely candid with ourselves, we’ve been spoiled and pampered, accustom to having someone take care of us, make sure that our socks matched, that we didn’t embarrass ourselves at that party. Sex was a given, no need to shower, shave, appear desirable, or even interested. And definitely no need to think about her feelings, wants, desires, or idiosyncrasies on a second by second basis.
Fast forward to the present. You’re separated or divorced. You want to date, want to meet that lady of your dreams, or maybe lots of ladies of your dreams. But marriage or at least divorce has left a bad taste. You’re feeling uncertain about females, uncertain about yourself. You’re not even sure if you’re desirable anymore, or what the present day modern female of the species is looking forward or considers desirable. And, to top it all off, if you’re really candid with yourself, you have no idea how to go about this thing called dating. Heck, you may not be sure you even want to try.
Do women have the same issues? Yes, to a degree. However, women are far better prepared for the single life after marriage than men. Women live and breathe relationships. They’ve thought about them their entire lives. They’ve prioritized their relationships, and their feelings all along, as many of them clearly like to tell us, and so, understand themselves and their situation. Also, women possess a much more evolved emotional support system with lots of girlfriends. They have shoulders to cry on, emote to, get advice from, and generally are well positioned to move forward to this next phase of their life.
What do we men have? Squat- Less than squat. We don’t tend to think about the big “R” word, relationships. We probably didn’t think much about ours. We’re essentially anti-social, with few, if any male friends. Sure, we can talk about the football game or the stock market. But talk about our feelings of insecurity, what we don’t know about women or dating? Hardly! So, we’re generally ill – equipped to approach that most sophisticated and evolved of all animals, the single American female.
So, what’s the secret to getting back to a normal, healthy social life? Sorry, there are no secrets. We’re all different and what works for Bob will be different than for Ted. However, there are seven basic rules that apply to all of us,
The Seven Secrets of Life for the Divorced Guy: (OK, we could do 10, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it!)
1. Take time to know yourself
You’re single again, and just aching to get back out there and mix it up. Hold on there, Trigger. Yes, it’s easy to date and easier to find a female or females to spend time with you. But, do yourself and your partners a favor. Take some time off. Ideally, take a year or so after your marriage to get to know yourself again, your likes, thoughts, and feelings. After all, you’ve not been You for a long time; you’ve been We, perhaps for as long as you can even remember.
It’s critical that you get back that sense of you as a valuable, individualized person. You need to know you before you’re any good for anyone else. Trust me, taking a little extra time initially will pay off later. You’ll be happier with your dating. It will be more meaningful, and you’ll be making fewer mistakes. Take it from someone that made lots.
2. Define and clearly articulate your goals
Ok, don’t laugh here, but true story. When I came out of divorce, I sat down and wrote down the attributes of the female I wanted to meet, date, and be with, in detail, right down to hair color and body shape. Stupid? Yes, but it did provide a focus, and something to plan for. Of course, as I began dating, I found that I really didn’t know myself that well, as most of what I thought I wanted, I found to be wrong/incompatible/silly/impossible, you take your pick.
However, it is very important to define, in a general way, what you’re looking for in dating. Do you want to play? Have fun? Meet someone serious? Have a buddy only? Someone primarily for sex? Whatever you want, you need to be honest with yourself. You need to be able to look at that scraggly face in the mirror in the morning, mussed hair and all, and feel comfortable that you know what you want, and are in the process of finding it. Otherwise, you’re going to find that dating is stressful, unfulfilling, and generally a pain in the behind. And, you certainly won’t get high marks from the female crowd, which hurts all of the rest of us poor unsuspecting males out there, trying to bravely make our way.
So, do us all a favor here in the male kingdom. Know what you want, go get it, and leave the rest alone.
3. Be candid and direct
Guys, we all like low stress. We hate controversy, and wasted energy, especially in dating. What’s the secret to minimizing stress and drama? Ok, one key is avoiding females that like drama, but that’s the subject of another column. Rather, it’s being candid and direct.
I know, I know, you don’t want to tell her at the dinner table that her dress sucks. No, that’s not being candid and direct, that’s being stupid, otherwise known as being honest. A totally different concept.
Rather, what I’m talking about is don’t play games. Don’t tell her you want to get married eventually if you don’t or are not sure. Don’t tell her you want kids, hers included, if you don’t or don’t yet know. Don’t feign a love of sushi if fish, raw or otherwise, is simply not your thing. Rather, put yourself in situations that you like and are comfortable. Do not mislead the female of the species, they get quite a bit more than antagonistic later on when they find differently. And, they will find out the Murphy’s Law of Dating. If It Can Go to Crap, It Will. . It’s far better to spend time with ladies that like the real you than sexy ones that seem fun, but aren’t really compatible.
Men, it may seem counterproductive and take some effort, but you will bring far less angst on yourself in your encounters, as well as earn the everlasting respect of your fellow female journey mates by being candid. They may even add you to the rare Good Guy list and who knows, maybe even set you up with friends that are far more interesting.
4. Be positive
She’s late for dinner. By two hours. Smile. She’s whining, now sending back her second undercooked entree. Smile, and laugh. She tells you about her evil ex-husband and how all he wanted was sex, for the entire three hours of the meal. Smile, even if you have to think about how lucky he is to not be here.
Dating is by definition, stressful. It’s two people, who don’t know each other, who are uncomfortable with each other, and perhaps even with themselves, auditioning in the biggest game in life, a relationship. It’s also a wonderful experience, a chance to meet many, many wonderful people, learn something new about each and every one of them, and grow as a person.
There is no room for being negative, no room for false drama. We’re all trying our best. So what if the date wasn’t perfect, Most aren’t. But, you’ve had another evening with another wonderful person, learned a few things and had a few laughs. And soon, you will meet that one, or two, or multiple, people that you really can’t wait to spend time with.
So, be positive. Convey a positive attitude. Nothing is sexier to a lady than a guy that’s happy, confident, positive, and lets her know that he’s happy to be there with her. If you’re positive, she’s going to find it hard to be less than positive as well. If not, think positive- she’s gone from your life in less than three hours.
5. Learn from each encounter
You use the same three jokes on her that you’ve always used. She frowns, and stares at her food for the rest of the evening. Did you ever stop to think that maybe that off color joke about your ex is not such a good idea? Or, you arrive home from yet another date, feeling beaten and unfulfilled. Did you ever stop to think that perhaps dating women that are aggressive, forceful personalities, that leave little in the way of dialogue or interest in your needs, is probably not what you’re seeking? Yet, you keep going out with that type?
Learn from each experience. After all, you do not have all the answers. We each come out of divorce like babes in the woods. We know nothing, and each experience gives us new knowledge. But, it’s only knowledge if we learn from it.
So, ask yourself after each date, or female, what did I like about her? Dislike? What lessons learned can I take to my next dating relationship? What have I learned about myself that will be important when and if I develop a serious relationship? Don’t assume you have all the answers. I didn’t, and still don’t. But, I’m learning.
6. Navel-gaze
Do more than simply pick lint from your bellybutton. Ladies, sorry if this offends you, but it’s an article addressed to guys. And guys, navel-gazing, as you well know, doesn’t mean straining to see over that well developed stomach area. It means introspection. Dating is an evolutionary experience. The more we date, the more we learn about ourselves. And, the more we learn about ourselves, and what we want from a relationship, the happier we will be, and the happier we will make our partners.
In female vernacular, we aren’t as in touch with our feelings as women are. This is debatable, and the subject of another column. However, it is most certainly true that we men don’t often take the time to consider our feelings. We’re good at thinking, but avoid feeling. So, don’t be afraid to navel- gaze.
7. Have fun
Dating is fun. Meeting delectable members of the opposite sex is fun, hopefully, more than fun. True, there can be a fair amount of drama or associated issues. But, don’t get sidetracked. Don’t engage. Remember, dating is fun. Life is fun, and you should have fun with the entire experience.
So, get out there, enjoy yourselves, make mistakes, learn from them, smile and above all, have fun!
:o)
Bella had NO use for doggie school. She just laid down, let the other dogs sniff her and took a nap! :o)
MM
If I am not being too nosey - how long after you were widowed did you want to date again?
day10
What are you suggesting here?
I have never failed to show up for a date, nor know anyone who has.
Maybe your choices aren't the swiftest.
I also have been known to miss the obvious, but have you considered that perhaps this poor sad sack has met that common monster?
The self-absorbed, manipulative, controlling, insecure witch from hell?
There is a remarkable number of them out there. No, I don't speak from personal experience, but I got eyes.
ME: Well...do you have friends/family that keep you busy?
She’s whining, now sending back her second undercooked entree. Smile, and laugh. Not as busy as you are keeping the cook and the waitstaff..
Not really
ME: Is there any place you dream of going or anything you've always wanted to do.... but couldn't until now?
She tells you about her evil ex-husband and how all he wanted was sex, for the entire three hours of the meal. Smile, even if you have to think about how lucky he is to not be here. I think about wonderful sex from a beautiful woman all the time.
I don't think about it much
Not, of course, indicating that YOU would have done anything like this...
take a good look at yourself in the mirror and date within your species.
LOL!! No.....I'm sorry I didn't. I'm always on time or early....and in these cases...I wished I'd been caught in traffic indefinitely. I've never had to send a plate back to the kitchen.....AND....I don't whine. *chuckle* See? There IS something wrong with me! :)
Not more than once by the same person, and certainly not mortally. I particularly embrace the part about the taking time out for introspection; I did that in '96, dropped out, enjoyed myself, traveled a lot for about three years and it did wonders for my attitude when I once again returned to the piranha tank...
This can't possibly be a complaint, since I see these as the best six years of my life. And no, I do not feel that I have fundamentally changed. I just no longer indulge the neurotic.
Well.... I guess that leaves ME out.... *grin*
Well, that's what you get for dating an "MD", instead of another person. There is a unstated message there.
Personally I would rather not know what a person does for a living prior to establishing a friendship (yes, friendship precedes serious dating, unless one is a masochist). And I certainly don't want to find out who or what she is filtered through her delusions. Nothing is as instructive as a few relaxed, long conversations.
And, certainly, that works both ways.
Sounds like shopping for a puppy.
There is a bright side, believe me. Whatever you feel now, I guarantee that in a few months, or a few years, you'll feel liberated, happier than ever and fortunte to be rid of something ugly.
And as an added bonus, there are wonderful, attractive, interesting women out there of all ages. Just take your time and decide for yourself!
And for heaven's sake, take those few years off to purge yourself of the devil-woman's influence!
Its VERY much like shopping for a puppy IMO. ;o)
I even have my rolled up newspaper ready to swat when I get a new "puppy". :o)
MM
Why so timid?
I returned into this thread late, but I notice a conspicuous absence of discussion as to the purpose of dating. It varies from individual to individual, and your mileage may vary.
The rules are substantially different, depending on the purpose of the participants.
The most rare, and the most rewarding, are dates intended to create a new friendship, without a specific goal or a timetable.
Many men I know who are between a 4-6 on the looks scale won't date anything less than a 9.5 and they wonder why they don't go out much.
My point was... take a really good look at yourself and date someone who is in your league. If you are a balding, beer bellied, slob - you aren't getting a gorgeous hottie. Unless you're R$I$C$H$.
Don't make it sound like a dweeb sentence!
I look forward to freeping on weekends without the distraction and guilt of work.
Ya mean something else can be more fun?
Can't imagine what!
Sorry.
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