I need help with marriage troubles (vanity)

I am 26 years old and have been married for 2 years. I am having trouble growing up and I am driving my wife nuts. It has gotten to the point that my wife talks about divorce almost every day. I want to work this out more then I every wanted anything but I can't seem to do it or do it quick enough. I can't seem to remember consistently to do every day things like take out the garbage make sure all the doors are locked and the heat is off at night (there is a lot more but won't get into it all). I am posting this here to try to get some advise on how to help my self grow up and start to take care of my wife and son better like a husband should. My parents are dead and I don't have a close family member or friend to get advise from. Could someone please help me.

She won't go to counseling

Poor guy. From this it looks like she is more interested in being the boss instead of a wife. Nothing can change that except HER growing. However if somehow you could find a temporary solution that could change an "unlivable" situation into a "livable" one for a few years you may outlast the storm. For any relationship to survive, you both have to stand on your own two feet and not completely depend on one-another. Sooner or later you will grow into the dependency stage that we all strive for. Respect and honor her views and faults and try not to expect too much from her. Frequently people threaten divorce only as a "big stick" to sling at the other person only as a means of getting what they want.

As a man that has been divorced more times than I'll readily admit to, my current marriage is what I've been striving for all of my life. It too started just like all of the others except I asked God to take care of it for me and to give me the strength to survive. He did and I now praise Him for it. He can do it for you too. Be aware that he knows the difference between a half-hearted attempt and a sincere effort! It won't be fixed overnight but can get better by each day. You probably will not even notice the daily differences but will someday look back and think "WOW" this God really did it!

Pray hard, long, daily, & SINCERELY! There is still hope.

Look... this is a confidence problem. Nobody is perfect; stop telling yourself you haven't grown up. You already faced more at 13 than most people with the death of your father and almost automatic distress of your mother that resulted. This does not inhibit maturity, it brings it on faster than most people.

So you don't take out the garbage or lock all the doors at the right time? Meaningless, we are all imperfect. Sure, work on the little things, they are important. But you are missing the real problem.

Your wife, likely also in her early twenties, has not matured enough to understand the importance of your marriage (a sacred institution) particularly with a child. Be patient with that, but don't let some sophmoric desire for romance (which always wanes after about two of years of marriage, but is replaced by a long term bond necessary for raising a family) put your child through a divorce.

That will be terrible for your son and will ultimately be bad for both of you. Remember, if there is a maturity gap here, it is likely your wife who needs to catch up only because she's not dealt with the same level of challenges that you have. Don't give in to the temptation to point a finger back at your wife. It's too easy for someone to just displace blame by claiming their partner is dysfunctional. That's what your wife is doing.

Get your confidence up. Stop beating yourself up. Marriage trouble always hits at around two years, when the romance seems to fade. It's normal and it's not your fault. Work through this and don't let yourself fall into the trap of self loathing. Finally, remember, women are not attracted to a man with no self-confidence.

You are young and you need to have patience with yourself while you mature. Your wife should have some patience with you too.

But sometimes we get involved in relationships where the committment level from one or the other partner doesnt rise to the level of tolerance required to coexist with another human being. In those cases people lead their lives with an illusion of expectations. Perhaps her father (or father figure) was a very responsible person who would patrol the perimeter with a shotgun in his hand, bolt the doors and make a reconnaisance scan to ensure the safety of the family within the home. If that is the case then she is going to expect the same thing from her husband.

People seem to get together for the wrong reasons these days. We are attracted to people because of an endorphin triggered chemical reaction and then we take that into a marriage expecting that chemical reaction to last forever. Soon the chemicals wear off and we are confronted with the reality that the marriage is not what we expected it to be. Then we are surprised when the marriage falls apart, the fairy tale is over and the nightmare begins. That endorphin high is a powerful narcotic to which many people become addicted. They flit from relationship to relationship, and marriage to marriage seeking another high. Until she sees this and confronts the reality of her expectations, she will carry this problem from relationship to relationship. Because nobody is going to be just like her daddy (or whomever was the alpha in her family).

It is probable that you both need to confront the reality of the relationship. She needs to realize that at the moment she is the security minded person and that her daddy is not there to patrol the perimeter. She needs to accept that you are not her daddy. She needs to stop scaring you with divorce threats and driving you out the door. You, on the other hand, need to confront your own demons. You need to know and accept exactly who you are, and you need to ride out and meet your own evils. Embrace the horror... are you lazy? Do you have a problem with committing to action? Do you need reminders all the time? Take an honest self inventory and decide upon which things you are willing to change and which things you will take a stand on. Did you 'forget' to lock the door??? BULLCRAP, you didnt take the time to lock the door. Take personal responsibillity for your own actions. Because ultimately your wife cannot change you, only you can. You need to know who YOU are, and when you do 'grow up' you may grow into a person that your wife doesnt like.

So you have to have the emotional composition to tolerate the thought of her leaving with the child and you starting over again. If you have the internal strength to tolerate her taking your child and marrying another man. If you have the strength to carry on even though she does not love you anymore. If you are strong enough to tolerate all of that, then she will probably stay with you. But if you grovel, and scrape at her feet. If you Beg and cry for her to stay... you will drive her away. You will never be confident in your marriage until you are prepared to do without it. Until that time, the marriage will enslave you both.

YOU need to be prepared and strong enough to go alone for in case she decides the same. Believe me, a marriage cannot survive unless both individuals are committed to longevity. The foundation of marriage cracks when one of you puts a stipulation on the marriage.

Now,
Seek Out A Professional.

Good Luck...

Does your work require you to travel? Can you can home during the day?

Here's the thing: It took me a long time to realize that my home is where I WANTED to be.

For a long time, I preferred the company of my male friends, the comradery, the bonding, all that BS.

Now, you couldn't drag me outta here with a double-team of Kliesdales(sic).

You have a high-pressure job?

Always in a hurry?

Slow down, set a pace, set a pattern.

Wake up 1/2 hour earlier.

Use Post-It notes to remind yourself. Use Post-It notes to remind yourself to use Post-It notes.

You hit the nail straight. These knuckleheads are stupid and selfish. I've seen them terrorize an entire freeway. And their buffoon buddies followed them in a cage filming the whole thing. Wanted to pull them over and give them the beatin their daddies should have. Then they come crying to me that the pols take away their "rights". If you're that stupid, you got no rights.

In my own defense let my just say this. I do not do wheelies or stunts on busy roads or freeways. The road that pic was taken on is a county road with miles of visibility and little traffic. I don't do 150+ mph on the highway. On the rare occassion I do a wheelie in town I make sure I have plenty of room and no traffic around. Wheelies are not irresponsible if done responsibly.

Imagine IF he whines and plays a PERFECT victim HERE on a public thread...IMAGINE (oh the horror) what he is like at home?

He is the victim of a lousy memory, he is a victim because his son will be taken away, he is a victim because his wife doesn't like him...he apparently is successful at his job, but I suspect he prattles on and on to his wife with details of how he is a victim at work.

Whiney little boy sums it up perfectly...I feel sorry for his son

OHHHH now I know...the radio commercial RUSH plays about the whiney guy who's dollar is rejected at a soda machine, has to ask advice on what floor to travel to in an elevator...LOL...this is THAT GUY!

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