NYC Elects Muslim Socialist Mayor [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 November 2025 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

Self-professed democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani won the three-way race for New York City Mayor with more than 50% of the ballots cast. He called his victory "a clear mandate for my plan of reform. The majority of the people have endorsed increased taxes on the rich, freezing rents, establishing government-owned grocery stores, free and rapid bus service, and relentless opposition to the Trump tyranny."

The mayor-elect mocked naysayers who predict his policies will wreck the city, saying that "these kinds of policies successfully transformed an agrarian Russia into a global colossus that won both the war against Hitler and the space race. That great system was undermined when its leaders lost their nerve and refused to allow troops to fire on unruly peasants and workers who challenged its right to rule. I will not make that same mistake."

Mamdani went on to say "I dare those who fear my rule to leave the city. They've only got two months to get out before I implement laws that will confiscate the property of all who desert New York. Even if they do get out before then their vacated homes will provide more space to house the surge of immigrants seeking a safe haven for Muslim resettlement in America. These immigrants will provide the votes that will ensure my continued reelection for years to come and the leverage to impose revolutionary changes."

Given his antagonism toward the police many critics have predicted a crime wave will lower the quality of life in the city. Mamdani rebuffed these predictions, saying "the cultural changes I will bring will do a more effective job than any police squad could do to reduce crime. Just taking rape as an example, under sharia law rape is virtually nonexistent. Adult females are required to be fully clothed and are only allowed out in public if accompanied by a male relative. These relatives routinely carry knives for protection. Look up the data. See for yourself."

One Mamdani comment that bodes ill for the city is his notion that "we will prove that there is no problem too large for government to solve and no concern too small for it to care about." This runs exactly counter to former President Reagan's observation that "the nine most terrifying words in the English language are 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help." Mamdani's hubris replicates the delusions of history's worst dictators.

Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) tried to reassure America that "Mamdani's ideas aren't radical. They have a long history stretching from Karl Marx who advocated seizing the means of production from the capitalists in 1848 to Vladimir Lenin who actually seized them following the Russian Revolution of 1917. My wife and I honeymooned in the Soviet Union in 1988. The Soviet Union was less glitzy than the United States, but its people were collectively united in building a strong socialist economy in which there were no billionaires. Every person received a fair share of the nation's wealth as was determined by their elected representatives. This is what Mamdani, the majority who voted for him, and I want for America."

CNN commentator Van Jones lamented "Mamdani's sharp tone and gloating over his victory. You'd think he was just elected king of the world. He wasn't. Admittedly, his victory was a constructive step toward the socialism we all want for this country, but I think a more humble and softer tone would make it easier for more folks to jump on our bandwagon."

Meanwhile, a post-election celebration of Mamdani's win entailed vandals spray painting Nazi swastikas and antisemitic graffiti on the Magen David Yeshiva school in Brooklyn. Newly declared candidate for governor of New York Rep. Elise Stefanik (R) blamed Mamdani "for normalizing antisemitism in the city."

In related news, Democratic Socialists of America New York City Council Member Tiffany Cabán proposed "appropriating $200 million to defend immigrants from ICE enforcement. ICE is invading cities across America in an effort to deport people who want to make our country their home. Antifa has private funding and will confront the invaders in the streets without city subsidies, but we need $145 million in public funds to pay lawyers to give immigrants free legal counsel and $43.5 million for other free immigration services."

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TOPICS: Government; History; Humor; Politics
KEYWORDS: lenin; mamdani; marx; sanders; satire; vanjones

[John Semmens]

ping

[californian by choice]

I think New Yorkers voted for the Muslim only because they hate Trump; if Murphy's Law holds true, you know what will happen.

[Pirate Ragnar]

He isn’t a Socialist. He is a Marxist-Jihadist using Socialist as a cover.

[carikadon]

Exactly

[MacNaughton]

[AZJeep]

these kinds of policies successfully transformed an agrarian Russia into a global colossus that won both the war against Hitler
_______________

Yes, agrarian Russia, the main exporter of foodstuff, was turned turned into horror story, where millions starved to death.
Both in 1922 and during the war, Soviets were saved by US humanitarian help and Land and lease.

Then they evolved in oppressive military giant, where people were starving and living like sardines by dozens in one apartment.
Like Solzhenitsyn mentioned, the most productive part of Soviet economy were the gulags!

Is Mamdani planning to build gulags in NYC?
Looks like he will have to, to fulfill his promises.

[econjack]

Would someone point out to him that NYC is not an agrarian society. He said Socialism failed because the ruling class "...refused to allow troops to fire on unruly peasants and workers who challenged its right to rule." In other words, it failed because they wouldn't kill their own citizens." Mamdani goes on to say: I will not make that same mistake."

Good to know that, if you disagree with him, you will be shot. Just a heads-up for you people who put him in office.

[MikelTackNailer]

Hrumph! I've heard prattle about an inexperienced wog musselman admirer of forced sharing wanting to lead this nations primary nexus of commerce into a utopian fantasy.

The lad's selling himself as a sort of Swiss Army Knife of politics, trying to be all things to all bitter varieties of radicalism - while promising to produce everything out of nothing like a cheap stage magician. What sort of dunces would fall for that?

Such pishtosh and balderdash! Might as well believe that boys will use girls' restrooms, Supreme Court justices can't define womanhood and that China will rule the moon! Throw in gay Boy Scout leaders, senile Presidents and freed murderers while we're entertaining tomfooleries.

Now pardon me while I trek back up to the Catskills and resume napping for several more decades. Good day sir and madam!

[logi_cal869]

dems' new logo under dsa aegis:

[smokingfrog]

[antidemoncrat]

“NYC Elects Muslim Socialist Mayor”

Above all a Muslim