Posted on 09/05/2014 3:28:27 PM PDT by John Semmens
US Secretary of State John Kerry predicted that the Islamic State (also known as ISIS and ISIL) would be destroyed within three years. The means: "massive wrongful death lawsuits."
"These thugs might think they're cute filming the decapitation of their victims," Kerry said. "But by putting their torts on record they have opened themselves to legal liability that will cost them billions in damages."
"No country on Earth has better or more expensive lawyers than we do," the Secretary boasted. "With skills honed from decades of tormenting corporate defendants in the courtroom, the plaintiffs' bar will eviscerate ISIS's defenses and use their own words and videos against them. Financial ruin and public humiliation for these goons is just a matter of time."
Kerry invited observers "to compare our innovative and nuanced approach with the clumsy efforts of the Bush Administration's so-called 'war on terror.' In our plan, instead of putting US troops at risk, all the heavy lifting will be done by lawyers filing suits and attaching liens to every asset ISIS possesses."
According to Kerry, a side benefit of the Administration's strategy to sue ISIS into submission is that "it allows us to conserve our resources to fight the greater threat of global warming. The massacres perpetrated by ISIS are a mere pin prick compared to the devastation that climate change will wreak on the planet. If we do not prevail in this greater fight Foley and Sotloff will be remembered as the lucky ones."
ABC's Good Morning America, co-host George Stephanopoulos called this "sue the bastards" strategy "amazingly ingenious. It opens an arena of conflict at which this nation excels. The skills ISIS has nurtured in beheading captives, raping women, and killing children will be completely useless against the hordes of attorneys we can deploy against them. I think the Administration has once again turned the table on its critics."
if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...
http://www.freedomsphoenix.com/Opinion/162482-2014-09-05-semi-news-a-satire-of-recent-news-september-7-2014.htm
well.. yes... because by then we will be into the 1st year of a republican president who will kick their butts.
I don’t care if it takes 5 years. Just keep the M-79 grenade launchers away from Hanoi Boi. That boy is dangerous.
I’m thinking the goddess Isis, myself.
;)
Go get em John! Johnny's a hero!
Bushes: correct.
I detested Clinton but I think you are correct in your read of him regarding ISIS.
Obama: as Don Corleone said of Tagtalia--he's a pimp and, sad to say, so is our POTUS, a useless one at that.
(My just-coined word of the day, with thanks to Charles Dickens.)
Sorry John, but Lurch isn't this smart.
First rate job this week, John. Kudos.
Oh 3 years? thanks John! for putting a time table on this I was worried. How in the world did we amass such a gaggle of dopes in control?
Thanks John for putting a smile on my face today!
:-)
Haha. Someone should make Kerry stand on a street corner marketing “off-brand” ketchup.
...in a “Herman Munster” costume.
This is brilliant. Thank you for the ping.
At about the same time Gore predicts the end of the world from global warming. Oh the agony of it all.
VERY nicely played, Mr. Semmens.
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