Posted on 06/20/2008 2:49:09 PM PDT by knighthawk
1) Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for. The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.” The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.” The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”
And here are the nine runners-up:
2) An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes. There is a menacing banging on the door. ‘Whose there?’ the old man asks. ‘Death ‘comes the reply. ‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought it was the KGB.’ A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book. The KGB says "What are you reading old man?" The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew." KGB says "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done." "I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies. "But what if when you die you go to Hell?" asks KGB. And the old man replies, "Russian, I already know." Larry Rasczak Dan Sweeney
3)Pravda announced that it welcomed letters to the editor. All correspondents were required to include their full name, address and next of kin. Neil
4) Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?" A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals." Lee Jakeman
5) Leonid Brezhnev pays a state visit to France and he's given a VIP guided tour of Paris. He's conducted round the splendours of the Élysée Palace, but remains as stony-faced as ever. He's shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him. He's taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest. Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower, where Brezhnev finally stares up in amazement and astonishment. He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment: "But, Paris is a city of 9 million people... surely you need more than one watchtower?" (first heard by me in the Brezhnev era) Geraint Jennings
6) Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it's really like for the workers, so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin. After a while he wanders into a cinema. When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen. Everyone stands up and begins singing, except Stalin, who smugly remains seated. A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear: "Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do, but trust me, it's a lot safer if you just stand up." Robert B
7) A man saves up his ruples and is finally able to buy a car in Soviet Russia. After he pays his money the he is told he will have his car in three years. "Three years!" he asks "What month?" "August" "August? What day in August?" He asks "The Second of August" is the reply "Morning or Afternoon?" "Afternoon. Why do you need to know?" "The plumber is coming in the morning." Mark
8) Why do ex-Stasi officers make the best Berlin taxi drivers? Because you only need to tell them your name and they'll already know where you live! Will
9) Moscow in the 1970s. Deepest winter. A rumour spreads through the city that meat will be available for sale the next day at Butcher's Shop no. 1.
Tens of thousands turn up on the eve of the event: wrapped up against the cold, carrying stools, vodka, and chessboards, they form an orderly queue.
At 3 am the butcher comes out and says, "Comrades, I've just had a call from the Party Central Committee: it turns out there won't be enough meat for everyone, so the Jews in the queue should go home."
The Jews obediently leave the queue. The rest continue to wait.
At 7 am, the butcher comes out again: "Comrades, I've just had another call from Central Committee. It turns out there will be no meat at all, so you should all go home."
The crowd disperses, grumbling all the while: "Those bloody Jews get all the luck!" Andrew Vornic/Julian Cox
---
I liked the radio report that there was bad news and good news with The Five Year Plan.
The bad news - awful crops -manufacuring output poor - no heating oil.
The Good news - it will be a whole lot better than under the next five year plan.
---
A joke from 1985. Gorby and Reagan are stranded on an island and find a bottle. They open it and out comes a genie. He says, "I will give you one item, but I must warn you that you will die on this island". So they both decide they want a newspaper from 15 years in the future. Poof, the paper appears in the sand. Gorby grabs the paper and turns to the financial page and begins laughing and states, "your Reaganomics have plunged the USA into the deepest recession ever!" Reagan grabs the paper and turns to the international page and scratches his chin and states, "hmmm, I see there are skirmishes again on the border between Germany and China."
---
Brezhnev turns up at a camp in deepest Siberia. It is a snap inspection so he requests that everybody turns out on parade. he mounts the platform and starts his address....."Comrade Sailors of the Soviet navy.....".... there is a sharp tug on his arm - he stops and then restarts in exactly the same way. There is another sharp tug and this time a voice says...." Comrade president sailors have stripes that run horizontally - these are vertical....."
---
Brezhenev is showing his aged mother around the Kremlin. He shows her his ornate office, the state rooms, the banqueting suite and the garage full of limos. "Well mother has your boy done well?"
Mother looks aghast......"Son i'm very worried. What if the Bolsheviks come back?"
Ping
Bump.
ROtFL
“We pretend to work, they pretend to pay us.”
“There is no Pravda in Isvestia and no Isvestia in Pravda.”
ROFLMAO
The bad news - awful crops -manufacuring output poor - no heating oil.
The Good news - it will be a whole lot better than under the next five year plan.
Are you sure this is a Soviet joke? I think it might be the Democratic party economic plan.
old but still good
bump
Ah, the memories... BTT.
I’m going to venture a guess that dimlibs won’t find these jokes funny at all.
LOL! Two guys walking down the street in Moscow, one turns to the other, says “Do you think we’ve finally acheived perfect socialism?” His friend says “No Boris, it will get much worse”
2) An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes. There is a menacing banging on the door. ‘Whose there?’ the old man asks. ‘Death ‘comes the reply. ‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought it was the democrat.’ A democrat politician is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book. The democrat says “What are you reading old man?” The old man says “I am trying to teach myself Hebrew.” democrat says “Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? Why do you want to go to Israel, we will see that zionist country is destroyed for their atrocities against the Palestinians.” “I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven.” the old man replies. “But what if when you die you go to Hell?” asks democrat. And the old man replies, “Living with democrats I already know.”
"How many Jews do we have in the USSR?"
"Fourteen million", replied the aide.
And how many of those would take the opportunity to emigrate to Israel if I allow it", asked Brezhnev.
"Thirty-seven million."
KGB officer tells the next of kin that their father committed suicide.
Kin: How did he die?
KGB: Skull fracture.
Kin: Skull fracture?
KGB: Well, he wouldn’t take the poison.
Your numbers are off by a magnitude, but it is true. In fact Israel allowed in Jews, half-Jewis, quarter Jews and their families. It was so lax, that there are now Russian Nazis in Israel committing vandalism. (Yes, I know these are mentally damaged people. The Nazis hated Slavs and if one hates Jews, why not just emigrate?)
Here’s the joke that was featured in “The Lives of Others”
Early in the morning, Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window. He sees the sun and says: “Good morning, dear Sun!”
The sun replies: “Good morning, dear Erich!”
Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: “Good afternoon, dear Sun!”
The sun replies: “Good afternoon, dear Erich!”
In the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: “Good evening, dear Sun!”
The sun is silent.
Honecker says again: “Good evening, dear Sun! What’s the matter with you?”
The sun replies: “Kiss my ass. I’m in the West now.”
“
7) A man saves up his ruples and is finally able to buy a car in
Soviet Russia....
“
IIRC, that joke was used by President Ronald Reagan.
I heard some reporter/commentator repeating it.
I suspect I, AT THE LEAST, bruised some ribs with spontaneous laughter.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.