Free Republic

WORLD—Airports around the world are reporting record revenues after introducing a long-awaited feature: the ability to turn off CNN on television sets in their terminals. For just one quarter, you can turn off CNN for a full fifteen minutes while you're waiting for your flight, leaving you with the "far superior" experience of just staring at a blank screen. "At long last," said one man waiting for his flight at LaGuardia as he dropped a few dollars' worth of quarters into the "Turn CNN Off" slot. "Honestly, I might fly more now." He's not alone: airports expect a 426% uptick...

OTTAWA – A British and American couple, both unemployed, are seeking to emigrate to Canada despite having no real skills to offer the country, early reports indicate. British and American media have said that an American actor and her husband have the intention of living in the country on a semi-permanent or permanent basis. The actor has found some previous work in Toronto which may help her immigration and work permit applications although Citizenship and Immigration Canada has not identified acting as an in-demand trade. “She has to obtain the proper paperwork indicating that she has a job,” said an...

In November of 2018 Georgia House of Representatives Minority Leader Stacey Abrams lost her race for governor. Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) sought to explain why this far-left candidate failed to be elected. "It was because of voter suppression," Booker claimed. "People just stopped voting, even when the polls were still open. Too many Democrats had been brainwashed with the idea that you can only cast one ballot per election. Others who broke free from the brainwashing voted multiple times in various precincts around the state. If every Democrat had done this Stacey would be governor today." if...

Democrat Cory Booker dropped out of the presidential race Monday, ending a campaign whose message of “being the black guy” failed to resonate in a Democratic party that’s clearly racist. Senator Elizabeth Warren has stated, “With Booker out, I’m the last minority in the race.” Warren, who has grabbed headlines for promising trillions of dollars in other people’s money to minorities in order to buy their votes, is ecstatic to be alone in the race against white people. “Democrats have kicked out the Latinos Beto and Castro, the Wakandan-American Kamala Harris, and now Cory Booker. It’s clear that if we...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Mitch McConnell felt bad for Nancy Pelosi after watching her get forced to impeach the president by the radical wing of her party, then impeach him and sit on the articles of impeachment for weeks. So, he decided to cheer her up a bit. McConnell had his staffers deliver Pelosi a shirt reading "I Impeached The President And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt." Pelosi did not seem to understand the nice gift, pointing her finger sternly and lecturing the McConnell staffer: "Don't mess with me." Though her dentures fell out before she could finish her rant, sadly....

The rising tide of local governments in Virginia declaring themselves Second Amendment sanctuaries "is entirely unlawful" because "state law prohibits local governments from enacting ordinances or resolutions that are inconsistent with state laws," according to a Washington Post editorial authored by Mary McCord. "Allowing local governments to act in defiance of state laws imposing gun control will lead to anarchy," she wrote. "Permitting disobedience in this matter would be a dereliction of government's duty to see that its laws are faithfully enforced." McCord sought to differentiate illegal Second Amendment sanctuaries from illegal immigrant sanctuaries that have been declared by local...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats are beginning to grow worried that if their impeachment effort fails, they'll have to resort to plan B: nominating an electable candidate and winning an election. "The real danger here," said Nancy Pelosi in a meeting of top Democrats, "is that the normal way of getting rid of a president---impeachment---fails. Then, we'd have to try to find someone who isn't a smug, smarmy doofus and get the public to like them." "What about Andrew Yang? He's pretty nice," said one aide, who was then asked to leave the room for such reckless hate. "I could run for president....

Striving to burnish his image as the sole sane contender for the Democratic 2020 presidential nomination, former Vice-President Joe Biden tried to explain his support of Obamacare to a questioner at a campaign stop in Iowa. The voter recounted Obama's promises prior to the health care law's passage that "you can keep your doctor, you can keep your plan, your costs will go down. None of these promises were kept. Why should we keep Obamacare?" Biden responded saying that "there's two ways people know when something is important. One is when it's so clear when it's passed, that everybody understands...

In a speech at the US House of Representatives, Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) railed against “religious fundamentalists who are trying to manipulate state laws in order to impose their beliefs on an entire society. Their horrifying effort to restrict access to abortion will, if successful, coerce millions of women into bearing children against their will. This is but another chapter in their quest to trample the rights of those who disagree with them.” “They cite their religious belief in the sanctity of life as if respecting the right to life is some sort of absolute,” Omar complained. “There are other religions...

Former Secretary of State John Kerry blasted President Trump for "undermining all the progress made by myself and President Obama to build a stable relationship with Iran. Part of getting along with other nations is give and take. We cannot expect our standards of behavior to prevail over the long-term practices of as ancient a land as Iran." "The genius of the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) we negotiated was that it allowed both sides to carry on with activities it felt comfortable with," Kerry explained. "In exchange for our granting access to $150 billion dollars, Iran promised to...

U.S.—Look out, Beyond Meat -- a new competitor has emerged in the market of turning vegetables into a food that tastes just like meat. But while companies like Beyond Meat use laboratories to turn vegetables into something tasty, this new process uses a much more natural method: feeding the vegetables to a cow. The startup, which goes by the much simpler brand name of “Meat,” came upon this process after using hundreds of millions of venture capital dollars to research how to turn vegetable products into something delicious that could be used as a burger. “Vegetables are ugly and horrible,...

Shortly following Iran's ballistic missile attack on two US bases in Iraq, the regime also downed Ukrainian Airlines Flight 752 with a surface to air missile. All 176 on-board the aircraft were killed. The Iranian government has denied responsibility for the slaughter—alleging that mechanical failure or pilot error caused the plane to go down. So sure are they of their allegation that the debris field is currently being bulldozed to, as Irani officials say, "remove any false evidence that could be used to discredit our heroic air defense soldiers." Mayor Pete Buttigieg, a 2020 Democratic presidential contender, tweeted "innocent civilians...

NEW YORK, NY—A gleeful Joy Behar reported to the audience of The View the startling revelation that Adolf Hitler never voted for Trump, causing the crowd to cheer wildly. "This just in: it seems that Adolf Hitler never voted for Donald Trump!" Behar cried in ecstasy, causing the crowd to begin screaming in rapturous joy. "Shove that in your pipe and smoke it, bad orange man! Ha! You can't even get an evil Nazi dictator to fall for your shenanigans."

ATLANTA, GA—According to a report, as part of the settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts will be required to wear MAGA hats throughout every broadcast. "Let the punishment fit the crime," counsel for Sandmann said as Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, and Wolf Blitzer all solemnly donned Make America Great Again caps. Hosts were seen with downcast expressions as they commented on the day's events, MAGA hats in place. Sandmann says the hosts will be forced to wear the hats until they've learned their lesson, which could take a while. "Just be careful you don't make an expression some...

ATLANTA, GA—According to a report, as part of the settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts will be required to wear MAGA hats throughout every broadcast. "Let the punishment fit the crime," counsel for Sandmann said as Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, and Wolf Blitzer all solemnly donned Make America Great Again caps. Hosts were seen with downcast expressions as they commented on the day's events, MAGA hats in place. Sandmann says the hosts will be forced to wear the hats until they've learned their lesson, which could take a while. "Just be careful you don't make an expression some...

U.S.—The nation's Christians said they were really pleased that they voted for Republicans to control the White House and Senate so that Planned Parenthood abortions and funding could hit another all-time high.

Democratic presidential contender Marianne Williamson has laid off her entire campaign staff. She will, however, continue "my efforts to win the hearts and minds of the American people in my quest to rescue this country from the negative vibes emanating from the Trump tyranny." "Unlike traditional campaigns that require money to push forward, I will follow the advice given by J.M. Barrie and focus on thinking happy thoughts," she explained. "If thinking happy thoughts could enable the Darling children to fly to Neverland, they should be able to energize voters to vote for the kind of change I am advocating."...

In its continuing quest to break new ground in the pursuit of justice, the State of New York now has a new requirement that the accused must be given the victim's name and address. Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) defended the new requirement, calling it the fulfillment of the accused's right to confront his accuser. The previous policy of confining this right to the courtroom is too limited. The ability to contact the accuser and witnesses, if any, prior to a trial will make the process fairer and more efficient." "In many cases, victims of crimes are confused and uncertain about...

Last week, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) proposed a four-page Personalized Care Act that would replace the 955-page Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). The gist of this legislation would be to put individuals in charge of their own health care choices. Unlike Obamacare, individuals would be permitted to choose coverage more suitable to their needs instead of being forced to buy coverage for procedures they don't need. Democratic presidential candidates Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) blasted Cruz's proposal. Sanders called it "entirely antithetical to the concept of the common good. Individuals will selfishly buy only the coverage they...

Once again, abortion topped the list of causes of death worldwide with a fatality total of over 42 million for the year. This was more human deaths than caused by dreaded killers like cancer (8 million), Smoking (5 million), infectious disease (13 million), and AIDS (1,7 million). Planned Parenthood spokeswoman Adora Slaughter dismissed these figures, asserting that "unborn children aren't proper humans, they are a collection of human cells and shouldn't be labeled as fatalities, per se. Cancer cells are also human cells, but we don't count them in the death statistics when they are killed by surgery, radiation, or...