Free Republic

New York Mayor Bill deBlasio brushed off recent troubles between the police and the community in order to focus on what he considers “a much bigger existential threat to our way of life.” That threat: the use of Styrofoam containers by restaurants to keep takeout orders hot or cold. “Styrofoam is one of the top two or three threats to the planet,” de Blasio argued. “I realize that it doesn’t grab headlines like cops killing minorities or being killed in return do, but it has a bigger footprint in the scheme of things over the long run.” The Mayor insisted...

Irate that deductibles on their post-Obamacare health insurance have soared to $250 per year, the Harvard faculty has vented its spleen at the Administration. Previously, faculty health insurance plans had no deductibles. Dr. Albie Derned, Associate Professor Philosophy, characterized the increase as “intolerable” and “a stab in the back. We have been 100% behind the President in his efforts to transform this country’s health care system. For us to be swept into plans we don’t like is poor payback for our loyalty.” The fact that deductibles for ordinary people under the Obamacare rules are typically twenty times as high did...

Armed Muslim terrorists slew a dozen unarmed members of the editorial staff of the satirical paper Charlie Hebdo in a raid on the paper's Paris office this week. Though the gunman proclaimed these murders as retribution for the paper's mockery of Islamic extremism, leading liberal luminaries have reassured everyone that the attack had nothing to do with "real" Islam. The New York Times dismissed a female survivor's recounting of being spared and advised to convert and obey the Quran as "unreliable testimony. Given the traumatic circumstances these witnesses couldn't be expected to clearly remember events." The NYT's editors contrasted "the...

Taking heed of the nation's lowest workforce participation rates since the 1970s, President Obama suggested a plan for government funding of community college for every high school student with a C average or better. "We have liberated more people from wage slavery than any prior administration," Obama boasted. "While this, in itself, is a remarkable achievement we shouldn't rest on our laurels. We need to go the next step." Why free community college would be the "next step" was explained by the President's assertion that "going to college is a great experience that no one should be denied just because...

Satire Obama Creates New Cabinet Position for His Buddy In addition to his clerical duties guiding the moral and religious life of Americans, the Most Reverend Al Sharpton has been elevated to a cabinet level position in a new agency created by his friend Barack Obama, whom the good Reverend has visited over eighty times during Obama’s tenure. And Hugh Betcha, Head of the Religious News Department of Stoos Views Media Conglomerate, recently named “Most Trusted Religious Reporter, 2014” by MSNBC, frequent guest at the White House, and reporter respected by Muslims, Jews, Christians and Druids alike, was there for...

USA Today caused a stir last night when they published a column from Anjem Choudary, whom they describe as “a radical Muslim cleric” from London specializing in shari’a law. Earlier in the day, the Financial Times attracted a raft of criticism for publishing a column that insinuated that Charlie Hebdo‘s staff brought on their massacre themselves, but Choudary doesn’t even bother with a sop to free speech, which he dismisses as a non-Islamic concept. Instead, Choudary blames France for not protecting “the sanctity of a Prophet,” and says we should not expect anything else other than murder from Muslims...

A three-judge panel of the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver tersely rejected a request from Arizona and Kansas that an earlier decision overturning those states’ proof of citizenship requirement for registering to vote be reconsidered. “The law that these states want to enforce directly contradicts the policy that President Obama decreed last November,” the panel ruled. “The President has mandated new rights for those illegally in the country. To allow states to dilute these rights by imposing their own requirements violates the presidential supremacy clause of the US Constitution.” if you missed any of this week's other...

In an article called “The history of “wh”: a microaggression,” a Princeton student has called out those who question his pronunciation of “cool whip” as offensive and perpetrators of a microaggression. The piece was written by “Newby Patton,” who is listed as a Contributing Columnist by the paper. In “The History of ‘wh,'” Patton explains the pain he has gone through during his life when people notice that he pronounces “wh” with a heavy “h” sound. He never questioned how he pronounced “wh” before he came to college. Now, according to Patton, he is being mercilessly mocked by class students....

In a surprise move that is set to ignite debate amongst religious critics throughout the world, Miss Piggy announced her conversion to the Islam. Miss Piggy appears to have risen in popularity around the Islamic world as news of her conversion has spread throughout Pakistan, Iran and Egypt. There have even been signs of jubilation in the street of the West Bank and Gaza today. Already there are plans to rename Sharm el-Sheikh to Ham el-Sheikh and statistics indicate that the most popular name for Muslim new born boys AND girls is HAMza. Henson Enterprises, who own the exclusive...

Despite characterizing himself as a “hard grader,” President Obama rated his performance for the recently concluded 2014 an “A+.” “My critics want to harp on their pet issues to claim my Administration was a failure, but let’s look at what I was able to accomplish,” he asserted. “Republicans are slapping each other on the back for taking more seats in Congress than their Party has had since 1928, but it was my agenda that Congress enacted with the Cromnibus bill in November,” the President boasted. “I broke new ground in how the country is governed by stepping in to enact...

Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton (D) is pushing for a law that would ban football game kick-offs before noon. “The early start times are really unfair to the poor and minorities, many of whom are still in bed at that hour,” Dayton claimed. “These start times may be okay for people who are used to getting up early to go to work, but they are out of sync with other lifestyles.” Setting a time more accommodating to these “other lifestyles” is important because “watching TV is a much bigger part of the lives of those on public assistance. They shouldn’t be...

Senator Harry Reid was injured when a home exercise apparatus he was using collapsed under him. The former Majority Leader suffered broken bones in his face and ribs. Though his injuries were described as "relatively minor," Reid's anger at the Koch brothers was not. "I don't know how they did it, but their insidious campaign of terror against this country's legitimate leaders must be stopped," Reid demanded. Doubtful that a judicial remedy could suffice due to lack of evidence, Reid vowed he would "call upon the President to utilize his newly asserted executive authority to ensure that justice is meted...

Citing reports that troops fighting for the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) may have come down with Ebola, US President Obama called for a halt in all military action against them. "For us to continue the fight while our opponent is ailing would violate a basic sense of fairness," the President maintained. "If there's one thing I think all Americans can agree on it's that we shouldn't kick a foe when he's down. True sportsmanship mandates that we at least pause our attacks until ISIL troops are restored to health." In a bid to help speed ISIL's...

New York Major Bill de Blasio lashed out at the media for disrupting the City’s unity. “While I have been working diligently to convey an image of solidarity between myself and those protesting against police brutality, the media have introduced divergent perspectives that now threaten what I’ve sought to achieve.” The “divergent perspective” seems to be the idea that murdering police officers is an illegitimate method of protest against perceived racial inequities in law enforcement. “Police knowingly undertake jobs that are inherently risky,” de Blasio said. “Still, when all the numbers are tabulated, the police suffer fewer casualties than they...

Though the amount of trans fats in the sprinkles that are used to adorn donuts and ice cream cones is extremely low, the Food and Drug Administration is determined to eliminate these items from the food chain. “There is no good reason why anyone should consume these non-nutritional pollutants in our food supply,” said FDA nutrition expert Harley Sain. “The donuts and ice cream cones where sprinkles are usually found are bad enough on their own without this worthless addition.” Sain admitted that “if it were totally up to me, we’d be banning the donuts and ice cream, too. No...

White House Science Adviser John Holdren declared that “the global goal should be to strive for zero carbon dioxide emissions by the year 2100.” He also warned that “it won’t be easy.” One of the factors adding to the difficulty is that every living creature exhales CO2 as an essential function of being alive. The seemingly simple solution of exterminating every living thing is complicated by the emission of greenhouse gases—including CO 2—from decaying corpses. Despite these looming difficulties, Holdren says he is “optimistic that ways around these impediments will be devised before we get to 2100. If the exhalation...

The disclosure that a song making fun of Michael Brown—the young man shot by Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson last August—was played at a party at an Elks Lodge in Glendale California has inspired the Los Angeles Police Department to open an investigation. “Michael Brown has become an icon of the Black Community,” LAPD information officer Jesus Santos asserted. “Many see him as a martyr who died defending the rights of their race. White people have no right to mock him. We need to find out who is behind this song and bring him or her to justice.” Santos speculated...

Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) contended that claims that police brutality protesters chanted "we want dead cops" are "a slander against Black people." This is despite video and audio evidence that appears to verify the claim. "To my ears, these protesters are saying 'we want dread cops,'" Rangel maintained. "Some of us may not have the strongest skills with the English language or be very good with our elocution, but in my heart I can't believe that my people would call for bloodshed." In Rangel's view it makes more sense that the demonstrators were calling for "dread cops, because dreads are...

Incoming Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) brushed off complaints from his Party's conservative wing that his recent actions on the Cromnibus Bill served mainly to enable President Obama's illegal amnesty and fund all of his ill-conceived initiatives—including Obamacare—that Republicans had pledged to oppose if they won the November elections. "Rather than get bogged down in fighting over every specific policy or program, we are going to rebrand the GOP as the Party of 'yes,'" McConnell said. "People don't like to hear the word 'no.' They prefer to get what they want. If we can communicate the message that Republicans...

Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala) will not be the incoming chairman of the Senate Budget Committee. He has been pushed aside in favor of Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wyo) despite having served as the top Republican on the committee for the past four years. “It came down to a simple question of who was acceptable to President Obama,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) said. “While Senator Sessions has served competently while our Party was in the minority, the President has made it clear that someone more agreeable must man this vital post going forward.” “The time for contesting the priorities of...