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In a recent interview with CNN's Jake Tapper, President Biden sat down to assure the nation that while a nuclear war is likely on the way, it will only be "very slight." "Look folks, here's the deal. I don't think there will be a nuclear war with Russia. But if it is, it'll be very a very slight one," said President Joe Biden. "It'll be just a mild armageddon, nothing more." As the broadcast continued, Jake Tapper nodded calmly before staring blankly into the distance, trying to register that the world may or may not be on the brink of...

President Joe Biden will order more oil released from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve as gas prices are on the rise and OPEC announced it was making its biggest cuts in production in more than two years. Biden will release another 10 million barrels this month and he will 'continue to direct SPR releases as appropriate to protect American consumers and promote energy security,' White House National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan and economic adviser Brian Deese said in a joint statement. In the statement, the administration also called on oil companies to 'keep bringing pump prices down by closing the historically...

CHICAGO, IL — To help support its recent efforts to conduct grotesque gender experiments on young children, the American Medical Association has appointed famed Nazi doctor Josef Mengele as its new president.

NEW YORK, NY — New York Governor Kathy Hochul recently informed New York Republicans that they're not welcome in her state. But lo, a chosen one of burnt papaya hue, Donald Trump, approached her and demanded that she let his people go. The Republicans' punishments then worsened, with Hochul ordering that they have to make bricks without any straw and severely increasing their tax burdens. Hochul refused to bow to any of the plagues Trump called down upon her, until he said every baby would be born in her state and could not be killed legally any longer. This she...

KABUL — Thousands of American citizens still stranded in Afghanistan one year after the Biden Administration's overnight retreat are beginning to suspect the President may not be coming back for them, sources say. "We've waited patiently outside Kabul International Airport for a year now, but you know what? I'm starting to think President Biden isn't going to come for us!" said one citizen who asked for his name to be withheld for his own protection. "I really hate to say it, but it almost seems like he doesn't even care! Am I a terrible person for thinking that?" Representatives for...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to protect the safety and security of millions of Americans, the FBI has added itself to the FBI watchlist. "When we reflected on the vast number of pedophiles, insurrectionists, frauds, and killers in our organization, we thought: 'Holy cow! Someone needs to keep an eye on these weirdos!'" said FBI Director Christopher Wray to reporters. "That's why today we have decided to place the FBI on the FBI watchlist so the FBI can keep a close eye on the FBI before the FBI does something terrible." Congress is demanding oversight of the FBI's...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After learning that the president had contracted the Coronavirus, Joe Biden quickly called up Barack Obama to wish him a speedy recovery. "Hey, man, this is Pedo Peter. How you holdin' up? I heard on the news you got COVID-19. Come on, man, you should've called me!" Biden reportedly told Obama's personal assistant. Biden continued speaking while waiting to be transferred to Obama. "I just want you to know that you're my rock. I love you, man. Sending thoughts and pringles your way. Libbenshneblet. End of note." Sources familiar with the matter claim that by the time...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources within the White House, Kamala Harris is once again losing another staff member as her top aide is leaving the administration after taking a new job. Sabrina Singh, Harris' current deputy press secretary and main speechwriter, has been poached by Sesame Street to write speeches for them instead. "I'm at a point in my career where I need to grow and be challenged and that's not going to happen here with Vice President Harris. I want to move into the big leagues and start writing for legends like Big Bird, and Bert and Ernie,"...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House held an emergency press conference after Biden's COVID diagnosis to assure the nation that whoever is actually running the country right now is still completely healthy."Yes, the President has COVID but the person running the country — Bob? I think Bob is in charge today — is in perfect health at the moment," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Don't worry everyone! Bob's got everything under control!"The press room erupted into a flurry of questions wanting to know who "Bob" was, but Jean-Pierre ignored them to flip through her notebook for several minutes...

U.S.—After making it to the 198th trimester, Roe V. Wade has been aborted. Conceived all the way back on January 22, 1973, Roe V. Wade has been struck down after a decision was passed down today by the Supreme Court. 6 out of the 9 Justices decided to terminate the longstanding federal law. According to Doctors who performed the procedure, "Roe V Wade did not feel a thing as it was ripped apart word by word, syllable from syllable as it was fed through the paper shredder." According to sources, the Justices claimed court autonomy gave them the right to...

Oh sure, you may think that when you have a cool $7 million in the bank, life is all wine and roses. But that's wrong. Rich people do have problems, and the latest high drama out of Laguna Beach (average household income around $216,000) proves it:Bond King Bill Gross has finally won the turf war against his neighbor over a million dollar art installation at the billionaire's California beachfront home.After a lengthy legal battle, the former PIMCO CEO and his wife, Amy Gross, have won approval from Laguna Beach lawmakers to keep their $1 million, 10-foot-tall cobalt glass sculpture installed...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A senile old man in Washington who has a deadly nuclear arsenal at his fingertips is calling for dangerous weapons to be taken out of the hands of the mentally unstable. "Listen, folks, this shouldn't be difficult," said the yammering old geriatric to a duck in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. "The mentally unstable shouldn't have guns! It's dangerous! Think of what could happen, Jack! They could fire it blindly through their front door because they heard a noise, or leave it right out in the open where a Taliban terrorist could pick it up, or accidentally kill innocent...

NEW YORK, NY—After the spectre of another pandemic was raised by shocking reports of a new monkeypox strain, Pfizer announced they coincidentally finished their monkeypox vaccine yesterday. "Wow, an unusually contagious variant of an old virus with unknown origins? Gee, that's strange!" said Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla. "Well as luck would have it, our ten-year project to create a monkeypox vaccine coincided perfectly with the first cases showing up, just in time for our Q2 earnings report - er, I mean, just in time to save the world!" According to sources within Pfizer, Dr. Anthony Fauci had awarded a Chinese...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Eyewitnesses reported Senator Elizabeth Warren donned a buffalo hat and led a group of bloodthirsty insurrectionists up the marble steps of the Supreme Court Building Wednesday morning. According to sources, they are outraged that the murder of babies as a constitutional right is under dispute. Sen Warren, literally shaking, tumbled up the building steps and wailed righteously at the main door of the marble palace as her minions violently assaulted it with poster board and clothes hangers. "The court has been compromised!" she yelled. "They are ruling in a way I disagree with!" "America has fallen! WE DEMAND BLOOD!...

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter's possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope. The Babylon Bee is doing video now. Is this a new trend? Quick, post it on Twitter. Oh, wait. .

Will Smith slapped Chris Rock in the face yesterday. Here is how 14 different news organizations covered this very important story.

INGLEWOOD, CA—President Joe Biden is planning to wipe out the National Debt with a genius double or nothing bet on the Cincinnati Bengals. Biden held a meeting with the Treasury Department to go over the plan. "My bookie, ole Jiffy Dan, was a little hesitant to accept a $30 Trillion bet but I says to him, 'Look, Jiffy Baby, if you hook me up I'll pardon you for all your illegal gambling," said Biden. He then explained how Jiffy Dan was a smart Black man from South Central who was surprisingly articulate before Dr. Jill Biden reminded him to act...

EARTH—As the villain Thanos continues his campaign of genocide across the galaxy, Earth's mightiest heroes, the Avengers, have decided to retaliate with one of their most feared weapons: a diplomatic boycott. "This time, we have to hit Thanos right where it hurts, by launching a mild attack on his political reputation," said Captain America as he put the finishing touches on a strongly worded letter to Thanos. "If he continues to murder and enslave people by the trillions, we may decide to escalate to a full boycott." "We applaud the Avengers for taking this brave stand," said an op-ed in...

“In fifteen years of marriage, I never won an argument,” said Harvey Stiles, referring to Sheila Watson, his lawyer/wife. “I thought ‘Well, that’s exactly what I want in a lawyer. So I hired her! “Besides, lawyers cost about four hundred dollars an hour. I’m just paying her the money she’s probably going to eventually get anyway.” Ben Finagle, a legal scholar, said that while this arrangement was unprecedented, it was actually brilliant. “There’s an old expression, ‘Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.’ Well, in a divorce, the ‘ex’ is the enemy, so what’s closer than hiring her to...

SANTA MONICA, CA—Activision surprised the gaming world with a new game trailer revealing the next game in the popular Call of Duty series. Set to be released any day now, Call of Duty: Rittenhouse lets you defend your home from a horde of bloodthirsty communists. “Developers have toiled this past year without sleep, food, or contact with loved ones, so we could launch this politically poignant and incredibly fulfilling game in time for the Holidays and the jury’s verdict of not guilty,” said Activision CEO, Roberto Activision. Some reviewers with advanced copies have expressed worry about how the game presents...