Free Republic

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—A hot new Silicon Valley startup allows you to send someone to loot stores in San Francisco and other Democrat-controlled cities with no laws against looting. You can loot from the comfort of your home with just a few simple steps on the app. "Want to loot a bunch of stuff from Walgreens, but don't want to turn off your Netflix show? Try LootDash!" said LootDash CEO Dirk Hendersen. "Our professional LootDashers are ready and waiting to go steal some stuff from whatever stores you want. Just remember to be generous with your tips!" LootDash offers a full...

A swarm of bees killed more than 60 penguins on a beach near Cape Town, South Africa, officials said Saturday. South Africa National Parks said in a Facebook post that 63 African penguins were found dead at Boulders Beach, noting the deaths “occurred suddenly some time between Thursday afternoon and Friday morning.” The penguins were transported to the Southern African Foundation for the Conservation of Coastal Birds (SANCCOB) to conduct post mortems, which found that all of the penguins had “multiple bee stings.” Officials also found numerous dead bees at the site of the incident. Officials will continue to monitor...

SHANKSVILLE, PA—In a stirring speech at the Flight 93 Memorial yesterday, some guy who started two wars called for more civility. "Yes, I may have started two foreign wars on false pretenses that wasted trillions of dollars and killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people," said the guy whose name we can't remember at the moment. "However, it's important to understand the real threats to our great nation are the people who took selfies in the Capitol building a few months ago. Those Trump supporters are children of the same foul spirit as Al Qaeda and they must be brought...

I don't even know what to say. That deer has seen some things, man. There's certainly some trauma in its past. Just a cold-blooded remorseless killer. Either that or the bunny was the deer's lifelong homie and she just wasn't letting fluffy go out like that. Or maybe the deer and hawk had a beef and the deer was just waiting for a moment like this to catch the hawk slippin? Either way, that hawk was not getting away with its life. The deer made sure of that. If you've seen anything crazier than this today, I don't even wanna...

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has fired three employees for not being vaccinated, and now the laid-off workers are wishing they had just exposed themselves on camera instead so they could have kept their jobs. The three laid-off employees drank away their sorrows at a local bar, expressing their regrets for not getting vaccinated when they could have just Toobined themselves on a Zoom call with coworkers and kept their jobs. "Man, if I'd only have pulled a Toobin on camera, I would have been fine!" lamented one of the laid-off journalists over a few beers. "I should have just, you know, watched...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A new, government-funded study has found that the solution to all the problems the government has created is more government, according to the government. According to the study, whenever the government messes everything up, just a little bit more government can fix the problem the government created (according to all the studies funded by the government). While most people would assume that you want less government when the government creates a problem, this study, funded by the government, debunks this assumption. "Incredibly, this study, funded by the government, has proven conclusively that all the problems the government has created...

U.S.—In a brilliant move, Governor Greg Abbott has tricked dozens of Democrat legislators into leaving Texas. This is leading other governors across the country to ask Texas for advice on how they can get Democrats to leave their states as well.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Top Democratic lawmakers expressed deep dismay after learning that Israel, having at last ousted the villainous Netanyahu, plans to replace him with another Jew."Another Jew? I mean, are you kidding me?" said Ilhan Omar. "That has to be like, eight Jews in a row now as prime minister. Israel really can't find one Hamas guy, or one ISIS guy out there that can do the job? And people want to try to tell us they haven't established an apartheid state. Ridiculous." Although still head of the most popular party in Israel, Prime Minister Netanyahu has become something of an...

The CDC recently released a guide showing you when to wear a mask for indoor and outdoor activities. It was a reckless, irresponsible thing to do since it depicted some outdoor activities in which it's ok for vaccinated people to not wear a mask. This is literally murder. We here at the Babylon Bee have created a much safer guide that will help you make the right decisions because, unlike the CDC, we actually care about people. Here you go!

PAWTUCKET, RI—Hasbro announced today an exciting new playset for kids and little innocent babies: "My First Knife Fight," to be released under its Playskool brand aimed at toddlers.The playset features real shivs kids can use to stab each other in an innocent street fight. Including a variety of knives, from makeshift shivs made out of toothbrushes and razor blades to switchblades and kitchen knives, the playset is designed to entertain kids of all ages."Raise your kids right with My First Knife Fight!" says the voiceover in a new commercial for the product. "As everyone knows, all sweet and innocent children...

During an interview Tuesday, Dr. Anthony Fauci called the Bill of Rights in our Constitution a "public health crisis." "This Bill of rights is a disaster for public health," Fauci said. "People can go where they like, say what they like, and gather to worship how they like. The Constitution doesn't even say anything about a virus. It's very dangerous, very anti-science. The pandemic was a good testing ground for us to figure out how to handle public health crises such as this contagious document. So now we know how to take down something deadly and viral like the Constitution."...

U.S.—Within minutes of the news of the death of Rush Limbaugh, Democrats, well known as the party of love, empathy, and progress, began to rejoice over the death of their political opponent.The party that is known for standing against hate in all its forms, the party that has chanted "Love Trumps Hate!" for the last four years, the party that calls the other side hateful bigots who will be on the wrong side of history for their opposition to love and tolerance, all cheered loudly and danced on Limbaugh's grave on social media for much of the day Wednesday."Listen, hate...

TAMPA, FL—Sarah Thomas, the first female referee to officiate in a Super Bowl, threw a flag on a play in the second quarter but refused to say what was wrong."Penalty, on the offense -- you know what, never mind. It's fine," she said after throwing a flag on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers."Wait -- what'd I do wrong?" asked Tom Brady indignantly."Nothing. I said it was fine," she said, folding her arms."It doesn't seem like it's fine. You threw a flag!" Brady responded.She shrugged and turned away. "No, it's totally fine. Go and play football with your friends. It's fine."Play proceeded...

138,000 Points Suddenly Awarded To Losing Team At Halftime February 7th, 2021TAMPA, FL—Though they had been trailing in the Super Bowl throughout most of the first quarter, the Kansas City Chiefs were suddenly awarded 138,000 points at halftime, sources confirmed Sunday evening."After closer examination, we discovered several more points scored by the Chiefs that we had missed initially," said one official. "Sometimes these things show up in the instant replay footage."After receiving the exciting news, the halftime show transitioned into a victory celebration for the winning team. "We hope this small irregularity doesn't undermine your faith in our officiating," said...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—It was a doubly sad day for the Supreme Court. While they were still mourning the loss of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, pink slips were handed out to Justices Stephen Breyer, Elena Kagan, and Sonia Sotomayor as they were told to pack up their things and leave. “I heard about court-packing,” Trump told the press. “I looked into it, and it ends up you can change the number of justices on the Supreme Court! Some people say it's bad, very bad. But I think it may be actually very good, really. We're trying to cut costs and get the...

There is a blight on this country, and it is right-wingers slandering progressives by claiming that we’re intolerant and unreasonable with this made-up thing they call “cancel culture.” Why would people express such enmity toward the American left, people who are all about compassion and caring for others? Obviously the only explanation is that the people spreading this “cancel culture” lie are horrible bigots who need to be cast out of society. There could be people right now -- working at a store, sitting in an office, maybe living in your own household -- who are a part of this...

The Bible tells us to work smarter, not harder. Or, better yet, don't work at all if you can help it. You can look it up. It's in the Proverbs somewhere. That's why we're announcing today that we will simply be republishing everything Joe Biden says word for word rather than spending a lot of time and effort writing satire. We at The Babylon Bee realized we were spending all this time trying to satirize Joe Biden when, frankly, he just can't be satirized. He's doing all the hard work for us with statements like "You ain't black!" and, of...

BURLINGTON, VT—Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the presidential race since his campaign goals have already been achieved. These goals consisted mostly of locking everyone up in gulags and destroying the economy. As the coronavirus panic has already accomplished the aims of his socialistic policies, Sanders realized the country didn't need his public service anymore. Unemployment has skyrocketed, grocery stores have empty shelves, and everyone is confined to their homes on penalty of arrest. This "idyllic paradise" is exactly what Sanders wanted in the first place, so he says he can leave the race satisfied that his vision has been...

U.S.—CNN's ratings have somehow tanked even worse than they previously had as Americans began to quarantine themselves and stopped taking commercial flights, emptying American airports and robbing the cable channel of its captive audience. While CNN is usually able to claim millions of captive viewers every day, their audience dropped to almost nothing overnight. With airports completely devoid of weary travelers with dead smartphones and nothing to look at but CNN, the core of the channel's audience has disappeared overnight. Screens at airports across the country continued to play CNN to empty airports, creating a spooky, dystopian atmosphere as hosts...

Samantha Bee got her start on the Jon Stewart show. She is a worthy heir, for she’s mastered his techniques of pretending that snarky, fact-free comments about conservatives constitute news or astute political analysis. On Wednesday, Bee spent almost seven minutes hurling insults at Dennis Prager, at Prager U, and at the people who have appeared in Prager U videos. It’s clear that the people behind the show are panicking about how effectively the Prager U videos counter the leftist narrative that’s mainlined into the American brain through academia, “news,” and entertainment media. In fact, progressives are right to panic....