Keyword: bee
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PARIS — Leonardo DaVinci's famous Mona Lisa has reportedly been retrofitted with laser eyes by security at the Louvre in response to attacks by activists attempting to vandalize the painting for attention. "Visitors have always remarked how Mona Lisa seems to be looking at them wherever they are standing," said Louvre head of security Dominique Javert while eating a baguette and smoking a cigarette in one of those long cigarette holder thingies. "Now, visitors should know that her piercing gaze comes equipped with a pair of 10-kilowatt laser blasters ready to vaporize anyone who would vandalize her." According to sources,...
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U.S. — In a shocking turn of events, the Epstein List was found hanging in a secure document storage facility this morning, according to local authorities. "This is such a tragedy for many of us who desperately wanted to know who was on that list," said former Presidential candidate and document security expert Hillary Clinton. "Now we'll sadly never know. My thoughts and prayers are with the family of this 'Epstein List,' may it rest in peace." Authorities confirmed the list was found hanging by a rope tied to an overhead beam, and that it had killed itself completely of...
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hello I'm Roland Gruff and welcome to 0:04 cult classics today we'll examine a film 0:07 that's been the subject of much 0:10 speculation President Biden has 0:12 repeatedly referenced an old John Wayne 0:15 western that supposedly contains the 0:18 line you are a line dog-faced pony 0:21 soldier John L points to the union says 0:25 he's a lion dogf pony soldier though 0:28 Biden claims this movie exist this no 0:30 one else has been able to identify it 0:33 they thought Biden was just old or 0:36 confused or scile or suffering from 0:40 Dementia or...
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SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Christmas just around the corner, Mayor London Breed of San Francisco encouraged residents to get their shoplifting done early this year. "Hard to believe the looting season is already upon us!" said Mayor Breed. "We are encouraging all residents to begin shoplifting for Christmas before everything, including the stores themselves, are shuttered and gone!" Though typically last-minute shoplifters, local couple Jared and Stacey Adams said they would be committing grand larceny much earlier this year. "I waited until Christmas Eve last year and every store in the city had been cleared out and turned into...
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In a blow to the transparency of information and what could have been a treasure trove of evidence against a global sex trafficking ring, the Pentagon has announced the lost F-35 fighter jet was apparently carrying the only known copy of Jeffrey Epstein's client list.
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DETROIT, MI — With UAW workers officially on strike to demand a 4-day, 32-hour work week, leadership with the Big Three automakers are reportedly struggling with whether to replace the union workers with robots or Mexicans. "We really could go either way on this," said Ford CEO Jim Farley while lighting up a Cuban cigar with a stack of $100 dollar bills. "On one hand, robots work perfectly and tirelessly without complaining around the clock. On the other hand, President Biden is welcoming thousands and thousands of Mexicans across the border every day who will happily do these jobs for...
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A new study reveals how we could design robots to think like bees. Honey bees excel in weighing effort against reward and risk, quickly determining which flowers can provide sustenance for their colony. A study recently published in the journal eLife illustrates how eons of evolution have fine-tuned honey bees to make swift judgments while minimizing danger. This research sheds light on the workings of insect minds, the evolution of human cognition, and offers insights for improved robot design. The paper presents a model of decision-making in bees and outlines the paths in their brains that enable fast decision-making. The...
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In 2022, the Royal Australian Mint issued a $2 coin decorated with honeybees. Around 2,400 years earlier, a mint in the kingdom of Macedon had the same idea, creating a silver obol coin with a bee stamped on one side.Over the centuries between these two events, currency demonstrating a symbolic link between honey and money is surprisingly common.In a recent study in Australian Coin Review, I trace the bee through numismatic history—and suggest a scientific reason why our brains might naturally draw a connection between the melliferous insects and the abstract idea of value...Ancient Malta was famous for its honey....
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an extremely awkward moment, six Supreme Court justices ruled that affirmative action is unconstitutional, completely forgetting that affirmative action hire Ketanji Brown Jackon was sitting right there next to them. "Welp, this is kind of an uncomfortable situation," said Chief Justice John Roberts after turning in his majority opinion. "No hard feelings, ok, Ketanji? We're still invited to the cookout at your place this weekend, right?"Roberts then slunk away with an embarrassed look on his face."Today is a sad day for anyone who was hired strictly based on their race, gender, and sexual orientation rather...
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Satan speaks to kids at public library.
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Quick video of how liberals help the poor
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NASHVILLE, TN — Early reports from Nashville's CMT awards are confirming that against all odds, country music has managed to somehow get even worse."We're as shocked as you are," said local music critic Bubba Bordeaux. "We really didn't think it could get any more awful than this, but once again, Nashville managed to shatter our expectations with how audaciously bad their music can be! How do they do it year after year? Amazing!"Experts say that after over a decade of looping snap tracks, breathy pop, and Taylor Swift, most believed that the genre had finally discovered its bottom, only to...
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ORLANDO, FL — Amid an escalating feud with Ron DeSantis, Disney dealt a devastating blow to the Governor by changing the requirements on all their attractions so that only people over 6 feet tall may enter. "Come on, guys! I'm almost 6 feet! I'm, like, 5'10" at least! Look at my driver's license!" DeSantis reportedly argued to a park cast member while attempting to board "It's a Small World." But witnesses claim they saw the employee tap a nearby sign to demonstrate that DeSantis was, in actuality, nowhere near tall enough. "Don't make me call park security — I...
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WASHINGTON, DC — An envoy of extraterrestrial beings stifled their frustration and asked to be taken to a different leader after their initial meeting with President Joe Biden left them confused and exasperated, sources say. "I guess he's not the leader they were expecting," said an insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "It was the classic sci-fi movie scenario, with the aliens arriving and telling us, ‘Take us to your leader.' We quickly set up a meeting with President Biden, and things went downhill from there." "The aliens were already asking why we kept shooting down their peace...
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WASHINGTON, DC — After multiple caches of highly classified government documents were found in different locations belonging to President Joe Biden, the United States Department of Justice acted swiftly to indict former President Donald Trump for the alleged crime. "This is a serious violation of federal regulations," Attorney General Merrick Garland said in a press briefing announcing the indictment. "We will take all measures available to the Justice Department to hold Donald Trump accountable for President Biden being found in possession of these documents." "No one is above the law." Sensitive documents related to Ukraine, Iran, and the UK were...
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When socialism arrives, you're going to want to be ready to "look at the glass as half-full" – even if the glass is empty or even if there is no glass! Here are 10 new perspectives you can adopt in the glorious socialist utopia that will help you make the best of things! 1. You can finally meet your weight loss goal: If current trends hold, you'll be down to a slim, girlish 75 pounds by end-of-year! 2. Your wife will be limited to only a couple of decorative pillows: Save the leather couch cushions to boil into this year's...
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Mitt Romney reassured supporters today that he would be remaining a faithful member of the Democratic Party. "The Democratic Party can continue to count on me through thick and thin," said Mr. Romney in a statement. "While Senator Sinema and I have both occasionally voted with Congressional Republicans, I want voters to rest assured that I will never go turncoat like her. I'm staying put." After Sinema's exit left Senate control in the balance, Democrats rushed to reaffirm Mr. Romney's allegiance. "I knew he would stay true to his progressive roots," said Majority Leader Chuck Schumer....
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BEIJING — This week, dozens of Chinese citizens died after the Chinese Communist Party welded their apartment doors shut and a fire broke out in the building, sparking protests. China has doubled down on its "Zero COVID" policy, however, and has tapped Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer to lead its COVID lockdown enforcement measures."Michigan's lockdowns were wonderfully effective in slowing the spread of COVID as well as freedom," said a Chinese Communist Party spokesman in a statement. "Our shared values with Whitmer, who we have affectionately dubbed the 'Ice Queen', make her the ideal candidate to lockdown our citizens under brutal...
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QATAR — Twenty-four members of the US Men's Soccer team were thrown off the top of the Lusail Stadium today after defying Qatar authorities and wearing LGBTQ+ jerseys on the field. Twenty-four players died in the incident."We told them no rainbows," said Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani, Commander-in-Chief of the Qatar Armed Forces. "We tried to warn them that anyone caught doing any gay stuff in defiance of Islamic law would be chucked off the top of the stadium. It's right there in the handbook. Why didn't they listen?"Sources say all 24 casualties died before hitting the pavement, as...
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Honeybees live for half as long as they did 50 years ago, a new study has found. Scientists at the University of Maryland kept bees in a controlled laboratory environment from the pupae up to the end of their life, and found they lived just 17.7 days on average. For comparison, honeybees had an average lifespan of 34.4 days in the 1970s. 'Standardised protocols for rearing honey bees in the lab weren't really formalised until the 2000s, so you would think that lifespans would be longer or unchanged, because we're getting better at this,' said PhD student and lead author...
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