***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

[Lucky9teen]

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73 Bad Puns In 5 Minutes

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I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

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So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

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What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence.
As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

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King of Puns - Milton Jones

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[Larry Lucido]

For some great plans, Google up Frank and Ernest cartoons.

[PROCON]

[left that other site]

Good Morning!

I know...LATE, as usual! :-)

[Scythian_Reborn]

[SkyDancer]

[onona]

[N. Theknow]

A Polish guy goes to the DMV to get a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

[onona]

[upchuck]

Somewhere in the top 316...

Missed the Silliness last week. Hope to make up for my absence.

Winners of the Look Alike contest:

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I was going to insert here the joke about Donald and Killary going to the bakery but you've prolly already heard it.

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My therapist said my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

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h/t Jack Hydrazine

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A riddle (answer below, but no peeking): Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
h/t Ray

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When The Wedding Reception Open Bar Opens...

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Speaking of Hillary...

h/t Alex

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Who says building a border wall won't work?

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.

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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call."
h/t aRay

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I know a man who had eight vasectomies because his wife kept getting pregnant.

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What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS? A crazy bitch who will find you.
h/t Spanky

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Here's one for Lucky. Use as you will:

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Answer to the riddle above (here's the question again for short term memory loss FReepers: Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?) Answer: It was the pot calling the cattle back.
h/t it

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Cross out Cruz and write in Comey.

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Dear Alcohol,
We had a deal that you would
make me more handsome, funnier
and a better dancer.

I've seen the video. We need to talk.

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Do your part: We need to ban pre-shredded cheese to make America grate again!
h/t wnm

[PROCON]

[Larry Lucido]

A large pickup truck delivering dumplings to the Chinese restaurant was being driven recklessly, and the driver was doing donuts and knocking over mailboxes. I tried to climb aboard and stop him, but a cop stopped me and asked what I thought I was doing.

I told him “I want on the wanton wonton one-ton!”

[onona]

[PROCON]

[SkyDancer]

Took a girl to show them how to do it first. LOL :) And Good Morning to you too!

[onona]

[Larry Lucido]

Are people in Telemark, Norway, telemarketers?

[onona]

[Larry Lucido]

Some recent sports articles have attempted to rehabilitate the image of Detroit Tigers great Ty Cobb. It may be true that he wasn’t as mean as they say, but it is true that he was a very messy eater.

I bought an autographed necktie on e-Bay that Cobb had worn at an Asian restaurant where he had a few drinks. It was still knotted when I got it.

And you know what?

There was Mai Tai and Pad Thai on my tied Ty tie!

[Lucky9teen]

"Waiter... there's a hare in my pancakes!"

[xp38]