A Resigned Priest On His Deathbed

Homiletic & Pastoral Review ^ | May, 2002 | Frederick Heuser

[Lady In Blue]

I think of all the parishes closing because of
a lack of priests and I have been
part of the cause, part of the problem.

A resigned priest on his deathbed

By Frederick Heuser

The doctor has just left my hospital room. I saw the sadness in his eyes as he tells me the bad news. The cancer had spread through most of my body and further treatment would be useless. He said he would put my wife in contact with the hospice program to make the time I had left as comfortable as possible. “As comfortable as possible”—that phrase seems to summarize what my goal in life had been the last 35 years. But it was not always so.

As a boy I was enthralled with the lives of missionaries like St. Francis Xavier who brought the Faith to India, of St. Isaac Jogues who labored among the Indians of New York or Junipero Serra who left a comfortable home in Spain in his 50s to bring Christ to California. I pictured myself being tortured and even martyred for Christ and in my youthful enthusiasm I longed to say with the dying St. Stephen, “Lord, do not lay this sin upon them.”

I devoured books on heroic saints like the youthful Tarcisius who died bringing Holy Communion to imprisoned Christians during the Roman persecutions. And I felt God was calling me to be a priest. When I shared these aspirations with the Sister who taught me seventh grade and the young assistant pastor who had been ordained just two years they encouraged me to enter the seminary. I did just that with the blessing of my parents, two brothers and three sisters. At age 14 I enrolled as a freshman in the diocesan seminary.

My high school days were carefree and fun. I didn’t understand how algebra and geometry would make me a better priest but studying Latin made sense because the Mass and the Sacraments were said in that language and I knew our philosophy and theology classes later on would be in that ancient tongue also. Seminary rules kept us from most sexual temptations since we were forbidden to go out with girls. As a preparation for a life of celibate chastity these rules made good sense to me.

Graduation from high school meant the beginning of a study of liberal arts in college. At that time the seminary was divided into two sections, a minor seminary consisting of four years of high school and the first two years of college and a major seminary which taught two years of philosophy and four years of theology. The years went by quickly and the camaraderie of fellow students helped us develop lifelong friendships. Along the way some students dropped out and a few were asked to leave. At the end of my first year of theology the bishop tonsured us, a hair cutting ceremony that indicated we were no longer laymen but had become clerics. The four minor orders followed shortly: porter, lector, exorcist and acolyte. A year before priestly ordination we were ordained subdeacons which gave us the obligation of praying the Divine Office each day and embracing lifelong celibate chastity. We also had to pledge abstinence from alcohol for five years. We had been well prepared for these obligations and they were willingly embraced. Six months later we were ordained deacons and could wear the clerical collar with our black suits. How proud were my parents to see me so dressed for the first time. Finally in May of 1960, the big day arrived. We were bused to the Cathedral where in the presence of our families and friends the Archbishop laid his hands on our heads and ordained us priests forever. We then concelebrated our first Mass with him. My childhood dreams had been fulfilled. The faces of my parents, brothers and sisters beamed with pride as they knelt for my first priestly blessing. My mother hugged me long and tenderly and whispered “Now, like Mary, I too have a son who is a priest.”

My First Solemn Mass was a beautiful ceremony. The parish choir had practiced for weeks and never sounded better. The pastor assisted me at Mass with two of my classmates serving as deacon and subdeacon while four of my nephews were the altar servers. The banquet that followed in the church hall with congratulatory speeches was the culmination of a glorious day.

A week later I received a letter from the Archbishop appointing me as second assistant to the pastor of St. Meinrad’s Parish. I thoroughly enjoyed the company of the other two priests, teaching religion in the parish school, offering Mass, hearing confessions and having many convert instructions. It was a very happy life. Then an event took place in Rome that startled the whole Church. Pope John XXIII convened the first Ecumenical Council to be held since Vatican I in 1870. Logically it was called Vatican II.

The papers were filled with the many changes the Church would experience. Over the years the Mass was changed and was now said in English facing the people. Lay people were brought into the sanctuary to do the readings, lead the music and distribute Holy Communion. Communion was given in people’s hands while they were standing. It seemed the priest was not so special anymore. Friday abstinence was dropped; the Communion fast shortened to one hour and fasting during Lent, Ember Days and certain vigils was eliminated. Mixed marriages, with permission, could be witnessed by a Protestant minister in his church. Theologians were telling us that the Church would change its ban on artificial birth control. It seemed that everything was changing: up was down, down was up and what was wrong now seemed to be right.

We were encouraged to attend workshops to update our theology, to read the new ideas put forth by theologians like Hans Küng, Karl Rahner, Charles Curran and Richard McBrien. Even the meaning of the Bible was questioned by scholars like Raymond Brown and John McKenzie. Nuns began dressing in lay clothes and priests would wear shirts and ties to better identify with the laity. As women were given new roles in the parish we priests were encouraged to work closely with them. All the caveats we had been taught about relationships with women now seemed very old fashioned.

Sister Mary Agnes was appointed head of the liturgy committee of our Parish Council. She was young, attractive and fun to work with. She had decided to discard her religious habit and wear modest lay clothing. As we worked together the titles “Sister” and “Father” seemed artificial and it was soon Agnes and Frank. Friendship blossomed into affection and affection into love. I had never felt this way about a person before. I should have recognized the danger signs but was blinded by love. Holding hands led to kisses and intimacies that violated our vows of chastity. We were both honest enough to realize we had to choose: to separate or to leave our religious vocations and marry. In the end human love prevailed over our vows. The hardest part next to announcing to the congregation that I was leaving the priesthood was telling my parents. I’ll never forget the tears in my mother’s eyes when I told her about Agnes and me. My father seemed to age about ten years. We sought dispensation from our vows and while awaiting them married in a civil ceremony. Once the break was made and our marriage was blessed my family gradually accepted Agnes.

Though we never had children we had a happy life together and I was able to get a position teaching at a local junior college. Occasionally old friends would call or drop by but after a few years those contacts stopped and we had a new circle of friends. I retired at 65 with a nice pension and life seemed very comfortable indeed. Then the back pains began and they were diagnosed as being caused by malignant tumors. Despite radiation and chemotherapy they continued to grow and spread until the doctor had to tell me that there was nothing more he could do.

I now have about three weeks before I must stand before my Creator. I am haunted by memories now. I hear the words of Jesus “He who put his hand to the plow and looks back is not worthy of Me.” “He who loves father or mother, wife or children more than Me is not worthy of Me.” “Thou art a priest forever according to the order of Melchisidech.” “You have not chosen Me, I have chosen you.” “The harvest is great but the harvesters are few.”

I think of the scandal I have caused by abandoning my vocation and wonder if some divorced and remarried couples had said, “If Father Frank can leave his vows and marry why can’t we?” I am tormented when I think of all the Masses I should have offered but didn’t, of all the confessions unheard because of me, of all the sick not anointed, all the children not instructed, all the converts not taught. I think of all the parishes closing because of a lack of priests and I have been part of the cause, part of the problem. I tremble as I think of my judgment.

The priest who gave me the last rites of the Church has assured me of God’s forgiveness; but what of the people I was ordained to serve and abandoned? Can they forgive me? I know how Judas must have felt yet I have not despaired. Jesus forgave Peter who denied him three times. I know he can forgive me but will he? Will I hear him say “Receive the kingdom prepared for you from the beginning?” or “Depart from me you cursed into everlasting fire?” May God have mercy on my soul; may the tears of my sweet mother touch the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Please Jesus, say again to your heavenly father, “Father forgive him he knew not what he did.”

Reverend Frederick Heuser is the pastor of St. James Parish in Kenosha, Wis. He has a B.A. in philosophy and an M.Div. from St. Francis Seminary in Milwaukee and an M.A. in speech from Marquette University. After ordination, he taught in a high school, and then became the Associate Director of the Catholic Family Life Program of Milwaukee before assuming his present position. His last article in HPR appeared in December 2000.

Back to Homiletic & Pastoral Review Table of Contents May 2002

Back to Catholic Information Center Main Periodical Page

 

[livius]

I can sympathize with you. I was a little older, but not much, when the changes went into effect, and I am still stunned at how rapidly everything happened and how many things simply collapsed overnight because their structure was taken away.

I think a lot of people collapsed, too, and I suspect that priests were especially hard hit. I remember living in a parish in San Francisco where one year we had three decent priests in the parish, and the next year we had one alcoholic pastor who never left his room, one probably gay young assistant who used to smoke dope in front of the church with the local teenagers, and a slightly older assistant who was carrying on a very public affair with a woman he had met when he was saying her husband's funeral mass. The three decent priests had morphed into something nearly unrecognizeable.

I think the changes in the Mass were responsible for it all. Not the changes in the form alone, but the changes in its significance, whether this was made explicit or not. Suddenly, the priest was not a priest, offering sacrifice; he was simply the guy chairing the meeting. I think it really must have been like having one's entire world swept away, not by persecution and outside forces, but seemingly by the very Church that built that world. The only thing that amazes me is that any faithful priests managed to survive.

[Domestic Church]

"Unless you lived through this experience, it is impossible to understand. It was too much, and too sudden ... perhaps smaller changes, gradually phased in might have worked better."

Been there too, NYer, made my First Communion at St. Al's in Great Neck during the last days of the Latin Mass and then watched from a child's eye all that you mentioned occur and the scandel of a Priest leaving for marriage with one of my teachers(RSM.) Very strange days indeed. Being a child during this left a different kind of emotional wound as the local Mother Church became dysfunctional in some regards.

[Domestic Church]

"Study the counter-culture and the social processes and transformations of American culture during the 1960s and you find a lot of things which changed the Church above and beyond the documents of the council."

You can see the Gramscian roots back in the 1930's in the major colleges and universities.

[NYer]

Suddenly, the priest was not a priest, offering sacrifice; he was simply the guy chairing the meeting.

That's a good analogy. The mystique was gone; in fact, as someone posted last week, it was replaced by a team of lay people. Vatican II cannot be undone; Vatican III must be held at bay for now.

We still recall the glory of the church at that time. Once our generation passes away, who will take up the gauntlet?

Tonight, our parish priests will "christen" the newly expanded parking lot with ... kickball! They want to commune with the parishioners. Back in my childhood, the growth of a community would have been celebrated with Mass and Benediction, followed by a Eucharistic Procession.

I never thought I would ever pine for the return of those days. Despite no air conditioning in the church, incense wafting skyward, bells ringing, and stomachs grumbling, large crowds always turned out for mass.

[Claud]

Wow. Powerful.

My heart aches for the priests who for half the Mass sit behind the altar with nothing to do. Two weeks ago, a priest on Long Island even sat down for the distribution of Communion, leaving the whole thing (illicitly, I might add) to the "extraordinary" ministers.

Its like these single women nowadays getting sperm donations--who don't want love, intimacy, committment, who just want the seed implanted and to handle the rest themselves.

Men are so devalued in our society. In an era where fathers are regarded almost as a necessary vice, is it any wonder that Fathers are suffering the same problem?

Give the priests back their Mass. That is their JOB, that is their VOCATION, and if you take that away from them, you have emasculated them beyond belief. Not that that wasn't the plan all along.

[NYer]

St. Al's in Great Neck

Small world, I lived in Douglaston for a while but don't recall the name of the church on Route 25A.

Prior to that, I attended Sacred Heart Academy in Hempstead. We lived in Oceanside then. Two of my former classmates "took the challenge" of post Vatican II and joined the Sisters of St. Joseph in Brentwood. One of them is now principal of our former alma mater!

[NYer]

Men are so devalued in our society.

That needs repeating ... from a woman! It began in the sixties and it simply hasn't stopped. Worse still, is the attitude in school towards boys. The schools are packed with ADHD and ADD labeled children. Since they can't sit "quietly" in the classroom, they are referred to the school psychologist for evaluation. Once diagnosed, the boys are placed on a drug called Ritalin. Ritalin decreases blood flow to the brain, and routinely causes other gross malfunctions in the developing brain of the child. If you check the numbers, you will discover that the majority of these children are boys. It's no longer okay for a boy to be "a boy". Boys must sit down in the class and not act up. Recess? A thing of the past.

And boys grow up to become men, who "are so devalued in our society". This cycle of events has happened before in history. If you have never seen the PBS series, "I, Claudius", go rent it. You will watch the evolution, right before your eyes. It has happened in Egypt (look at Cleopatra) and Greece (don't forget Helen of Troy). Now, where are those societies today? That is the fate that awaits this country if we continue to demean and devalue our men.

[ThomasMore]

Back in my childhood, the growth of a community would have been celebrated with Mass and Benediction, followed by a Eucharistic Procession.

That's when priests didn't mind vesting in public. They were already halfway there because they wore their cassocks and birettas in public.

[HowlinglyMind-BendingAbsurdity]

the Gramscian roots back in the 1930's in the major colleges and universities. 23 posted on 7/8/02 10:45 AM Pacific by Domestic Church

True. Let's not forget 19th-century materialism, the Enlightenment, etc. Long, gradual, incremental erosion of values.

[ELS]

Once our generation passes away, who will take up the gauntlet?

Oh, please, let's not get melodramatic. OK? Many of the proponents of the Tridentine Latin Mass (including myself) never experienced it as a child. As Raymond Arroyo said, "How can we be nostalgic when we never experienced it to begin with?" Don't forget, too, that many of the dissenting agitators of the 60's and 70's are dying off and aren't being replaced.

Given that the orthodox, traditional seminaries are creating many more priests than the heterodox, dissenting seminaries, the balance will shift and Holy Mother Church will begin to recover. As a priest friend of a FReeper said, "The Lord loves His Church a lot more than you or I, and whatever He permits will be for our good. We must fight the good fight, but we must not argue with the Lord about what He permits and why."

[livius]

... many of the dissenting agitators of the 60's and 70's are dying off and aren't being replaced.

That's true; most of the meetings of dissident organizations seem to feature snow white hair, and I doubt that they have many members under 50.

Still, don't write off our experience. There was a really great moment in the Church when you actually could trust the clergy, when people really considered their lives in the light of eternity, when people took vows seriously, and when there was, oddly enough, a really great sense of Catholic cohesion. When you were at a dinner on a Friday and saw someone choosing the fish instead of the steak, silly as it sounds, you suddenly knew you had somebody who was on the same wavelength and would understand things the way you did.

I think that's going to have to be rebuilt virtually from scratch in many places. It's not going to be the same (and it shouldn't be) because times change and there are different needs and conditions. But those of us who were Catholics before Vatican II lived through something very special.

I think it fell apart for two reasons: one was the presence of modernists, who had been quietly digging away at the foundations for decades; and the other was, paradoxically, that we were too obedient, too trusting. We laypeople should have stood up on our hind legs and refused to go along with many of the things that happened, but we didn't feel we it was our place to complain or resist.

I think that's changed. And I think the resolute attitude of young traditionalists is evidence of this.

[NYer]

There was a really great moment in the Church when you actually could trust the clergy, when people really considered their lives in the light of eternity, when people took vows seriously, and when there was, oddly enough, a really great sense of Catholic cohesion.

Thanks! You phrased that so well.

[ELS]

Still, don't write off our experience.

I wasn't writing off your experience. I am still amazed that Archbishop Sheen had a prime time TV show let alone that it won an Emmy Award (and Protestants and Jews watched, too)! I was reacting to NYer's comment that when his/her generation is gone there will not be anyone "to pick up the gauntlet."

[NYer]

Bump! This would be the follow up scenario that resulted from Vatican II. (Let me know if you want on or off my ping list.)

[Domestic Church]

LOL, it is a small world...OLMA (Syosset) alumni here.

[Salvation]

Thank you for the list of prayers that the priest says while vesting.

[Dajjal]

Great testimony! Ping away! Thanks!

[Domestic Church]

"Yes, but do you believe this was coincidental or intentional?"

Is anything truly coincidence?

[Domestic Church]

"Having researched the origin of Vatican II, Pope John XXIII would have us believe that "it was completely unexpected, like a flash of heavenly light". Whereas, Paul VI observed the "smoke of satan" had entered the vestibule."

And wouldn't you expect that opposites would attract? That the flash of heavenly light would draw the smoke is underestandable but the Divine Grace will dance all the more for it.