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Allah Declares Virgin Shortage; Announces Recruiting Drive
Holy Books | September 12, 2003 | nwrep

Posted on 09/12/2003 7:33:21 PM PDT by nwrep

OLD WALLED CITY: Speaking to reporters at a press conference called during his trip to the Middle East, Allah today said that there is an acute shortage of virgins in paradise.

"The stock of virgins, carefully cultivated since the middle ages, is now facing a rapid decline. This has presented us with our most serious situation in a millenium", he said, in response to a question. The extraordinary popularity of suicide terrorism, beginning in the 1970s, was to blame, he suggested.

"Martyrs can no longer assume they will get all 72 virgins promised unto them in the scriptures, and will have to wait, sometimes for long periods of time, to get the divinely promised quota", he warned.


NEW RECRUITMENT STRATEGY

However, to remedy the situation, Allah also announced greater emphasis in recruitment drives for virgins, as well as a new strategy which takes advantage of resources that had traditionally not been tapped.

"We are ready to dip into the vast pool of virgins available in the western world", he said, while handing out photographs shown below as examples.



TOPICS: Miscellaneous; News/Current Events; War on Terror
KEYWORDS: bombers; culturewar; humor; islamofacism; suicide
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To: joe032783
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, all that is well and good.
But don't you really, really, really want me and my family dead?
And if you did, wouldn't you really, really, really deny it?
Ah-ha! Just as I thought!
Religion of peace, indeed!
41 posted on 10/07/2003 1:35:42 PM PDT by Hanging Chad (Who knows what the nose knows? - Speak , Beak !)
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To: joe032783
"that's islam in a nutshell. if you want to make stuff up i can't stop you, but atleast i can explain my religion as correctly as i can "

Forgive us for making fun of the extremists who use your religion. I realize that if you believe Islam to be a peaceful religion that must be distressful to you.

From the Christian viewpoint though, it doesn't matter whether Islam is peaceful or barbaric. When God judges man, He doesn't judge him based on whether he was better than average or a relatively good man. He judges man by His own standard, which is perfect Holiness. Thus all men stand condemned which is a concept repeated in both the Old and New Testaments.

There are two ways to heaven and the first one doesn't count. The first one is never sin, be holy. Nobody does that. So it doesn't count. The good that you do is only what you should have done anyway. Thus, there is no way to make up for your sin. There is no way to earn salvation.

The second way to heaven is to be forgiven. The only way to be forgiven is to accept the substitutionary sacrifice that God made on our behalfs which is Jesus. Jesus is God incarnate, the son of God, the child prophesized by Isaiah in Isa 9:6 and Isa 53.

Isa 9:6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. 7 Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever.

Isa53:11 He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied: by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities. 12 Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he hath poured out his soul unto death: and he was numbered with the transgressors; and he bare the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

Jewish scriptures pointing to Jesus

42 posted on 10/07/2003 1:45:52 PM PDT by DannyTN (Note left on my door by a pack of neighborhood dogs.)
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To: joe032783
"that's islam in a nutshell. if you want to make stuff up i can't stop you, but atleast i can explain my religion as correctly as i can "

Forgive us for making fun of the extremists who use your religion. I realize that if you believe Islam to be a peaceful religion that must be distressful to you.

From the Christian viewpoint though, it doesn't matter whether Islam is peaceful or barbaric. When God judges man, He doesn't judge him based on whether he was better than average or a relatively good man. He judges man by His own standard, which is perfect Holiness. Thus all men stand condemned which is a concept repeated in both the Old and New Testaments.

There are two ways to heaven and the first one doesn't count. The first one is never sin, be holy. Nobody does that. So it doesn't count. The good that you do is only what you should have done anyway. Thus, there is no way to make up for your sin. There is no way to earn salvation.

The second way to heaven is to be forgiven. The only way to be forgiven is to accept the substitutionary sacrifice that God made on our behalfs which is Jesus. Jesus is God incarnate, the son of God, the child prophesized by Isaiah in Isa 9:6 and Isa 53.

Isa 9:6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. 7 Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever.

Isa53:11 He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied: by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities. 12 Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he hath poured out his soul unto death: and he was numbered with the transgressors; and he bare the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

Jewish scriptures pointing to Jesus

43 posted on 10/07/2003 1:46:09 PM PDT by DannyTN (Note left on my door by a pack of neighborhood dogs.)
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To: joe032783
Go peddle your load of horsecrap somewhere else. We're wise to people.

Actual Quotes from the Koran: (Yusufali's translation of the Qur'an, the most widely trusted)

"Kill the disbelievers wherever we find them" (Koran 2:191)

"Ye are the best of peoples evolved for mankind." (Koran 3:110)

"The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and his messenger and strive after corruption in the land will be to be killed or crucified, or have their hands and feet and genitals cut off, or to be expelled out of the land. Such will be their humiliation in the world, and in the next world they will face an awful horror." (Koran, 5:33-34)

"Not to make friendship with Jews and Christians" (Koran 5:51)

"Remember Allah inspired the angels: I am with you. Give firmness to the believers. I will instill terror into the hearts of the unbelievers: you smite them above their necks and smite all their fingertips off of them." (Koran, 8:12)

"In order that Allah may separate the pure from the impure, put all the impure ones [all non-Muslims] one on top of another in a heap and cast them into hell. They will have been the ones to have lost." (Koran, 8:37)

"If there are twenty amongst you, you will vanquish two hundred: if a hundred, you will vanquish a thousand of them [infidels]" (Koran 8:65).

Allah and his messenger announce that it is acceptable to go back on our promises (treaties) and obligations with Pagans and make war on them whenever we find ourselves strong enough to do so (Koran 9:3)

"Fight and slay the Pagans, seize them, beleaguer them, and lie in wait for them in every stratagem" (Koran 9:5)

Our God tells us to "fight the unbelievers" and "He will punish them by our hands, cover them with shame and help us (to victory) over them" (Koran 9:14).

"Until they pay the Jizya [a penalty tax for the non-Muslims living under Islamic rules] with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued" (Koran 9:29)

"Unless we go forth, (for Jihad) He will punish us with a grievous penalty, and put others in our place" (9:39).

"O Prophet! Make war against the unbelievers [all non-Muslims] and the hypocrites and be merciless against them. Their home is hell, an evil refuge indeed." (Koran, 9:73)

"Murder them and treat them harshly" (Koran 9:123)

"When you meet the unbelievers in jihad [holy war], chop off their heads. And when you have brought them low, bind your prisoners rigorously. Then set them free or take ransom from them until the war is ended." (Koran, 47:40)

"When we decide to destroy a population, we send a definite order to them who have the good things in life and yet sin. So that Allah's word is proven true against them, then we destroy them utterly." (Koran, 17:16-17)

"How many were the populations we utterly destroyed because of their sins, setting up in their place other peoples." (Koran, 21:11)

"strike off the heads of the disbelievers" (Koran 47:4)

"Seize ye him, and bind ye him, And burn ye him in the Blazing Fire. Further, make him march in a chain, whereof the length is seventy cubits! This was he that would not believe in Allah Most High. And would not encourage the feeding of the indigent! So no friend hath he here this Day. Nor hath he any food except the corruption from the washing of wounds, Which none do eat but those in sin." (Koran 69:30-37)

"You (i.e. Muslims) will fight wi the Jews till some of them will hide behind stones. The stones will (betray them) saying, 'O 'Abdullah (i.e. slave of Allah)! There is a Jew hiding behind me; so kill him.' " (Sahih Bukhari Volume 4, Book 52, Number 177)

The Prophet killed the men of the Jewish tribe Bani Quraiza (some 600 to 800 of them) and distributed their women, children and property among the Muslims All the other Jews of Medina were exiled. (Bukhari 5:59:362)

The Prophet had the date-palms of the Jewish tribe of Bani-Al- Nadir burnt and cut down. "It was with Allah's permission" (Koran 59:5)

The Prophet said to Sa'd, :The Bani Quraiza have agreed to accept your verdict" Sa'd said, "Kill all their men and take their women and children as slaves" The Prophet replied, "You have judged according to God's Judgment" (Bukhari 5:59:447)

"The Christians say: The Christ is the son of Allah; "Fight against such as those to whom the Scriptures were given [Jews and Christians]...until they pay tribute out of hand and are utterly subdued." (Surah 9:29)

These are the words of their mouths; they imitate the saying of those who disbelieved before; may Allah destroy them." (Sura 9:30)

"Unbelievers are those who say: 'God is one of three.' There is but one God. If they do not desist from so saying, those of them that disbelieve shall be sternly punished." (Surah 5:73)

Jesus died for your sins. Mohammed would kill you for yours.

44 posted on 10/07/2003 2:03:55 PM PDT by Centurion2000 (Virtue untested is innocence)
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To: Centurion2000; joe032783
And I call B$ on the author of your book for several reasons.

Pedophile : married a girl a SIX years of age and consummated it.

Murdering treacherous brigand: Picked a moon god (of 365 pagan dieties in Arabia) for his god. Signed 10 year treaty of peace with Medina and then promptly broke it when he invaded. Killed the men and enslaved the women and children.

People that follow your book to the letter and the spirit seem to have an excellent shot at killing lots of innocent people.

45 posted on 10/07/2003 2:07:28 PM PDT by Centurion2000 (Virtue untested is innocence)
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46 posted on 10/07/2003 2:10:23 PM PDT by ArrogantBustard
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To: nwrep
>Allah also announced greater emphasis in recruitment drives for virgins


47 posted on 10/07/2003 2:12:52 PM PDT by theFIRMbss
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48 posted on 10/07/2003 2:15:57 PM PDT by ArrogantBustard
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To: ArrogantBustard

49 posted on 10/07/2003 2:18:03 PM PDT by ArrogantBustard
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50 posted on 10/07/2003 2:20:37 PM PDT by ArrogantBustard
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51 posted on 10/07/2003 2:24:28 PM PDT by ArrogantBustard
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To: dennisw
Say, what does Allah remind you of?


52 posted on 10/07/2003 2:26:07 PM PDT by Alouette (Neocon Zionist Media Operative)
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To: joe032783
thanks for your input, very insightful!
What a way to find this site.. looking for a Grateful Dead album.. wow. more then you bargained for huh?
53 posted on 10/07/2003 2:31:48 PM PDT by tray-sea
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To: joe032783
Hate to tell you this, but the only way to Heaven is thru Jesus Christ, God's only son. No other way exists. To believe otherwise is one of the fallacies of Islam.

As for America's faults - like all Muslims, you are quick to point out them out while conveniently omitting the horrendous atrocities committed every day by Islamic states throughout the World that makes America's faults pale by comparison.

On September 11th, Islam declared war on America by murdering almost 3000 innocent civilians.

The deafening silence by the majority of American Muslims regarding 9/11 speaks volumes.

Instead of pissing and moaning about poor press for Muslims on FR, maybe you should be out trying to change Muslim attitudes instead.
54 posted on 10/07/2003 2:34:14 PM PDT by reagan_fanatic (Ain't Skeered...)
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To: Centurion2000
Thankyou for at least giving reasons for holding your viewpoint. You misqouted at least two verses. 5:33-34 in yusuf ali's translation should read

33. The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His Messenger, and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is: execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land: that is their disgrace in this world, and a heavy punishment is theirs in the Hereafter;

34. Except for those who repent before they fall into your power: in that case, know that Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.

I won't address every passage you quoted, but i can at least examine a few.

About these two verses, it says to fight those who fight the messenger, because they "strive with might and main for mischief through the land." You could use this verse to wage war against any group of people who "strive with might and main for mischief through the land." Why do you think we justify our war with al-qaida? I would say it's because they "strive with might and main for mischief through the land."

About the verse that says "Not to make friendship with Jews and Christians" (Koran 5:51). It needs to be understood what "friendship" means in this context. You claimed that Yusuf Ali's translation is "the most widely trusted," but it still must be understood that no translation is universally agreed upon. It also applies to a historical context. It may mean, "don't take jews and christians as protectors." This was revealed at a time when muslims were being attacked and persecuted simply for being muslims.

today, in america, we are free to chose our religion. in muhammad's time, things were different. some(not all christians) and some(not all) jews and some(not all) pagans were trying to kill all of the muslims. muslims were fighting for their lives, the lives of their families, and their property. they were fighting and killing to spread hate.

you quoted 2:191
"Kill the disbelievers wherever we find them" (Koran 2:191)
but, you left out the all too critical next verses

192. But if they cease, Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.

193. And fight them on until there is no more Tumult or oppression, and there prevail justice and faith in Allah. but if they cease, Let there be no hostility except to those who practise oppression.

once people stop trying to kill you because you are a muslim and people stop oppressing you, you have to stop fighting

55 posted on 10/07/2003 2:38:55 PM PDT by joe032783 (Views of a Muslim)
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To: tray-sea
you bet, i didn't think i'd be locked in hour long discussions
56 posted on 10/07/2003 2:41:12 PM PDT by joe032783 (Views of a Muslim)
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To: Centurion2000
Wow man! Thanks for the info. That is powerful and very negative stuff about the Quran. Have you studied Islam? Do we know for sure if they are supposed to take the Quran literally.

I am now learning that different Christians view the Bible differently e.g. Catholics do not take it literally but intepret the Bible based on the audience at the time of the particular book and what the story is trying to teach. while Baptists tend to take the Bible literally and every story told is to be thought to have happened as written. I know I am generalizing and NOT trying to tick anyone off but we as Christians do tend to have our own differences and yet we all believe Jesus died for our sins.
I am not claiming to "know" all this as I am still learning and on my journey of faith with Jesus.

I find it fascinating that you knew so much about Islam and I guess I crave to understand the truth. Whether Islam is about peace or evil or if it's truly just very confusing like our Christian Bible and different churches.

Thanks for reading this post. Any ideas on how I can learn more bout this topic (recommended reading?)
Thanks!
57 posted on 10/07/2003 2:42:18 PM PDT by tray-sea
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To: nwrep

58 posted on 10/07/2003 2:44:21 PM PDT by Liberal Classic (No better friend, no worse enemy.)
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To: Centurion2000
as far as the moon god claim goes, i already answered it

"Allah" means God
Christians and Jews who speak arabic call God, "Allah." It basically the same as the Christian and Jewish concept; the Powerful, Merciful, Loving being.

as for the six year old consummation, that's just not true. things were different in ancient arabia. marriages were often arranged. Aisha, one of the wives of Muhammad, was the daughter of a close friend of his. they were "married" when she was 6, but the marriage wasn't consummated until after she reached puberty, something that was acceptatle for his society.

as for his other wives, some were widows who needed support and protection. most of his wives proposed to him. anyway, the limit for everyone else is 4, the Qur'an even says that "one is better for you"
59 posted on 10/07/2003 2:50:14 PM PDT by joe032783 (Views of a Muslim)
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To: joe032783
well perhaps it is the will of God that you be in a discussion. too many people are afraid to really talk about our different religions and get all the issues out on the table.

i can't condemn an entire people because of their religion. however, i know that there is more to this then meets the eye. meaning good and evil pop up in areas you wouldn't expect and test good people.

i worry about the state of your religion because in a lot of ways it appears to be stuck. and there appears to be a lack of spiritual growth within your community (*realizing here i don't know and it's only what i think ).

i can't get into to a lengthy discussion at this moment -- but i am very interested in your view points as an american muslim. especially now that you've found free republic. it's a wonderful site.

there will be things posted that will hurt you and piss you off but it's an excellent forum for true discussion. also, freepers are awesome people in times of need. as always when your on a message board some people will be jerks so just take it with a grain of salt.

God Bless!
60 posted on 10/07/2003 2:52:07 PM PDT by tray-sea
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