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He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
Chicago Sun-Times ^ | June 15, 2003 | Mary Mitchell

Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo

He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it

June 15, 2003

BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST

Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.

On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.

Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.

"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."

Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.

"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.

Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.

"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."

Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.

"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."

Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.

"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."

In the abstinence world, a date is a date.

"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."

But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.

""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.

On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.

"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."

Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.

"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."

As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.

For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Front Page News; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: abstinence; aids; celibate; chastity; dating; libertines; loosemorals; morality; singles; std
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To: Mister Magoo; wardaddy; sit-rep
ROTFLMAO !!.......He's probably a pre-mature ejactulating butt ugly geek with a short one.....and he just hasn't met the right lady with no depth perception and a short attention span..........:o)

Stay Safe !

341 posted on 06/15/2003 9:20:54 PM PDT by Squantos (Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.)
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To: Mister Magoo
This is exactly what women ask for: A guy who thinks with his brain instead of his d**k.

How do they respond?

"He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it."

More proof that women say they want nice guys who won't take advantage of them, but regularly reject nice guys who won't take advantage of them.

This is the story of my dating life. Every girl I've met and considered a serious relationship with has pressured me to have sex within the first week.

And I resisted, but sometimes I am a weak man ...

Regardless, many women love being treated as objects, and this is proof. When you set sex aside and instead try to establish a personal relationship, they're out the door.

It has happened to me, time and time again.
342 posted on 06/15/2003 9:21:26 PM PDT by FLAMING DEATH
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To: TheAngryClam
It sure as hell goes away once you get married- might as well take advantage of one of the few times you can say "put out or get out."

It doesn't always disappear with marriage! And if it is the attitude formed above>>>Sianara! Adios! I am headed for the door. Will not "put out" before marriage.

343 posted on 06/15/2003 9:23:36 PM PDT by ~EagleNebula~
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To: DearAbby
Sure, whatever. I'm a red-blooded, Republican, American male who likes women. And I think single men who are voluntarily celibate are weird. So sue me.
344 posted on 06/15/2003 9:23:41 PM PDT by Mister Magoo
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To: hellinahandcart
I find some agreement with what you said. He's right about it being a very serious thing to do, but it almost seems as though he thinks it is a bad thing and that he doesn't ever want to have sex. This is not what waiting for marriage is about--when you are "waiting for marriage", you are obviously still looking forward to sex.
345 posted on 06/15/2003 9:25:44 PM PDT by Republican Wildcat (Help us elect Republicans in Kentucky! Click on my name for links to all the 2003 candidates!)
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To: Springfield45
The apostle Paul stayed celibate all his life. I wouldn't suppose he had anything "wrong" with him.

Many people have speculated on this topic.

346 posted on 06/15/2003 9:29:09 PM PDT by wideminded
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To: jlogajan
You're just FULL of happy thoughts, aren'tchya FRiend? 8op

There is something to be said for not breeding like animals, isn't there?
347 posted on 06/15/2003 9:29:28 PM PDT by Constantine XIII
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To: Mister Magoo
There's an old saying:

There are two kinds of sex. Free sex, and the sex you pay for. The free sex is always more expensive.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a red-blooded, beer swilling, pickup-truck driving American Male. I've also seen the consequences that have occurred as a result of thinking with the thing down there.

People who act based on their emotions are irrational and get themselves into all kinds of trouble, whether the emotion is "Hey, I think I'll steal this candy bar", or "Hey, I can pay off this credit card later" or "Hey, I think that chick is hot and I want to bounce her noggin off my headboard a few times."

Am I voluntarily celibate? Well, it depends. If by "voluntarily" you mean that I won't put the spurs to every floozie that comes down the pike, well, then yes I am.

I'd rather find a person with an IQ greater than that of the mold under the refrigerator and get to know her before moving to that kind of relationship. Problem is, I can't find one. In fact, I don't know if such a person exists. So, I guess that makes me voluntarily celibate. And, weird. But, I've been called worse.
348 posted on 06/15/2003 9:42:30 PM PDT by FLAMING DEATH
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To: FourPeas
Six months is just not that long.

Shoe-on-other-foot time.

Back in the good old days, when men knew that dating and sex were rarely the same thing, I used to date quite a lot.

But one thing I never did was to let a relationship drag on, once I knew that the guy was getting a little too serious and there wasn't a chance I'd ever "catch up" to where he was. I considered it taking advantage for selfish reasons-- sure, I'd have something to do on Saturday night if I strung him along, but what *he* should have been doing is seeking someone who could return his feelings.

And I don't care what anyone says, you know early on if you can or can't return the feelings. The spark is there or it isn't.

Not wanting to get married after six months is one thing, but not being sure if a relationship is headed somewhere or just spinning its wheels, after six months? I don't buy it.

Afterall, if she really loved him, shouldn't she be willing to wait?

Wait for what? For him to marry her, or to first decide what he wants?

Regardless of her feelings, she'd be a fool to "wait" very long for someone who doesn't love her. She'd be better off "waiting" for someone else.

349 posted on 06/15/2003 9:43:16 PM PDT by hellinahandcart
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To: sinkspur
I think your analysis is spot-on. I don't think those of us who believe in waiting until marriage should be defending this particular individual. There is just something not quite right about him.
350 posted on 06/15/2003 9:47:54 PM PDT by Republican Wildcat (Help us elect Republicans in Kentucky! Click on my name for links to all the 2003 candidates!)
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To: laredo44
For myself, fidelity wouldn't even rank in the top five requirements in my marriage.

So is marriage to you only signatures on a piece of paper?

351 posted on 06/15/2003 9:55:38 PM PDT by Republican Wildcat (Help us elect Republicans in Kentucky! Click on my name for links to all the 2003 candidates!)
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To: TheSpottedOwl
If you can't be honest enough to stay faithful in a serious relationship, not including marriage, you can't be trusted period.

I agree. All we truly have is our honor and our word. If I was in a committed relationship and found out that my S.O. was unfaithful, my trust would be just as destroyed as if I were married.

FWIW, I would wonder about a guy who was celibate for 10 years. I would think in that time he would have found what he was looking for. But, if I did decide to get involved, I would easily call for some sort of comment either way by 6 months. You might not know if a given person was someone you could marry, but you would know for sure it this person wasn't right. And I would be very upfront with him that if we anre't in a committed relationship leading to marriage, that I would date others if I decided to.

352 posted on 06/15/2003 10:07:23 PM PDT by technochick99 (Self defense is a basic human right. http://www.2ASisters.org julib@2asisters.org)
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To: Mister Magoo
Well, I guess not everyone considers self control to be a virtue.

As for myself, I plan on getting married, and having a family. I would like to not marry someone who has had about 100 other men's penises like yours in her vagina before me, and I would like to share myself with only one other person. My wedding night and honeymoon will actually have some meaning to it, as well as my marriage. If you consider that weird, then I guess that's what I am--and proud of it.

Sorry to get so graphic, but I think you really should take this a little bit more seriously than what you are and consider the consequences. I would not associate myself with the gentlemen in his article, who seems to, at least based on what was said, not want to have sex at all. Those of us who are waiting to have such a relationship with that one person certainly do want to have sex--just at the right time (believe me, we do--if you hung out at the fraternity house at my college you'd know this--some of the guys who are married come in and try to make us jealous). I don't think "celibate" is a correct term to use. We are going to be sexually active (very active, I would hope), but only with our mates for life--at the right time, and for the right reasons. Sex is not just for physical gratification--it is supposed to be an expression of true love, and a process which has the potential to create new life--obviously a very serious thing.

I did not mean to write a dissertation, and I hope I haven't turned you off, but for you to just simply dismiss us as "weird" prompted me to respond. I hope you will at least think about what I have had to say. Take care--RW.

353 posted on 06/15/2003 10:14:30 PM PDT by Republican Wildcat (Help us elect Republicans in Kentucky! Click on my name for links to all the 2003 candidates!)
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To: TruthNtegrity
Thanks for the ping, love -I think.

Where to begin on this one... Firstly, I must admit that Mr. Washington does indeed come across a quite the pompous ass, and his female friend was quite right in leaving after six months when he could not assure her of his intentions. If he was not intending to marry her, she was well within her rights to seek out someone who had such intentions in mind, instead of always sensing that the sands in her hourglass of prime childbearing years were being drained away for no worthwhile result.
For those of you who have read some of My previous postings, you may recall that I had some rather... intense experiences with an ex, but it was really quite a few years ago. What the majority of you do not know, is that some four and a half years after My ex and I went our separate ways, I found the most wonderful lady imaginable. However, due to the bad memories that My ex had left Me with, I actually only briefly spoke with her for about six months before we started going out with each other. I did not wish to get involved with anyone, and I had to battle continually not to see her any more than I did -although I was fighting My feelings at the time to see more and more of her. We discussed this together later on, and she confessed to Me that I did not immediately attempt to become involved, and instead worked on actually talking to her and getting to know her better made Me incredibly interesting to her. I could easily write several pages here in simply reminiscing over all our wonderful times, but that would merely take up bandwidth to no avail. Let Me sum it all up by saying instead... that sometimes God gifts us with a candle of a soul to walk beside us for a time, to hold the lonely darkness at bay by their bright presence, and too often we do not realize until too late the joy they made of our too-brief time on the same path.

She has been gone now from this world for over thirteen years, and I have loved no other since.

Am I celibate? In a manner of speaking. Is it by choice? At first, yes, but the last several years have left Me open to the possibility of another to be in My life. As far as sleeping with others; I am not interested. With the one I eventually choose to spend the rest of My life with, yes. A casual fling or a one-night-stand hold no interest for Me. I would much rather wait and give the totality of My love and affection for a true soul and good, that will unhesitatingly return the same to Me.
Don't get Me wrong; I love women. But I am unwilling to become intimate with someone who might not be there the next day despite the sharing of our souls. Better to invest My intents on someone of quality, that holds My interests of value in return. I know she is out there, somewhere. But if she does not arrive before My time on this plane is through... at least I have known that one pure love once. No one else can ever compare, but to find one that is at least close to what My love meant to Me is all I ask. But I do not think I would ever spend six months waiting and not give her any indication of My intents, or at least inform her that I needed more time to reflect upon things before I could give her an answer.

354 posted on 06/15/2003 10:15:33 PM PDT by Utilizer
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To: Mister Magoo
Yes, your scientific sample size of TWO is ample evidence.

I talked to two people today, both said they were voting for Bush. Bush therefore wins 100% of the vote. Stunning landslide.

355 posted on 06/15/2003 10:23:49 PM PDT by CounterCounterCulture
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To: strela
For the longest time, I simply refused to accept the possibility that some Freeper men were capable of being intimidated by intelligent, strong women.

Ummm... Excuse Me, love. Count Me as one who has no problem with an intelligent woman thank you very much.

356 posted on 06/15/2003 10:31:57 PM PDT by Utilizer
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To: Utilizer
Me too.

The only problem I have with intelligent women is FINDING them. I tend to attract helpless, pathetic idiots who want to take advantage of me.
357 posted on 06/15/2003 10:35:41 PM PDT by FLAMING DEATH
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To: hellinahandcart
funny!
358 posted on 06/15/2003 10:38:11 PM PDT by chasio649
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To: Mister Magoo
**he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.**

Bravo for this person for standing tall on his values. He will make a wonderful loyal and faithful husband.

Abstinence works!
359 posted on 06/15/2003 10:38:36 PM PDT by Salvation (†With God all things are possible.†)
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To: BenR2
or so he claimed ;)
360 posted on 06/15/2003 10:40:17 PM PDT by chasio649
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