USO Canteen FReeper Style ~ Military Jokes ~ February 24 2003

68-69TonkinGulfYatchClub and FRiends of the Canteen

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

The Politically Correct Battlefield

They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment.
We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.
We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information.
They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units.
We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers.
We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target.
We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.
We don't attack; we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory.
We don't retreat; we reconsolidate at a previously held position.
We don't waste money, we fail to effectively utilize funding.
We're not at war; we're sanctioning with extreme prejudice.

Mom's wisdom

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make:
He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter,
as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?"
"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.
When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question:
"Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

Wild Kid

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy
who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down,
the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform
of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides,
"I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Chopper crash

While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise
a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor.
The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom.
However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks,
this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

Pilots jokes

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog.
The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if there is an pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.

What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot....

What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into an aviator when it's drunk.

What do pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.

What is the difference between an pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when it pulls up to the gate.

The difference between the Boy Scouts and the U.S. Air Force?
The boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Seeking Protection

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada,
known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see
a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,
and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot
and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing,
complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison,
told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said,
"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[southerngrit]

Great jokes - thanks for sharing. Happy Monday to you.

[Mudboy Slim]

You see the Ace, Sergeant, it reminds that there is only one God.
The Two represents the two parts of the Bible,
Old and New Testaments. The Three represents the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Apostles: Mathew, Mark Luke, and John.
The Five is for the five virgins that were ten but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after working the six days.
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives, in which God saved the eight people from the flood that destroyed the earth for the first time.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan. One of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.
When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week, 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represents the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards, there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."
The sergeant just stood there and after a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"

---

Last one

[tomkow6]

Good morning, Tonk! Good morning, Canteen Crew! Good morning, EVERYBODY!

GOOD

MORNING

TROOPS!!

[tomkow6]

Chicagoland Weather
Current Conditions:
As reported at KORD, O'Hare Arpt..
Last update Sun 23 Feb 2003 10:55 AM CST.

Partly Cloudy
19°F Feels Like: 9°F
UV Index: 3 Low
Wind: From the N at 8 mph
Humidity: 47 %
Visibility: unlimited
Barometer: 29.99 inches and Rising

Today's Forecast Sun 23 Feb 2003 09:34 AM CST
Partly Cloudy
Low 13°F
High 24°F

[snippy_about_it]

Good Morning FRiend,

We have 4 more inches of new snow and ice this morning, so I am able to post at the canteen this morning. Any excuse to be late to work and I'll take it! All of the 14 inches hadn't even melted yet, this mornings all came down at once, in fact, it's still snowing.

Canteeners, yep, it's a new word, has to be because I use it all the time!

[southerngrit]

It's so great to have your insight. Thanks for all that you do.

[snippy_about_it]

Good morning sg.

WAKE UP!

Did that help?

[tomkow6]

Today's FEEBLE attempt at humor:

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City
and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him
immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer
here, you moron!"

The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to
the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and
begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are.
You came here for the food!"

[tomkow6]

You think these two are related?

[snippy_about_it]

Good Morning Tom.

[tomkow6]

Yo! SG! Maybe THIS will wake you up.........

[southerngrit]

Ouch!! Just don't turn the light on yet, please??? I've gotta take regaining consciousness in little doses, especially on Mondays.

Is this better?

[tomkow6]

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad, does
a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The father thought for a
moment. "Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to
win a case."

[snippy_about_it]

Ed Evans, MGySgt., USMC (Ret.) - Very moving. Thanks.

[Kathy in Alaska]

Click for current time
in Afghanistan

[Kathy in Alaska]

Duty ~ Honor ~ Country

Click above to visit "A Day in the Life of President Bush"

[Kathy in Alaska]

A PRAYER OF PROTECTION

The light of God surround you
The love of God enfold you
The power of God protect you
The presence of God watch over you
Wherever you are,God is,
And all is well.
Amen.

.

Bless This House

Bless this house O Lord we pray;
Make it safe by night and day;
Bless these walls so firm and stout,
Keeping want and trouble out:
Bless the roof and chimneys tall,
Let thy peace lie over all;
Bless this door, that it may prove
ever open to joy and love.


Bless these windows shining bright,
Letting in God's heav'nly light;
Bless the hearth a'blazing there,
with smoke ascending like a prayer;
Bless the folk who dwell within,
keep them pure and free from sin;
Bless us all that we may be
Fit O Lord to dwell with thee;
Bless us all that one day we
May dwell O Lord with thee.

.

(Click on praying hands above,
or on banner at the top to hear the music)

[firewalk]

Good morning everyone (-:

[tomkow6]

Morning, Kathy! How ya feeling today?

[Valin]

On This Day In History


Birthdates which occurred on February 24:
1304 Muhammad ibn Battutah Arab travel writer (Travels in Asia & Africa)
1463 Giovanni Pico della Mirandola Italy, scholar/platonist
1500 Emperor Charles V king of Spain (1516-56)/Holy Roman Emperor
1501 Sixt(us) Birck [Xystus Betulius] German writer (Suzanna)
1536 Clement VIII [Ippolito Aldofireini], Fano Italy, last Counter-Reformation pope (1592-1605)
1545 Don John of Austria the elder, Austrian general
1547 Jan of Austria Spanish military man/land guardian of the Netherlands
1557 Matthias C Sarbiewski [Sarbievius], Vienna, Polish Jesuit/poet/Holy Roman emperor (1612-19)
1619 Charles Le Brun Paris, painter, designer (The Chancellor Séguier)
1679 Domenico Natale Sarro Italian opera composer
1684 Catherine I Empress of Russia 1725-27, Dorpat, Estonia
1697 Bernard S Albinus [Weiss], German surgeon/anatomist
1704 Hubert Renotte composer
1717 Bernhard Hupfeld composer
1750 Miklós Révai Hungarian linguistic/poet
1766 Samuel Wesley Bristol England, composer/organist (Exultate Deo)
1771 Johann Baptist Cramer German/British pianist/composer/publisher
1786 Wilhelm Karl Grimm Hanau Germany, story teller (Grimm's Fairy Tales)
1797 Samuel Lover composer
1809 Albert Schäffle German sociologist (Abriss der Soziologie)
1809 Edwin H K Freiherr von Manteuffel governor/viceroy (Elzas-Lutherian)
1811 Daniel A Payne Bishop/reformer/educator of AME Church
1811 Edward Dickinson Baker Major General (Union volunteers), died in 1861
1824 John Crawford Vaughn Brigadier General (Confederate Army), died in 1875
1827 Charles Davis Jameson Brigadier General (Union volunteers), died in 1862
1831 Georg Leo earl von Caprivi German chancellor/premier of Prussia
1833 Eduard earl von Taaffe Austrian premier (1868-93)
1836 Winslow Homer US, painter (Gulfstream)
1838 Thomas Benton Smith Brigadier General (Confederate Army), died in 1923
1842 Arrigio Enrico Boito composer
1843 [Joaquim] Theófilo F Braga Portuguese poet/author/politician
1846 Luigi Denza composer
1848 C Grant B Allen Canadian writer (Woman Who Did)
1848 Johanna C P Barbiers actress (Voddenraper of Paris)
1852 George A Moore Ireland, painter/novelist (Esther Waters)
1854 Franz Courtens Flemish painter (Golden Rain)
1858 Arnold Dolmetsch Le Mans, musician
1860 Daniel Berkeley Updike printer/publisher/writer (Printing Types)
1866 Arthur Pearson Wookey Somerset England, newspaper proprietor
1872 John Jarvis England, swimmer (won 108 titles)
1874 Honus Wagner HOF shortstop (Pittsburgh Pirates, 1900-17)
1876 Jean Poveigh composer
1876 Victor Moore Hammonton NJ, comedian (Ziegfeld Follies, 7 Year Itch)
1877 Rudolf Ganz composer
1879 Herman Teirlinck Belgian writer (Sun)
1885 Admiral Chester Nimitz US Admiral (commanded Pacific fleet in WWII)
1885 Bert Lytell New York NY, actor (Henry-One Man's Family)
1885 Joseph Sprinzak Speaker of Israeli Knesset (1949-59)
1885 Juliusz Kaden-Bandrowski Polish novelist/satirist (Black Wings)
1887 Mary Ellen Chase US linguistic/author (White Gate)
1890 Antonio Massana composer
1890 Marjorie Main [Tomlinson], Action IN, actress (Another Thin Man)
1898 Kurt Tank German WWII aircraft designer
1899 Jacob Presser Dutch historian/writer (Down-fall)
19-- Dorothy Parke Toronto Canada, actress (Amanda-Hot Shots)
19-- James Sloyan Indianapolis IN, actor (Oh Madeline)
19-- Joan Diener Cleveland OH, actress (54th Street Revue)
19-- Melinda Naud New York NY, actress (Operation Petticoat)
1905 E Boyland biochemist
1905 Guillaume Landre composer
1906 Alexis Curvers Belgian author (Tempo di Roma, Bourg-le-Rond)
1909 August William Derleth Sauk City WI, writer (Judge Peck Mysteries)
1909 Jean Yves Morvan Marin broadcaster
1909 Max Black Dutch/British/US philosopher (analytical philosophy)
1909 Michael Francis Morris Lindsay orientalist
1910 Lord Hazlerigg
1911 Konrad Lechner composer
1912 Julius Kowalski composer
1913 Richard Murphey Goodwin economist
1914 Zachary Scott Austin TX, actor (Spotlight Playhouse, Mildred Pierce)
1914 David Langdon cartoonist/illustrator
1915 Charles Henry "Harry" Urwin trade unionist
1916 Gene Mitchell museum director
1917 William Fairbank Minneapolis MN, physicist (superconductivity)
1919 Alan Hugh Iliffe psychologist
1919 Earl Kitchener of Khartoum
1920 Frank Rogers CEO (NPA Telegraph)
1921 Abe Vigoda New York NY, actor (Barney Miller, Fish)
1921 Douglass Watson Jackson GA, actor (Satan Murders, Another World)
1921 Ingvar Lidholm composer
1921 Ludvig Aschkenazy writer
1922 Kanwar Rai Singh cricketer (batted at MCG in Test for India 1948)
1922 Richard Hamilton painter
1922 Steven Hill Seattle WA, actor (Goddess, Raw Deal, Yentl, Law & Order)
1924 Douglass Watson Jackson GA, actor (Another World)
1924 Lionel Dakers director (Royal School of Church Music)
1924 William Pillar British Admiral
1926 Reginald Freeson British MP
1927 David Mourao-Ferreira poet/politician
1928 Michael Harrington St Louis, socialist/author (Fragments of Century)
1928 Paul B Elvström Denmark, yachtsman (Olympics-gold-1948, 52, 56, 60)
1928 Al Lettieri New York NY, actor (Deadly Kiss, Pulp, Mr Majestyk, Getaway)
1929 Richard B Shull Evanston IL, actor (Diana, Holmes & Yo-Yo)
1929 David Houston Major-General/Lord Lieutenant of Sutherland
1930 Barbara Lawrence Carnegie OK, actress (Joe Dakota)
1931 Brian Close cricketer (played for England between 1949 & 1976)
1931 Inge Bernstein British judge
1931 Lev Vasilyevich Vorobyov Russia, cosmonaut
1931 Maezumi Hakuyu Taizan Koun teacher Rinzai/Soto lines of Zen Buddhism
1931 Marta Marzotto Italy, countess
1932 John Vernon Canada, actor (Animal House, Chained Heat, Dirty Harry)
1932 Andrew Jacobs Jr (Representative-D-IN, 1965-73, 75- )
1932 Everard Goodman English real estate developer (TOPS Estates)
1932 Michel Legrand composer (Summer of '42, Windmills of Your Mind)
1934 Flemming Nielsen Denmark, soccer player (Olympics-silver-1960)
1934 Frank Chapot US, equestrian (Olympics-silver-1960, 1972)
1934 Linda Cristal Buenos Aires Argentina, actress (Victoria-High Chapparal)
1934 Renata Scotto Savona Italy, soprano (Violetta-La Traviata)
1934 Bettino Craxi Italy's 1st socialist premier (1983-87)
1934 Shuko Mizuno composer
1937 Jerry Wiggin British MP
1938 James Farentino Brooklyn NY, actor (Dead & Buried, Final Countdown)
1938 Kathleen Richardson president (Methodist Conference)
1939 George Bain principal (London Business School)
1940 Jimmy Ellis WBA heavyweight boxing champion (1968-70)
1940 Denis Law British soccer player
1940 Theo Bosch Dutch humanist/architect (Nieuwmarkt Amsterdam)
1942 David K Williamson Australian screenplay/playwright (Removalists)
1942 Joe Lieberman (Senator-D-CT)
1942 Paul Jones England, rocker (Manfred Mann-Mighty Quinn)
1942 Stuart Henry British disc jockey
1944 Sheila Larkin Brooklyn NY, actress (Deborah-Storefront Lawyer)
1944 Nicky Hopkins rock pianist (Stones-Ruby Tuesday, Jeff Beck, Quicksilver)
1945 Alain Prost France, Formula 1 race driver (1985, 86, 89, 93) & current team owner
1946 Barry Bostwick San Mateo CA, actor (Spin City, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Lexx, Megaforce, Movie Movie, Scruples, Foul Play)
1946 Anthony Mayer chief executive (Housing Corporation)
1946 Jenny O'Hara Sonora CA, actress (Wishmaster, Facts of Life, My Sister Sam)
1946 Michael Radford director (1984, White Mischief)
1947 Edward James Olmos California, actor (Miami Vice, Stand & Deliver, Triumph)
1947 Lonnie Turner bassist/vocalist (Steve Miller Band-Abracadabra)
1947 Rupert Holmes Tenafly NJ, singer (Piña Colada song)
1948 Dennis "Minder" Waterman London England, actor (Fair Exchange)
1948 Lord Melchett
1948 Lorri Menconi playmate (February 1969)
1949 John Lever cricketer (England lefty quick in 21 Tests 1976-81)
1950 Cathy Mant LPGA golfer
1950 G J M Gazdar computational linguist
1951 Helen Shaver Ontario Canada, actress (WIOU, Praise of Older Women)
1951 Derek Randall cricketer (England batsman & animated cover fieldsman)
1952 Tom Burleson USA, basketball (Olympics-silver-1972) tallest Olympian-7'4"
1952 Simon Weinstock businessman/racehorse owner
1954 Marquess of Normanby
1955 Steven Jobs cofounder of Apple Computer
1955 Bob Abrams Ohio, rocker (Buckinghams)
1956 Eddie Murray Los Angeles CA, 1st baseman (Baltimore Orioles, Los Angeles Dodgers, Cleveland Indians)
1957 Phil McConkey NFL wide receiver (New York Giants)
1958 Susan Scannell Lexington MA, actress (Nicole-Dynasty)
1958 Sammy Kershaw Kaplan LA, country vocalist (Cadillac Style)
1959 Beth Broderick Falmouth KY, actress (Aunt Zelda-Sabrina)
1959 Michael Roy Whitney cricket (great New South Wales & Aussie lefty quick 1981-92)
1961 Janice Gibson Tulsa OK, LPGA golfer (1994 Youngstown-Warren-15th)
1961 Persijn "Dakota" Joling Dutch rock guitarist/singer (Pilgrims-Red)
1961 Ruud Really soccer player (Feyenoord)
1962 Teri Weigel Ft Lauderdale FL, porn star/playmate (April 1986)
1962 Michelle Shocked singer/musician
1963 Fuad Reveiz NFL kicker (Minnesota Vikings)
1963 Matias Carrillo Mexican/US baseball outfielder (Florida Marlins)
1965 Paul Gruber NFL tackle (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
1966 Billy Zane actor (Orlando, Memphis Belle, Millions, Titanic)
1966 Rene Arocha Cubans/US baseball pitcher (St Louis Cardinals)
1968 John Velddman soccer player (Sparta)
1968 Kendall Cross Hardin MT, 125½ lbs freestyle wrestler (Olympics-gold-92, 96)
1968 Vaughn Booker NFL defensive end (Kansas City Chiefs)
1970 Jonathan Ward Baltimore MD, actor (Doug-Charles in Charge, Beans Baxter)
1970 Jeff Garcia CFL quarterback (Calgary Stampeders)
1970 Wilson Alvarez Maracaibo Venezuela, pitcher (Chicago White Sox)
1971 Aki Rahunen Finland, tennis star
1971 Brian Savage Sudbury, NHL left wing (Montréal Canadiens)
1972 Larry Amar Camarillo CA, field hockey midfielder/captain (Olympics-96)
1972 Manon Rheaume Lac Beauport Québec Canada, 1st female NHLer (Tampa Bay)
1972 Patricia Regan Leines Medford OR, Miss Oregon-America (1996-3rd)
1972 Ron Davis NFL cornerback (Atlanta Falcons, Green Bay Packers-Superbowl 31)
1973 James Michael Kennedy Boston, rocker (4 Fun-Unbelievable Fun Boys)
1973 Alexei Kovalev Moscow Russia, NHL right wing (New York Rangers)
1973 Harold Morrow full back (Minnesota Vikings)
1973 Kavis Reed CFL defensive back (Edmonton Eskimos)
1973 Oscar de la Hoya boxer
1974 Jeremy Laster Fullerton CA, water polo driver (Olympics-96)
1974 Simeon Rice defensive end (Arizona Cardinals)
1977 Alexis Jose Grullon New York NY, singer (Menudo-Cannonball)
1977 Floyd Mayweather Grand Rapids MI, featherweight boxer (Olympics-bronze-96)
1978 Louise Woodward Elton England, nanny who killed Matthew Eappen

---

Deaths which occurred on February 24:
1563 François Guise French General/duke, assassinated at 44
1624 Vicente Espinel Spanish adventure/chaplain (Marcos de Obrégon), dies at 72
1642 Marco da Gagliano Italian opera composer, dies at about 66
1666 Nicholas Lanier composer, dies at 77
1686 Ferdinando Tacca Italian painter/son of Pietro Tacca, dies at 66
1692 Antimo Liberati composer, dies at 74
1704 Marc-Antoine Charpentier French composer (church music), dies
1735 Georg Friedrich Kauffman composer, dies at 56
1784 Anton Laube composer, dies at 65
1785 Carlo Bonaparte Corsican attorney, dies at 39
1799 Broerius Brorius theologist (Pensive Christian), dies at about 41
1799 Georg C Lichtenberg German physicist/writer, dies at 56
1806 John Nieuwenhuijzen theologist (Society for General Use), dies at 81
1810 Henry Cavendish physicist/chemist, dies
1812 Hugo Kollataj Polish teacher/minister, dies at 61
1815 Robert Fulton steamboat pioneer, dies
1825 Thomas Bowdler self-appointed Shakespearean censor, dies
1829 Auguste Chouteau St Louis co-founder, dies
1836 Dániel Berzsenyi Hungarian poet, dies at 59
1848 Frans van Campenhout Belgian singer/composer (Brabançonne), dies at 69
1862 Bernard S Ingemann Danish author (Holger Danske), dies at 72
1871 Théodore Caruelle d'Aligny French painter/etcher, dies at 73
1874 Anselmo Clave composer, dies at 49
1876 Jan Pieter Heije Dutch physician/writer/poet, dies at 67
1895 Ignaz Lachner composer, dies at 87
1907 Otto Goldschmidt composer, dies at 77
1908 Anatol' Vakhnyanyn composer, dies at 66
1919 Josephine McGill composer, dies at 41
1922 Alfred Espinas French sociologist (Sociétes Animales), dies at 77
1922 Dmitri B Shostakovich father of Russian composer Dmitri D S, dies
1924 Edmond Picard French/Belgian writer (Ambidextre journalist), dies at 87
1926 Eddie Plank pitcher (won 327 games in 17 years), dies at 51
1929 Andre-Charles-Prosper Messager composer, dies at 75
1930 Jacobus van Looy Dutch writer/painter (Night Cactus), dies at 74
1933 Spottiswoode Aitken actor (Eagle, Home Sweet Home), dies at 64
1941 Oskar Loerke German director (Longest Day-1926), dies at 56
1944 Leo H A Baekeland Belgian/US chemist (bakelite), dies at 80
1945 Ahmed Maher Pasha Egypt's PM, assassinated in parliament
1953 Karl R G von Rundstedt German General-field marshal (Ardennes), dies at 77
1958 Fernand Baldensperger [Fernand Baldenne] French poet, dies at 86
1960 Jean Binet composer, dies at 66
1961 Léon Jeunehomme Belgian teacher (Pédagogie en Cours), dies at 77
1964 Alexander Archipenko Ukrainian sculptor/water colors painter, dies at 76
1964 Frank Conroy actor (Midnight Mary, Threat), dies at 73
1967 Franz Waxman German composer (Day at the races), dies at 60
1969 Kenneth Green actor (Penrod), dies of heart attack at 61
1970 Conrad Nagel actor (Celebrity Time), dies at 73
1973 Art Smith actor (Quicksand), dies of heart attack at 73
1975 Nikolai A Bulganin marshal/premier of USSR (1955-58), dies at 79
1976 H Allen Smith TV host (Armchair Detective), dies at 68
1976 Charles Wilfred Orr composer, dies at 82
1976 Julian Rivero actor (Via Pony Express), dies at 85
1982 Virginia Bruce actress (Born to Dance, Great Ziegfield), dies at 71
1983 Herbert Norman Howells composer, dies at 90
1983 Tennessee Williams US playwright (Cat on a Hot Tin Roof), dies at 71
1984 Uwe Johnson writer, dies at 59
1988 Irwan Chanin US theater builder, dies at 96
1990 Johnnie Ray singer (Cry), dies of liver failure at 61
1990 Malcolm Forbes CEO (Forbes Publishing), dies of a heart attack at 70
1990 Sandro Pertini President of Italy (1978, 85), dies at 93
1990 Tony Conigliaro baseball player (Red Sox), dies in Salem MA at 45
1991 George Gobel Chicago IL, comedian (George Gobel Show), dies after surgery at 71
1991 Jean Rogers actress (Flash Gordon, Hot Cargo), dies at 74
1991 Marcella Markham dies of breast cancer at 68
1991 Webb Pierce US country singer (Bye Bye Love), dies of cancer at 64
1992 Kay Loring dies after long illness
1993 Bobby Moore English soccer team captain (World champions 1966), dies
1993 Toy Caldwell guitarist (Marshall Tucker Band), dies at 45
1994 Dinah Shore singer (Chevrolet), dies of cancer at 76
1994 Donald Phillips pianist/composer, dies at 80
1994 Jean Sablon crooner, dies at 87
1994 Knut Anders Haukfield SOE Operative, dies at 83
1994 Lores Bonney aviator, dies at 96
1995 Richard Nicholson musician, dies at 89
1996 Anna Larina revolutionary, dies at 82
1996 Gene Mitchell museum director, dies on 70th birthday
1996 James Runcieman Sutherland academic, dies at 95
1996 Laurence Richard Deniz jazz guitarist, dies at 71
1997 Isabelle Harriet Lucas actress/singer (Outland, Comics), dies at 69
1998 Henny Youngman comedian (Take my wife please), dies at 92

---

On this day...
0303 1st official Roman edict for persecution of Christians issued
1208 St Francis of Assisi, 26, received his vocation in Portiuncula Italy
1296 Pope Boniface VIII degree Clericis Iaicos
1389 Battle at Falköping Danes defeat King Albert of Sweden
1496 England's Henry VII ends commercial dispute with Flanders
1510 Pope Julius II excommunicates the republic of Venice
1525 Battle at Pavia Emperor Karel V's troops beat French king, François I caught taken/8700 killed
1527 Ferdinand of Austria crowned as king of Bohemia
1528 János Zápolyai, Hungarian king, recognizes Sultan Suleiman's suzerainty
1530 1st imperial coronation by a Pope, Charles V crowned by Clement V
1538 King Ferdinand of Austria & King János Zápolyai of Hungary sign Peace of Grosswardein
1541 Santiago, Chile founded by Pedro de Valvidia
1552 Privileges of the Hanseatic League in England are abrogated
1581 Pope Gregory approves the results of his calendar reform commission
1582 Pope Gregory XIII announces New Style (Gregorian) calendar
1597 Flemish painter Frederick of Valckenborch becomes porter of Frankfurt-on-Main
1607 Claudio Monteverdi's opera "Orfeo" premieres in Mantua
1613 English princess Elizabeth marries earl Frederik of Palts
1708 Prince Johan Willem Friso sworn in as viceroy of Groningen
1711 Handel's opera "Rinaldo" premieres, London
1779 George Rogers Clark captures Vincennes IN from British
1786 Charles Cornwallis appointed Governor-General of India
1793 French troops conquer Breda
1803 Supreme Court 1st rules a law unconstitutional (Marbury vs Madison)
1807 17 die & 15 wounded in a crush to witness execution of Holloway, Heggerty & Elizabeth Godfrey in England
1821 Mexico gains independence from Spain
1835 Siwinowe Kesibwi (Shawnee Sun) is 1st Indian language monthly magazine
1836 3,000 Mexicans attack 182 Texans at the Alamo, lasts 13 days
1839 Steam shovel patented by William Otis, Philadelphia
1848 King Louis-Philippe abdicates, 2nd French republic declared
1855 US Court of Claims established for cases against the government
1857 1st perforated US postage stamps delivered to the government
1857 Los Angeles Vineyard Society organized
1863 Arizona Territory created
1863 Forrest's raid on Brentwood TN
1864 Battle of Tunnel Hill GA (Buzzard's Roost)
1868 House of Representatives vote 126 to 47, to impeach President Andrew Johnson
1868 1st US parade with floats (Mardi Gras-Mobile AL)
1876 Henrik Ibsen's "Peer Gynt" premieres in Oslo
1881 De Lesseps' Company begins work on Panama Canal
1888 Louisville KY becomes 1st government in US to adopt Australian ballot
1891 French troops under Captain Archinard occupy Diéna West Sudan
1894 Nicaragua captures Tegucigalpa, Honduras (National Day, sort of)
1895 Cuban war of independence begins
1896 Victoria all out for 43 vs South Australia, Jones 6-15 Jarvis 4-27
1902 Battle at Yzer Spruit Boer General De la Rey beats British
1903 US signs agreement acquiring a naval station at Guantanamo Bay Cuba
1905 Simplon tunnel in Switzerland completed
1914 Frank Craven's "Too Many Cooks" premieres in New York NY
1917 German plan to get Mexican help in WWI exposed (Zimmerman telegram)
1917 Russian revolution breaks out
1917 Red Sox sell Smokey Joe Wood, his arm dead at 26, to Cleveland for $15,000
1918 Estonia declares independence from Russia
1920 Peace treaty gives Estonia independence
1920 NSDAP begins at Hofbräuhaus Münich
1921 1st transcontinental flight in 24 hours flying time arrives Florida
1923 Flying Scotsman goes into service
1923 Mass arrests in US of Mafia
1924 Greek parliament proclaims republic
1924 Johnny Weissmuller, swims 100 meter record (57:2/5 seconds)
1924 Mahatma Gandhi released from jail
1925 Thermit explosive 1st used to break up ice jam, Waddington NY
1927 John Golden Theater (Theatre Masque) opens at 252 W 45th St NYC
1932 Malcolm Campbell drives record speed (253.96 mph) at Daytona
1933 Final demonstration of German communist party in Berlin
1933 League of Nations tells Japanese to pull out of Manchuria
1937 1st US group hospital-medical cooperative authorized, Washington DC
1938 Du Pont begins commercial production of nylon toothbrush bristles
1939 Roy Harris' 3rd Symphony, premieres in Boston
1940 Frances Langford records "When You Wish Upon a Star"
1941 43 Geuzen resistance fighter trial opens in the Hague
1941 Anti Nazi meeting at Noordermarkt Amsterdam
1942 Voice of America begins broadcasting (in German)
1943 General-Major Bradley flies to Algiers
1943 Texas League announces it will quit for the duration of WWII
1944 Argentina coup by Juan Peron minister of war
1945 Egypt & Syria declares war on Nazi-Germany
1945 Manila freed from Japanese
1945 Nazi occupiers begin state of siege
1946 Juan Peron elected President of Argentina
1948 Communist Party seizes complete control of Czechoslovakia
1949 V-2/WAC-Corporal 1st rocket to outer space, White Sands NM, 400 km
1949 Israel & Egypt sign an armistice agreement
1950 Labour wins British parliamentary election
1951 "Bless You All" closes at Mark Hellinger Theater NYC after 84 performances
1951 Ice Pairs Championship at Milan won by Ria Baran & Paul Falk of Germany
1951 Ladies Figure Skating Championship in Milan won by Jeanette Altwegg of Great Britain
1951 Men's Figure Skating Championship in Milan won by Richard Button USA
1952 Betty MacKinnon & Sam Snead win LPGA Orlando Mixed Golf Tournament
1955 "Silk Stockings" opens at Imperial Theater NYC for 461 performances
1955 Pact of Baghdad between Iraq & Turkey signed
1960 Italian government of Segni falls
1960 US beats Germany in Olympics hockey finals round, 9-1
1961 Explorer (10) fails to reach Earth orbit
1962 "New Faces of '62" closes at Alvin Theater NYC after 28 performances
1962 "Sail Away" closes at Broadhurst Theater NYC after 167 performances
1962 General mobilization in Indonesia over New-Guinea
1962 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1964 Cassius Clay beats Sonny Liston for heavyweight boxing championship
1965 Beatles begin filming "Help" in the Bahamas
1965 East German President Ulbricht visits Egypt
1966 Coup ousts President Kwame Nkrumah of Ghana
1966 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1968 Gary Unger begins NHL consecutive game record of 914 games
1968 "Darling of the Day" closes at George Abbott NYC after 31 performances
1968 1st pulsar discovered (CP 1919 by Jocelyn Burnell at Cambridge)
1968 US troops reconquer Hue Vietnam
1969 Mariner 6 launched for Mars fly-by
1970 29 Swiss Army officers die in avalanche (Reckingen, Switzerland)
1970 Heintje Simons (14) wins 7 gold records
1970 KVDO TV channel 3 in Salem OR (IND) begins broadcasting
1971 Algeria nationalizes French oil companies
1974 Pakistan officially recognizes Bangladesh
1974 Atje Keulen-Deelstra becomes world champion all-round skater
1976 Cuba adopts its constitution
1976 Jules Feiffer's "Knock Knock" premieres in New York NY
1976 Leonid Brezhnev opens 25th congress of CPSU
1977 President Carter announces US foreign aid will consider human rights
1978 Kevin Porter, New Jersey, sets NBA record with 29 assists in a game
1979 Highest price ever paid for a pig, $42,500, Stamford TX
1979 War between North & South Yemen begins
1980 Rangers score 5 power-play goals against Islanders
1980 USA Olympics hockey team beats Finland (4-2) & wins gold medal
1980 "Canterbury Tales" closes at Rialto Theater NYC after 16 performances
1980 Joanne Carner wins LPGA Bent Tree Golf Classic
1981 Boston Celtics begin 18 NBA game win streak
1981 Jean Harris is convicted of murdering Scarsdale diet doctor Tarnower
1981 Britain's Prince Charles announces engagement to Lady Diana Spencer
1982 Wayne Gretzky scores NHL-record 78th goal of season en route to 92
1982 24th Grammy Awards Betty Davis Eyes, Double Fantasy win
1983 Dow Jones closes above 1100 mark for 1st time
1983 USSR performs underground nuclear test
1984 Iraq resumes air attack on Iran
1985 Jim Kelly (Houston USFL) passes for pro football record 574 yards
1985 Amy Alcott wins LPGA Circle K Golf Open Tucson
1985 Birendra, Bir Bikram Shah Dev crowned King of Nepal
1985 Yul Brynner reprised his role in "The King & I"
1986 Voyager 2, 1st Uranus fly-by
1986 Texas Air buys Eastern Airlines for $676 million
1987 Radio personality Larry King suffers a heart attack
1987 29th Grammy Awards Higher Love, Graceland, Bruce Hornsby win
1987 Los Angeles Laker Kareem Abdul-Jabbar scores his 36,000th NBA point
1988 Supreme Court votes 8-0 Jerry Falwell cannot collect for Hustler parody
1988 Matti Nykanen becomes winter Olympics 1st triple gold medalist
1988 South African apartheid regime bans the UDF
1989 Margaret Ray found in David Letterman's home, claims to be his wife
1989 150-million-year-old fossil egg (oldest dinosaur embryo) found
1989 Harold E Ballard sells CFL Hamilton Tiger-Cats to David Braley
1989 US Boeing 747 loses parts of roof over Pacific, 9 die
1989 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1990 Beth Daniel wins LPGA Orix Hawaiian Ladies Golf Open
1991 End of World League of American Football's (WLAF) 1st draft
1991 US & allies begin a ground war assault on Iraqi troops
1991 "Those Were The Days" closes at Edison Theater NYC after 126 performances
1993 35th Grammy Awards Tears in Heaven-Eric Clapton wins
1994 Scoreboard is unveiled at new Cleveland Indians' park (Jacobs Field)
1995 Dow-Jones hits record 4011.74
1996 Cuba downs 2 US planes
1996 Meg Mallon wins LPGA Cup o' Noodles Hawaiian Ladies Golf Open
1997 Deng Xiaoping, leader of China, cremated (died Feb 19th)
1997 South Africa announces it is constructing largest modern day blimp
1998 Elton John knighted
1998 NHL resumes season since Feb 8th to accommodate the Olympics
2002 XIX winter Olympics closes in Salt Lake City UT/Québec City

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Holidays
Note: Some Holidays are only applicable on a given "day of the week"

Cuba : Baire Uprising
Estonia : National Day (1920)
Ghana : Liberation Day (1966)
Indiana : Vincennes Day-George Clark's defeat of British (1779)
México : Flag Day
World : Brotherhood Day (1934) - - - - - ( Sunday )

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Religious Observances
Anglican, Lutheran, Roman Catholic : Commemoration of St Matthias the Apostle (non-leap years)

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Religious History
303 The first official Roman edict for the persecution of Christians was issued by Roman Emperor Galerius Valerius Maximianus.
1208 St Francis of Assisi, 26, received his vocation in the Italian village of Portiuncula. He founded the Franciscans the following year, and is regarded by some Catholics as the greatest of all Christian saints.
1500 Birth of Holy Roman Emperor Charles V. Reigning 1519-56, it was Charles who officially pronounced Martin Luther an outlaw and heretic.
1782 Pioneer American Methodist bishop Francis Asbury wrote in his journal: 'It is my constitutional weakness to be gloomy and dejected; the work of God puts life into me.'
1967 Swiss Reformed theologian Karl Barth wrote in a letter: 'The statement that God is dead comes from Nietzsche and has recently been trumpeted abroad by some German and American theologians. But the good Lord has not died of this; He who dwells in the heaven laughs at them.'

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Thought for the day :
"Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses."