USO Canteen FReeper Style ~ Military Jokes ~ February 24 2003

68-69TonkinGulfYatchClub and FRiends of the Canteen

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

The Politically Correct Battlefield

They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment.
We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.
We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information.
They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units.
We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers.
We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target.
We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.
We don't attack; we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory.
We don't retreat; we reconsolidate at a previously held position.
We don't waste money, we fail to effectively utilize funding.
We're not at war; we're sanctioning with extreme prejudice.

Mom's wisdom

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make:
He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter,
as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?"
"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.
When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question:
"Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

Wild Kid

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy
who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down,
the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform
of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides,
"I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Chopper crash

While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise
a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor.
The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom.
However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks,
this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

Pilots jokes

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog.
The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if there is an pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.

What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot....

What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into an aviator when it's drunk.

What do pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.

What is the difference between an pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when it pulls up to the gate.

The difference between the Boy Scouts and the U.S. Air Force?
The boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Seeking Protection

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada,
known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see
a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,
and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot
and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing,
complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison,
told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said,
"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[comwatch]

 

Thank you all for the warm welcome... now we roll up the sleeves and pass the word.

Also, if you haven't signed the Support Our Commander in Chief petition, please do.

Support the Commander in Chief
Click Here to Send a Message the opposition hates!

Here's where we stand as of this hour: Support the Commander in Chief Petition Statistics
As of 2/24/03 4:37:19 PM CST
(updated every 10 minutes)

Petition Target Date:	3/31/03
Target Number of Petitioners:	250,000
Total Petitioners to Date:	178,763

Total petitioners TODAY:

1,429

# added in the last 72 hours:	7,327
Velocity (current petitioners per hour):	52

	107
	50

We hope to deliver 250,000+ to the White House by 3-31-03

[firewalk]

Thanks for the ping & the smile

[Radix]

Here is some transportation for the Dudes and all!

[Mudboy Slim]

Interesting, my FRiend...an architect buddy of mine is a volunteeer EMS up north of Richmond.

"...petite li'l Tommie's gonna be the Belle of the General Prison Population Ball...BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

So Sayeth the Word of...MUD

[Radix]

1786 Wilhelm Karl Grimm Hanau Germany, story teller (Grimm's Fairy Tales)

.

Here is one Fairy Tale That you might know of!

Here is an explanation of what rampion is.

The radixionary was confounded by the term!

[Kathy in Alaska]

"Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era"

These are hilarious, tom. Thanks! My favorite:

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

[Radix]

1990 Tony Conigliaro baseball player (Red Sox), dies in Salem MA at 45

Tony Conigliaro was a great ball player. He could have been one of the greatest hitters of all time.

[Kathy in Alaska]

Whatever time of day it is, hello Aeronaut and Otto! Thank you for the daily flyover of protection.

[Radix]

1917 Red Sox sell Smokey Joe Wood, his arm dead at 26, to Cleveland for $15,000

Sometimes (in my humble opinion) a story can do more than any post of a graphic ever could.

Smokey Joe Wood was one of the greatest pitchers that the Red Sox have ever had.

I went looking for conversion charts in order to show just what $15,000 dollars in 1917 would equate to in todays terms.

I found myself caught up in learning some fascinating things about Economies and Inflation.I actually forgot (for a brief moment) why I was looking into this stuff in the first place.

It struck me as a bit funny, thus I share it here. I love to laugh!

[Aeronaut]

Hey Kathy, how's it going "up there"?

[alfa6]

Here is one from my daughter who is away at college, she has quite a collection of military jokes, I will have to have her send me the Skippy list as well.

Regards

alfa6 ;>}


US Army Voice Mail


Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units
are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with
your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a
number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted Out the Balkans,
Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of
Washington, D.C., and compulsory Consideration Of Others training, we will
return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to
the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, or close to the sea, and needs to be totally
obliterated, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can
be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2
for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available
after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to
customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional
research and development funding.

If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey
funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in
advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missle service
is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed
to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a
compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent
TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is
not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid
little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut
miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your *** off daily, risking
your life, in all weathers and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching
Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line.
Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in
an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United
States Army.

[tomkow6]

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to
his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies,
"How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is
a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is
putting me into a deep depression."

[LaDivaLoca]

Good evening to my fellow Canteeners, our Troops, Vets, Allies, Volunteers and your families.

[LaDivaLoca]

Thank you to the men in the Military and the Canteen for the beautiful red roses!

[SAMWolf]

Current Military News
The Few, The Proud

Father Bill Devine, right, of Boston, blesses Cpl. Nick Scyoc of McMinnville, Ore., during a Catholic Mass for the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force at Life Support Area 7 in the Kuwaiti desert south of Iraq on Sunday, Feb. 23, 2003. (AP Photo/Laura Rauch)


Father Bill Devine of Boston performs a Catholic Mass for the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force at Life Support Area 7 in the Kuwaiti desert south of Iraq on Sunday, Feb. 23, 2003. (AP Photo/Laura Rauch)


A U.S. Marine kneels after receiving communion during a Catholic Mass for the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force at Life Support Area 7 in the Kuwaiti desert south of Iraq on Sunday, Feb. 23, 2003. (AP Photo/Laura Rauch)


Marines with the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force pray during a Catholic Mass at Life Support Area 7 in the Kuwaiti desert south of Iraq on Sunday, Feb. 23, 2003. (AP Photo/Laura Rauch)


Chaplain David Slater baptizes Lance Cpl. Adam Hand of New Bader, Ill., during a Protestant service at Life Support Area 7 in the Kuwaiti desert south of Iraq on Sunday, Feb. 23, 2003. (AP Photo/Laura Rauch)


Marines with the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force participate in a game of football at Life Support Area 7 in the Kuwaiti desert south of Iraq on Sunday, Feb. 23, 2003. (AP Photo/Laura Rauch)


Marine Cpl. Ricky, Perry of Elko, Nev., right front, gets a hair cut from Gunnery Sgt. Dennis Stieber of Marathon, Wis., at Life Support Area 7 in the Kuwaiti desert south of Iraq on Sunday, Feb. 23, 2003. (AP Photo/Laura Rauch)


Marines with the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force salute during the playing of the U.S. national anthem at Life Support Area 7 in the Kuwaiti desert south of Iraq on Sunday, Feb. 23, 2002. (AP Photo/Laura Rauch)

[MoJo2001]

That is so beautiful, Diva! Thank you so much!! I've got a closet dedicated to all Bentfeather Words of Wonder! Woohoo!! *HUGS*

[LaDivaLoca]

I read that thread at work today and I was so steamed! This is unacceptable, the ingrates!

[MoJo2001]

Welcome To The Canteen, comwatch!! Ma must really like ya because she gave you the MILITARY TEDDY SALUTE BRIGADE! Come on in and have some fun!

[MoJo2001]

Thank you, Valin for posting the wonderful history for us today. I know you sent me the link, but just the fact that you do it for all of us is something very special. Thank you!

[LaDivaLoca]

LOL! There are exceptionally great jokes today! Thanks for the laugh everyone.