The Complete Military History of France

e-mail | 02/05/03 | unk

[ExSoldier]

There is NOTHING To add to this, especially in regard to WWI!!!!! Comments?

Subject: The Complete Military History of France

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

[Gatún(CraigIsaMangoTreeLawyer)]

How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?

No one knows. It's never been tried.

[Non-Sequitur]

"Bonjour, you cheese-eatin' surrender-monkeys."

[tracer]

61 + posts on a thread re: the military history of France?? I'm surprised.... 8~)

[tenger]

As a conservative columnist said today, "The French, as the saying goes, are always there when they need us."

[Lauratealeaf]

I just heard this little gem on Hugh Hewitt's show. He said that going to war without France is like going hunting without your accordian. LOL!

[lodwick]

Brilliant - thanks.

[ExSoldier]

I sent this link around to some of my friends and got a ton of stuff that had been omitted, so I thought I'd post it....

Agincourt, the fact that the French executed 10% of their own soldiers in WW I when they pulled out of the line and marched on Paris, and the fact that after France lost WW II to a smaller attacking Nazi Army which had fewer, poorer tanks, the Vichy Government collaborated fully with the Nazis in rounding up Jews and their own resistance members for extermination.

The US Army also heeld up on the outskirts of Paris to permit Charles DeGaulle to march in first and lead the victory parade.

For years, the French had a tacit agreement with the world's terrorists that if they committed no crimes on French soil, they could live there unmolested. Carlos the Jackal did so for years.

One of my active duty friends also had this to say and I can only agree....

"Of all the countries in the world to despise, I would think that the French would look first to the country which has attacked them three times in the past 130 years, rather than the country which rescued them twice. They are truly the laughingstock of the free world, and a bunch of filthy, unwashed, arrogant, cowardly, ungrateful bastards to boot."

[Lauratealeaf]

I traveled through France while we were stationed in Germany and in the Alsace region there were quite a few beautiful castle ruins. I was curious about why they were destroyed. I was told that the Swedes attacked and destroyed them. The Swedes! It doesn't seem to me that France has ever been a powerful nation.

[LisaFab]

This is one I saved from April, 2002, author unknown so don't flame me :-)

History of French "Warfare"

Gaul vs. Julius Caesar - Gaul defeated by Rome circa 49 B.C. (Rome defeated the early French swine - the Frenchies had to Hail Julius Caesar as their new leader)

Gaul vs. Franks - Gaul defeated by Franks (the 'original' French, replaced by the Franks *sigh*)

Franks vs. Huns - Huns sack Paris circa 450 A.D. (Huns finally defeated here - Attila's ONLY defeat. Notice it was done by a German-Roman coalition, NOT the Franks)

Franks vs. Themselves - Clovis unites Franks into one kingdom around 511 A.D. He dies and the 'kingdom' falls apart at the seams. Ever hear of naming a successor or how bout a will?

Franks vs. Muslims - Charles Martel defeats a SMALL Muslim raiding party at the Battle of Tours in 732 A.D. Muslims lost interest so Charles claimed a 'great victory'. Notice they didn't follow up and kick the Muslims out of Spain though.....

Franks vs. Franks - Charlemagne crowned 'Emperor of the Romans', Christmas 800 A.D. Again this 'empire' fell apart by 840 A.D. - sheesh. Charlemagne could read but couldn't write - now what sense does that make?

Franks vs. Vikings - From 841 to 911 A.D. the Viking Warrior-Badasses mopped the Frankish countryside with Frank ass. France surrenders Normandy to Vikings 911 A.D. (Stupid mid-evil France was easily bullied by real warriors)

Franks vs. Black Death - 1347 - 1350 A.D. Black Death kills Frenchies good. This plague was said to originate in Mongolia, from the vermin. BUT, we all know it HAD to have came from the filthy French swine.

France vs. England - 100 Years War 1337 - 1453 A.D. Battle of Crecy - 1337 A.D. (English hand the French their own asses in the start of the 100 Years War with the timely use of the longbow. French knights are mowed down like the cannon fodder they were.) Battle of Poitiers, 1356 A.D. - More of the same. Battle of Agincourt, 1415 A.D. - Henry V gets some French butt-whoopin' action. Unfortunately, a heretic freak named Joan of Arc came along and united all the French Frogs and they managed to repel the English. And we all know where that got her....TOASTY.

France vs. World Culture - Renaissance starts in Italy circa 1200's, NOT IN FRANCE.

France vs. World Exploration/Economics - Commercial Revolution starts - major players are England, Spain, and Portugal. Notice who ISN'T on that list?

France vs. France - 1572 A.D. St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre by Queen Catherine. She killed thousands of protestants and Jews. Hrm...that sounds really familiar - the FINAL SOLUTION ring any bells? Evidently these bastards were no better than Nazi Germany and yet they are proud of their heritage?

France vs. Europe - War of Spanish Succession 1648 A.D. (France tries to fight rest of Europe over Spain and looses to Frederick William of Germany)

France vs. Europe - 7 Years War or French Indian War 1756 A.D. (France gets beat up on 2 different continents by England and Germany plus the early future Americans - a guy named George Washington ring any bells?)

France vs. France - French Revolution 1789 - 1799A.D. (France kicks their own asses) Dr. Guillotine makes a handy invention that allows the Frenchies to chop off their own heads with amazing speed - thanks Jacobin Republicans!

France vs. Europe - Waterloo 1815 A.D. (Wellington delivers knockout to Napoleon - 2nd time. This comes AFTER the Russian Winter destroyed the largest army in the World and the U.S. conned old Nappy in the Louisiana Purchase - WHAT A BARGAIN!)

France vs. France - French Revolution (again) 1848 A.D. (France is still kicking their own asses on a smaller scale)

France vs. Mexico - late 1860s - early 1870s A.D. - France conquers Mexico. Wow! Amazing. What an accomplishment. Funny though, when the U.S. decided to enforce the Monroe Doctrine and in so many words told France to get the HELL out of our side of the world, they tucked tail and ran.

France vs. Prussia - Franco-Prussian War 1870 A.D. (William I of Germany kicks the teeth out of Napoleon III - good old Willy proclaims himself emperor of Germany at the Palace of Versailles - can you say bitchslap?) This all started because France opposed the unification of Germany - notice this starts a nasty chain of events that doesn't end till 1945......seems to me we can almost chalk up WWI and II on the dumbass French.

France vs. Germany - WWI 1914-1918 A.D. (Germany beats the hell out of France - without the aid of USA, France would be speaking German. France only won because of Uncle Sam jumped in - then those dumbass sore-winners in France impose an incredibly harsh Treaty of Versailles to 'punish' the Germans. Notice the resulting conditions of this allowed the rise of an unknown Austrian named HITLER.

France vs. Germany - Rise of Hitler 1933-1939 A.D. (Germany bullies France into letting them take more territory - the wussies wouldn't even fight over it - they adopted a policy of 'appeasement' - can you say SCARED?)

France vs. Germany Round II - WWII June 22, 1940 A.D. (France surrenders to Hitler at Compiegne after putting up a fight that made Polish Army look good. Notice Vichy France who quickly jumped ship to be friends with the Germans. And once again without the help of good old Uncle Sam the Atlantic Wall would never have been penetrated - France would either be a part of the 3rd Reich or a satellite country of Communist Russia under Uncle Joe Stalin)

France vs. Vietcong - Vietnam 1954 A.D. (French Army at Dien Bien Phu surrender to Ho Chi Minh) Nuff Said.

MORAL: Even before Jesus walked the face of the Earth, the French have been getting their asses kicked. The smelly, cheese eating, fu-fu dressing French can't fight worth a damn. You TOO can conquer France!

And for the French, read this!!!!

[knews_hound]

French Bashing Bump

Cheers,

knews hound

[St.Chuck]

Perhaps in the days of Charlemaigne and the Crusades, the Franks displayed noble and skillful military acumen, but those days are long gone. Any culture that regards Jerry Lewis and Bjork as artistic geniuses is suspect.

[chnsmok]

Heard about this thread on the Hugh Hewitt show. Hi Hugh!
Listen live: http://www.hughhewitt.com/

[Rocky]

France - the whine country.

[Riley]

Both of them?

There *were* about two that I know of. Shame to lose anybody by painting with too broad a brush- they may have had something worthwhile to say.

I have met French folks that I did like and agreed with much of the time.

[ricpic]

"Conversely, I've never had a negative experience in the UK."

Ever have a good meal there after breakfast?

[nutmeg]

LOL! How did you ever find that site?

[nutmeg]

Thanks for the ping, Cacique!

[Diesel]

I live in Ontario, Canada, and a stone's throw away from the Quebec border, and therefore have had MORE than enough exposure to French people for my taste. Although there are exceptions, for the most part they are pompous, arrogant, rude, and obnoxious; two or more of them will stand right in front of an English-speaking person, and converse in French about them, all the while casting surrepticious glances in the direction of the Anglophone to try to determine whether they have been interpretted. Sneaky, under-handed, and RUDE. They continually turn off Americans, and give them a poor impression of Canadians, and leave a bad taste in their mouths. Few Americans who have ever been to Quebec will ever go back. French women are snotty and bitchy and think their shit doesn't stink. Their mouths have a distinctive shape from the way they converse, constantly almost whispering in a conspiratorial manner, with their heads tipped down and toward each other, and the usual sidelong glances to detect detection itself. The males are maddeningly stupid; you have to tell them the same thing over and over to try to get it through their thick heads, even if they completely understand English.

This isn't ignorant bigotry--it's almost 37 years of close(too close) association and observation.

[2nd Amendment]

What do you call a Frenchman entering a city during a victory celebration? . . a prisioner of war.

In a war if a Frenchman can't find anyone to surrender to . .is it still a war?

What do you call a valiant French fighter . . insubordinate . .

[Political Junkie Too]

Didn't France also refuse to let American and British planes fly over their airspace during prior Gulf War hostilities?

-PJ