FR 101

>>must visit your local grocery store, purchse some of Reynold's famous wrap, fashion a fedora, bowler or other appropriate headgear from said wrap and position it properly on your head.

How DARE you! provide that advice and *not* provide a link to the fount of all knowledge in this area:

http://www.zapatopi.net/afdb

There. *Now* she's been appropriately informed.

Here is an important fact for FReepers to know:

CCRM is a Free Republic Network affiliate working to reduce media bias.

For a comprehensive overview of Freeper thoughts on Liberal Media bias, check out our website by clicking on graphic, or HERE: We call it Fairpress.org.

This thread is evidence that new FReepers are always welcome. Come join our team and engage in the battle against the Liberal Media.

I found your bra.
It was in the back of my pick-up.
I have no idea how it got there.
I say lets just pretend it never happened.

Bump = Oblique reference to Foucault's use of the term 'presemanticist discourse' to denote the role of the Freeper as a writer.

There you go....taking things out of context again.

I appreciate not being hazed.

But we NEED to haze.

AFter you've been here a while, you will appreciate *that*. :D

- MOSES SPEAKS TO HIS CHILDREN -

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods
that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat,
but not in the living room.
Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat,
but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats,
and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat,
but not in the living room.
Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat,
but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink,
but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins,
of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something,
then may you eat in the living room.

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use,
keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table,
for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show,
your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils,
nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for;
if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table,
and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face
in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed,
and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips.
I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker,
draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees,
do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other,
nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup.
And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean,
saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:
If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas
with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas,
eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill
two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes,
still you shall not have dessert;
and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten,
you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork,
that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity.
And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.
If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other
are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling,
while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand;
but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server,
that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning
has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you,
and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death,
make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face,
nor press your fingers to your nose.
For even now I have made the fish as it should be;
behold, I eat of it myself, yet do not die.

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills,
that I may more easily wash you off.
For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe,
rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say.
Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.
Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be;
and you shall not go hence until I have done.
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.
Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of bath water of any kind;
nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package;
nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape?
And hum not that humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book.
Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do,
you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail;
and when I do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick.
Yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies,
and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner.
And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner
for more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all day,
so mighty am I in anger.
But upon being sent to the corner you ask straight away,
"Can I come out?" and I reply, "No, you may not come out."
And again you ask, and again I give the same reply.
But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.

Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me.
I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year,
and yet again they mount higher than before.
For our health, that we may be covered,
I give six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year;
but even this covers not the fifteen hundred deductible
for each member of the family within a calendar year.
And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered,
nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths.
Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you cannot know.
For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of the month
with the bills and a great whining and moan.
And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it,
and mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts.
And you shall remember that I am that I am:
before, after, and until you are twenty-one.
Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.

Wow, I thought that essay was legit for a second! Thoughts of derision for pompous, elitist professors came bubbling up, then my bubble was mercilessly busted. With extreme prejudice.

Darn, I missed all of the above information. Can it be repeated? I was in the shower.

I really need some basic instruction from the long time FReepers. Can someone please explain, Ping, Bump & Bttt. Also anything else I am forgetting to make it past the newbee status. All Blessings for a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Forget all that!!! Just make sure you never PING, BUMP or BTTT Arthur McGowan.

Hiya toots!

But don't forget to get some Duct Tape to hold it all together.

BTW hijacking a thread is a time honored tradition around here....Welcome Aboard!

I appreciate not being hazed.

We will attempt to not haze you.

However, be aware we may at any time feel free to smear you with peanut butter.

Ahh, the binding force of the universe.

Hiya Toots!!! Happy Thanksgiving.

Hey it's not just any old product!

YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO DIET. MAKE YOUR GRAVY.

Dyslexic PMUB to the POT

Turkey bites can be quite painful.
I suggest treating the afflicted area with cranberry sauce.

You forgot:
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Welcome, Netmilsmom! How did you come to name your child Netmils? An old family name?