SNL humors me with Donahue sketch last night

Did anyone catch SNL last night? Not sure if this has been posted or not, but they ran a sketch with Darrell Hammond playing Phil Donahue, with Donahue hosting his show on MSNBC with the topic of "Is Liberalism Dead?" The basic consensus was that it was indeed. He had Michael Moorer (played by another SNL cast member) in which they joked that Moorer is dirty, fat and doesn't ever bathe. Main joke was Donahue's ratings (hilariously done). He brought up a screen that listed the bottom 3 in cable ratings, with Donahue's show getting second, only to Dr. Radling's Eye Surgery show, and before the Black Israelites Talk Hour.

Then Donahue brought on his other guests, Al Sharpton (played by Tracy Morgan who could have done more with the character) who when asked why Donahue is doing so poorly in the ratings, he answered "No one likes you." Next was Barbara Streisand (played by Maya Rudolph, and was shown in a blurred "dream" vision the entire time, lol!)

Then, Donahue broke for a commercial break, which went to a blank screen with "For advertising, please call MSNBC at 1-800-555-5555" LOL

Another break advertised Donahue's "road tour" where he was prancing around with a microphone in an empty studio with a few drifters inside.

Can't remember every detail of the skit, but it was very funny. I'm pleased to see SNL knock on that idiot and his awful show.

Oops, it was a sketch parody of Chris Matthews and Hardball.

Chris Matthews.....Darrell Hammond John Ashcroft.....Sen. John McCain Rebecca DeWitt.....Rachel Dratch Harry Belefonte.....Tracy Morgan

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to "Hardball", I'm Chris Matthews! One quick program note: next week, the Hardball College Tour continues when we come to you live from Bob Jones University with Special Guest: Coolio! The topic that night's gonna be tax reform! But today, we're talking about homeland security! Al-Quaeda's chatter's is revving up again, people in Maryland have to wear a Kevlar vest every time they go to a gas station, and every town from Buffalo to Portland's sticky with terrorists! The only security the office of homeland security provides is the security of knowing I can't go outside without browning my pants! When I get scared, I shout! And when I shout, I get scared! Are we safer today than we were pre-9/11? Joining us today: Associate Director for the ACLU, Rebecca DeWitt!

Rebecca DeWitt: Hello, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Bor-ing! Also joining us: Attorney General of the United States, John Ashcroft!

John Ashcroft: [ somewhat gruff ] Thanks for having me, Chris.

Chris Matthews: I had to! I was afraid you'd arrest me and put me in a camp! And, finally: he made headlines last week when he called Colin Powell a sell-out, comparing him to a slave serving his master, Harry Belefonte! Harry, welcome!

Harry Belefonte: Welcome? Welcome? What are you, some kind of slave master?

Chris Matthews: Aw, Belefonte! Crazy, right off the bat! I love it! Attorney General, we're gonna start with you! How do we make this country feel safe again?

John Ashcroft: Chris. Security starts with vigilence. As Americans, we will never truly be free. Until each and every one of us is afraid of being throw in a jail. But thanks to the Tips program, we've been able to detain tens of thousands of potential American terrorists for months at a time, for little or no reason. Just like the Founding Fathers dreamed!

Chris Matthews: Rebecca DeWitt, what Ashcroft just said was pretty crazy - can you beat it?!

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, we're living in a police state. Most of the people detained under Mr. Ashcroft's orders haven't been charged with a crime or given access to legal counsel. The Taliban prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are being denied their basic human rights. They can't practice their religion, they're not allowed access to their weapons, they can't even confer with their terrorist leader! It's appalling!

Chris Matthews: Wow! An impressive display of insanity!

Harry Belefonte, keep this crazy train rolling!

Harry Belefonte: Chris, I'm gonna say something that a lot of people are afraid to say: Osama bin Laden is a Uncle Tom!

Chris Matthews: [ shaking his head with wonder ] Good God! I can't even figure out who that's offensive to! Mr. Ashcroft, what plans does the Justice Department have to make our country safer?

John Ashcroft: We’ve got some real great stuff in the works. There's one plan that would make the Arab language, or anything that sounds like it, illegal. In addition, we've gone back into ten years of old files to traxk down terrorist sleeper agents! Foremost amongst them: Shaquille O'Neal.

Chris Matthews: [ chuckling ] Shaquille O'Neal! Are you serious!

John Ashcroft: Yes! We learned that he was in a Middle Eastern-flavored movie, entitled "Kazaam!" I watched this film last week, and from what I can gather, it is some kind of terrorist training video!

Chris Matthews: How about it, Rebecca DeWitt? Should we be throwing genie-portrayed basketball players in jail?

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, every society needs police. But who will police the police? My idea: terrorists! Give the terorists guns and badges, and the ability to arrest law enforcement and military personnel. That way, there are checks and balances.

Chris Matthews: Dear Lord. Belefonte! Hit me with a quick one!

Harry Belefonte: The war in Iraq is in a minstrel show!

Chris Matthews: Fantastic! Another!

Harry Belefonte: Winston Churchill was a house Negro!

Chris Matthews: One more time!

Harry Belefonte: Poodles are the black man of the dog world!

Chris Matthews: Whoa-oa! [ laughs uproariously ] I'm never gonna get tired of this! Final thoughts, Mr. Ashcroft! Whom in this country can truly be safe?

John Ashcroft: Every American citizen. Every man, woman and child has a bar code tattooed on their neck, and a chip in their head that responds to this remote control! [ holds up remote control ]

Chris Matthews: Jiminy Christmas! Rebecca DeWitt!

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, if you bake one cake, it doesn't make you a baker; if you paint one painting, it doesn't make you a painter; but if you blow up one embassy, it automatically makes you a terrorist! [ laughing ] It's hypocritical!

Chris Matthews: That just might be the dumbest thing I ever heard! Harry Belefonte! don't let me down!

Harry Belefonte: Pokemon is a slave trader; Pikachu is a slave master!

Chris Matthews: [ singing ] "Craz-o. Cra-a-az-o. Belafonte is a crazy mofo!" [ laughs ] Join us tomorrow, when Shaquille O'Neal joins us live via satelite from a prison at Guantanamo Bay! I'm Chris Matthews! Dabba da "Hahbah"!

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to "Hardball", I'm Chris Matthews. Fighting rages on in the middle East, Yassar Arafat has locked himself in his paic room, Prime Minister Sharon has a boner for bulldozers, and the hottest-selling Spring accessory in the West Bank is a fishing vest that ticks! These people are nuts! They're Looney Tunes! They say the want peace, they keep blowing things up, and bush's solution is to head for Crawford, Texas and play with cows! Should the U.S. intervene, or should they let the whole middle East turn into an episode of "Battlebots"! Joining me today, House Majority Leader Dick Armey!

Dick Armey: Nice to be here, Chris. The thing that strikes me is -

Chris Matthews: Whoa! The hell do you think you're doing! It's not the Dick Armey Fun-Time Chat Hour? It's Hardball, zip it! Also joining us, former Democrat pollster Pat Caddell!

Pat Caddell: [ mumbly ] Hello, Chris. Can I say something right off the bat?

Chris Matthews: I don't know, can you?

Pat Caddell: Okay, may I?

Chris Matthews: No, you may not! Ha! It's an oldie but a goodie, but it's still funny! Finally, an old friend of ours, he moved over to CNN, but we love having him back here! Always great to have him on the show, former Clinton advisor Paul Begalia!

Paul Begalia: Thaks, Chris! It's very nice of you to have me here -

Chris Matthews: Shut your muppet mouth, Begalia! You shut your mouth, or I swear to God, I'll come over there and beat you so hard your dog will be retarded!

Paul Begalia: Now, Chris, do we have to start things off so negatively?

Chris Matthews: I'm sorry, Begalia, it's a force of habit! What's the solution to this mess in the Middle East! We're gonna start with representative Penis Navy!

[ SUPER on Dick Armey: "Penis Navy" ]

Dick Armey: [ stunned ] It's Dick Armey, Chris, you know that.

Chris Matthews: Whatever! Just talk!

Dick Armey: The Palestinians and Israelis have lost their moral center. We need to remind the Arab and Jewish worlds of what's really important - the Bible anf Jesus Christ.

Paul Begalia: Chris, that is ludicrous!

Chris Matthews: Jimmy Neutron, you got a comment!

Paul Begalia: Call me crazy -

Chris Matthews: Okay, you're a bonehead!

Paul Begalia: I said call me crazy..

Chris Matthews: I know, but I think you're a bonehead!

Paul Begalia: Hey. Anyway, I don't think studying the New Testement is gonna solve this problem. It's exactly that kind of cultural misunderstading that has led to all this trouble.

Chris Matthews: It may be true, Begalia, but take a look at this!

[ show doctored photo of Paul Begalia in compromising position with ]

Paul Begalia: Hey, that's not real! Where did you get that?!

Chris Matthews: [ laughing ] That's the Adobe Photoshop! I also have one of Bobo Fett's head on my body, it's awesome! Pat Caddell, news polls say that the U.S. supports Israel's right to protect itself, but we also want them to back out of the West Bank! Do you and your irregular beard have a solution that'll please everyone!

Pat Caddell: Chris, they can't divide up the West Bank, why don't they award joint custody? Israel gets it on weekdays, Palestinians get it on weekends. Of course, Palenstinians will probably let the West Bank stay up late and eat junk food, so that the West Bank will think Palenstine is cooler. That's the way it worked when my parents split up.

Chris Matthews: Why don't you zip it, you bearded freak! Tell that stuff to your shrink, not to the fifty people who watch this show! It's time to take an e-mail question! Cam Vincent of Philadelphia writes: "Dear Chris, please stop shouting. I had the TV on mute, but you're still so loud you woke up my kid." Cry me a river, Cam! I'll stop shouting when I wanna stop shouting! And I don't ever wanna stop shouting! The question remains: Should the U.S. intervene or what! Weiner Air Force!

Dick Armey: [ outraged ] It's Dick Armey! It's Dick Armey! Chris, we have to get tough with the Arab world. We have to institute more prayer in their schools. We have to get them saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. And if that doesn't work, we simply take over the West Bank and name it America II. We can use it for storage.

Chris Matthews: What about that, Pat Caddell! Should we conquer the West Bank and turn it into a huge garage!

Pat Caddell: Chris, these recent polls show that the U.S. people support Israel, but want them to back out. And they support U.S. intervention, but oppose U.S. loss of life. So what they want is a terminally indestructable American cyborgs to patrol an Israel that can do whatever it wants, and an independent Palestine without anyone affecting anyone else.

Chris Matthews: [ sighs ] The people have spoken, and they're morons! Time for final thoughts. Vagina Coast Guard!

Dick Armey: Come on! It's Dick Armey! Look! Chris, there's only one thing I know about this whole situation - once America II is up and running, we can start getting people psyched for America III: The korean Adventure!

Chris Matthews: Paul Begalia, you weird little garden gnome! Do you have anything left to say!

Paul Begalia: Chris, I agreed -

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: - to come back -

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: - on this show -

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: - and you've been nothing -

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: - but hostile - Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: - ever since I got here -

Chris Matthews: Yeah, shut up, you're done! If they made a bobble-headed doll out of you, they'd have to make your head smaller! When we come back, I'm gonna call that e-mail guy's kid on the phone and i'm gonna shout at him! You're watching "Hardball"!

Bill O'Reilly: Hello, everybody, I'm Bill O'Reilly, thank you for watching The Factor. Our top story tonight: Was bankrupt energy giant Enron responsible for the power shortage last year that rocked California? My next guest says no, it was the "environmentalists". He's Thomas Woodward, an attorney with the American Enterprise Institute. Mr. Woodward, thanks for coming on The Factor.

Thomas Woodward: My pleasure, Bill.

Bill O'Reilly: Now, uh, Mr. Woodward, in your article, you say that environmentalists simply refuse to acknowledge California's growing need for electricity.

Thomas Woodward: That's right.

Bill O'Reilly: You also say that California has more people than any other state. I say New York State has more people - tell me where I'm wrong!

Thomas Woodward: [ confused ] Um.. well.. Bill.. actually, California is the most populous state.

Bill O'Reilly: I don't know, Counselor. I live in New York, and I walk down the streets every day, and there's people everywhere! You can't move! You know what I mean? Last week, I was in California, went to the beach in Malibu. Nobody! Practically empty. So, for my money, New York's got more people. Probably New Jersey, too.

Thomas Woodward: Well, Bill, your own experience nonwithstanding, each of the last four censuses has clearly shown -

Bill O'Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, not buying it! Not buying it!

Thomas Woodward: Bill, I swear to you, California is our largest state!

Bill O'Reilly: Look, Mr. Woodward, you've got your opinion, I've got mine. We're not gonna settle this tonight.

Thomas Woodward: Actually, we could setlle this tonight! Do you have an almanac?

Bill O'Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, nice try. But I'll give you the last word.

Thomas Woodward: Is there someone else here I could talk to?

Bill O'Reilly: Thanks for coming on The Factor.

Next up on The Factor, our Unresolved Problem segment. Once again, the ongoing saga of San Francisco Giants slugger, Barry Bonds. As you know, Mr. Bonds has repeatedly claimed that, during the 2001 baseball season, he hit 73 home runs. We here at The Factor very much doubt this. We even invited him on the show to argue his case, but he keeps ducking us! Mr. Bonds, by your continued refusal to appear on The Factor and take the heat, you have proven that you're not only a liar, but a coward as well. And even if you had hit 73 home runs, it's still a far cry from the 755 Hank Aaron hit in 1974. And that's tonight's Unresolved Problems.

Now, in our Back of the Book segment: Is human activity really changing Earth's atmosphere? Our next guest thinks so. She's Susan van Etten, Professor of Environmental Sciences at Tulane University. Miss van Etten, thanks for coming on The Factor.

Susan van Etten: Thank you, Bill.

Bill O'Reilly: Now, when you say greenhouse gasses, what are we talking about here.

Susan van Etten: Well, principally, Bill, carbon dioxide or CO2 -

Bill O'Reilly: Hold it, hold it, Professor! CO2?

Susan van Etten: Yes. Bill, you see, as the result of most industrial processes, carbon combines with oxygen.

Bill O'Reilly: Oh, sorry, Professor, not buying it. I know that's a byline, but I'm just not buying it. You've got carbon, you've got oxygen. And my gut tells me, when push comes to shove, oxygen is just not gonna combine with a carbon. I don't care what you do to the carbon!

Susan van Etten: Well.. Bill.. under intense heat, carbon does -

Bill O'Reilly: Sorry, Professor, I just don't buy it! But let's move on. You say in your piece that greenhouse gasses have been found on the top of Mount Everest.

Susan van Etten: That's correct.

Bill O'Reilly: You also say that Mount Everest is the world's tallest mountain peak. I say the world's tallest peak is Space Mountain - tell me where I'm wrong!

Susan van Etten: [ stunned ] Space Mountain?

Bill O'Reilly: Space Mountain! In the Pocano Mountain Range, part of Joshua Tree National Park in Alaska? Where am I wrong?

Susan van Etten: Okay.. um.. first of all, Space Mountain is not a mountain. I beleive it's a roller coaster. Also, the Pocano Mountains are in Pennsylvania, and are not part of any national park, least of all Joshua Tree National Park, which has mountains. And it's in California, not Alaska.

Bill O'Reilly: Hey, have you ever been to Alaska, Professor?

Susan van Etten: Bill, I was just explaining -

Bill O'Reilly: I'm sorry, Professor! I asked you a simple question: Have you ever been to Alaska?

Susan van Etten: [ meekly ] No.

Bill O'Reilly: Well, I appreciate you're coming on The Factor. And I'll give you the last word.

Susan van Etten: Uh..

[ time's up ]

Bill O'Reilly: And now for a look at our Viewer Mail, about a story on overcrowding in kindergarten classrooms.

Janet Miller of Park City, Utah writes: "Bill, normally I'm a fan of 'The Factor's' hard hitting style, but your interview with the five-year old girl about class size was a little too rough. Telling her she was 'out of her mind' was simply uncalled for."

Janet, here at The Factor, we pull no punches, When you come on the show, you gotta know that.

Ed Gekas, Emhurst, Illinois: "Bill, your tough, incisive questions had that five year old girl squirming. The bottom line is, you had the facts. She didn't."

And finally, Paul Jemino of Islip, New York writes: "Bill, even though the girl hurt her case by crying, she was right, and you were wrong. Albany, not New York City, is the capital of New York State."

Well, Paul, I thank you for watching. But I still say New York City is the state capital. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

And finally, our Most Ridiculous Item of the Day: This week, Congress voted $1.2 million of your tax dollars to the University of Iowa to study breast cancer! Come on! Don't study it, guys. Cure it! Ridiculous! [ laughs ] Well, that's all the time we have for The Factor. As always, we thank you for watching. I'm Bill O'Reilly. Good night.

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