Chris Matthews.....Darrell Hammond John Ashcroft.....Sen. John McCain Rebecca DeWitt.....Rachel Dratch Harry Belefonte.....Tracy Morgan
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to "Hardball", I'm Chris Matthews! One quick program note: next week, the Hardball College Tour continues when we come to you live from Bob Jones University with Special Guest: Coolio! The topic that night's gonna be tax reform! But today, we're talking about homeland security! Al-Quaeda's chatter's is revving up again, people in Maryland have to wear a Kevlar vest every time they go to a gas station, and every town from Buffalo to Portland's sticky with terrorists! The only security the office of homeland security provides is the security of knowing I can't go outside without browning my pants! When I get scared, I shout! And when I shout, I get scared! Are we safer today than we were pre-9/11? Joining us today: Associate Director for the ACLU, Rebecca DeWitt!
Rebecca DeWitt: Hello, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Bor-ing! Also joining us: Attorney General of the United States, John Ashcroft!
John Ashcroft: [ somewhat gruff ] Thanks for having me, Chris.
Chris Matthews: I had to! I was afraid you'd arrest me and put me in a camp! And, finally: he made headlines last week when he called Colin Powell a sell-out, comparing him to a slave serving his master, Harry Belefonte! Harry, welcome!
Harry Belefonte: Welcome? Welcome? What are you, some kind of slave master?
Chris Matthews: Aw, Belefonte! Crazy, right off the bat! I love it! Attorney General, we're gonna start with you! How do we make this country feel safe again?
John Ashcroft: Chris. Security starts with vigilence. As Americans, we will never truly be free. Until each and every one of us is afraid of being throw in a jail. But thanks to the Tips program, we've been able to detain tens of thousands of potential American terrorists for months at a time, for little or no reason. Just like the Founding Fathers dreamed!
Chris Matthews: Rebecca DeWitt, what Ashcroft just said was pretty crazy - can you beat it?!
Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, we're living in a police state. Most of the people detained under Mr. Ashcroft's orders haven't been charged with a crime or given access to legal counsel. The Taliban prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are being denied their basic human rights. They can't practice their religion, they're not allowed access to their weapons, they can't even confer with their terrorist leader! It's appalling!
Chris Matthews: Wow! An impressive display of insanity!
Harry Belefonte, keep this crazy train rolling!
Harry Belefonte: Chris, I'm gonna say something that a lot of people are afraid to say: Osama bin Laden is a Uncle Tom!
Chris Matthews: [ shaking his head with wonder ] Good God! I can't even figure out who that's offensive to! Mr. Ashcroft, what plans does the Justice Department have to make our country safer?
John Ashcroft: We’ve got some real great stuff in the works. There's one plan that would make the Arab language, or anything that sounds like it, illegal. In addition, we've gone back into ten years of old files to traxk down terrorist sleeper agents! Foremost amongst them: Shaquille O'Neal.
Chris Matthews: [ chuckling ] Shaquille O'Neal! Are you serious!
John Ashcroft: Yes! We learned that he was in a Middle Eastern-flavored movie, entitled "Kazaam!" I watched this film last week, and from what I can gather, it is some kind of terrorist training video!
Chris Matthews: How about it, Rebecca DeWitt? Should we be throwing genie-portrayed basketball players in jail?
Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, every society needs police. But who will police the police? My idea: terrorists! Give the terorists guns and badges, and the ability to arrest law enforcement and military personnel. That way, there are checks and balances.
Chris Matthews: Dear Lord. Belefonte! Hit me with a quick one!
Harry Belefonte: The war in Iraq is in a minstrel show!
Chris Matthews: Fantastic! Another!
Harry Belefonte: Winston Churchill was a house Negro!
Chris Matthews: One more time!
Harry Belefonte: Poodles are the black man of the dog world!
Chris Matthews: Whoa-oa! [ laughs uproariously ] I'm never gonna get tired of this! Final thoughts, Mr. Ashcroft! Whom in this country can truly be safe?
John Ashcroft: Every American citizen. Every man, woman and child has a bar code tattooed on their neck, and a chip in their head that responds to this remote control! [ holds up remote control ]
Chris Matthews: Jiminy Christmas! Rebecca DeWitt!
Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, if you bake one cake, it doesn't make you a baker; if you paint one painting, it doesn't make you a painter; but if you blow up one embassy, it automatically makes you a terrorist! [ laughing ] It's hypocritical!
Chris Matthews: That just might be the dumbest thing I ever heard! Harry Belefonte! don't let me down!
Harry Belefonte: Pokemon is a slave trader; Pikachu is a slave master!
Chris Matthews: [ singing ] "Craz-o. Cra-a-az-o. Belafonte is a crazy mofo!" [ laughs ] Join us tomorrow, when Shaquille O'Neal joins us live via satelite from a prison at Guantanamo Bay! I'm Chris Matthews! Dabba da "Hahbah"!
Dick Armey: Nice to be here, Chris. The thing that strikes me is -
Chris Matthews: Whoa! The hell do you think you're doing! It's not the Dick Armey Fun-Time Chat Hour? It's Hardball, zip it! Also joining us, former Democrat pollster Pat Caddell!
Pat Caddell: [ mumbly ] Hello, Chris. Can I say something right off the bat?
Chris Matthews: I don't know, can you?
Pat Caddell: Okay, may I?
Chris Matthews: No, you may not! Ha! It's an oldie but a goodie, but it's still funny! Finally, an old friend of ours, he moved over to CNN, but we love having him back here! Always great to have him on the show, former Clinton advisor Paul Begalia!
Paul Begalia: Thaks, Chris! It's very nice of you to have me here -
Chris Matthews: Shut your muppet mouth, Begalia! You shut your mouth, or I swear to God, I'll come over there and beat you so hard your dog will be retarded!
Paul Begalia: Now, Chris, do we have to start things off so negatively?
Chris Matthews: I'm sorry, Begalia, it's a force of habit! What's the solution to this mess in the Middle East! We're gonna start with representative Penis Navy!
[ SUPER on Dick Armey: "Penis Navy" ]
Dick Armey: [ stunned ] It's Dick Armey, Chris, you know that.
Chris Matthews: Whatever! Just talk!
Dick Armey: The Palestinians and Israelis have lost their moral center. We need to remind the Arab and Jewish worlds of what's really important - the Bible anf Jesus Christ.
Paul Begalia: Chris, that is ludicrous!
Chris Matthews: Jimmy Neutron, you got a comment!
Paul Begalia: Call me crazy -
Chris Matthews: Okay, you're a bonehead!
Paul Begalia: I said call me crazy..
Chris Matthews: I know, but I think you're a bonehead!
Paul Begalia: Hey. Anyway, I don't think studying the New Testement is gonna solve this problem. It's exactly that kind of cultural misunderstading that has led to all this trouble.
Chris Matthews: It may be true, Begalia, but take a look at this!
[ show doctored photo of Paul Begalia in compromising position with ]
Paul Begalia: Hey, that's not real! Where did you get that?!
Chris Matthews: [ laughing ] That's the Adobe Photoshop! I also have one of Bobo Fett's head on my body, it's awesome! Pat Caddell, news polls say that the U.S. supports Israel's right to protect itself, but we also want them to back out of the West Bank! Do you and your irregular beard have a solution that'll please everyone!
Pat Caddell: Chris, they can't divide up the West Bank, why don't they award joint custody? Israel gets it on weekdays, Palestinians get it on weekends. Of course, Palenstinians will probably let the West Bank stay up late and eat junk food, so that the West Bank will think Palenstine is cooler. That's the way it worked when my parents split up.
Chris Matthews: Why don't you zip it, you bearded freak! Tell that stuff to your shrink, not to the fifty people who watch this show! It's time to take an e-mail question! Cam Vincent of Philadelphia writes: "Dear Chris, please stop shouting. I had the TV on mute, but you're still so loud you woke up my kid." Cry me a river, Cam! I'll stop shouting when I wanna stop shouting! And I don't ever wanna stop shouting! The question remains: Should the U.S. intervene or what! Weiner Air Force!
Dick Armey: [ outraged ] It's Dick Armey! It's Dick Armey! Chris, we have to get tough with the Arab world. We have to institute more prayer in their schools. We have to get them saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. And if that doesn't work, we simply take over the West Bank and name it America II. We can use it for storage.
Chris Matthews: What about that, Pat Caddell! Should we conquer the West Bank and turn it into a huge garage!
Pat Caddell: Chris, these recent polls show that the U.S. people support Israel, but want them to back out. And they support U.S. intervention, but oppose U.S. loss of life. So what they want is a terminally indestructable American cyborgs to patrol an Israel that can do whatever it wants, and an independent Palestine without anyone affecting anyone else.
Chris Matthews: [ sighs ] The people have spoken, and they're morons! Time for final thoughts. Vagina Coast Guard!
Dick Armey: Come on! It's Dick Armey! Look! Chris, there's only one thing I know about this whole situation - once America II is up and running, we can start getting people psyched for America III: The korean Adventure!
Chris Matthews: Paul Begalia, you weird little garden gnome! Do you have anything left to say!
Paul Begalia: Chris, I agreed -
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begalia: - to come back -
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begalia: - on this show -
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begalia: - and you've been nothing -
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begalia: - but hostile - Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begalia: - ever since I got here -
Chris Matthews: Yeah, shut up, you're done! If they made a bobble-headed doll out of you, they'd have to make your head smaller! When we come back, I'm gonna call that e-mail guy's kid on the phone and i'm gonna shout at him! You're watching "Hardball"!