Need advice regarding our 13-year-old daughter(vanity)

self | 9/14/02 | self

[rudy45]

I would appreciate insight into a situation we are facing.

Our 13-year-old (going on 21) daughter is the focus of attention of a 14-year-old boy. We are in the same church as the other family. Our daughter and the boy are in the same youth group.

This boy is giving our daughter more attention than we would like, via phone calls and instant messenger chats.

I'm concerned that telling our daughter to "back away" will simply make the boy seem more attractive. Therefore, I think our other option is to talk to the boy's parents, and ask them to talk to their son. I would think that approach is better than talking to the boy directly. What about talking to the youth group leader?

Or, how about reading "Guns and Ammo" in view of the boy (just kidding)

Please offer your insight and suggestions. Thanks.

[AppyPappy]

As for the boy, at least he is in church and apparently in a Christian home.

I wouldn't assume that

I teach Teens in Sunday School. My next lesson is on Purity. Purity is a state of mind and it is not dependent on virginity alone. Purity means that kids understand the problems they face and decide on a path to approach those problems. For instance, don't dress like a whore. I realize there is little non-whore teen clothing but a teen who respects Purity will approach their clothing with a more discerning eye. Parents will approach their clothing with the same eye towards Purity. Of course, Purity is more than just clothing but you get the concept.

Parents should make sure their kids understand the concept of Purity and how it permeates their life.

[galt-jw]

whatever you want her to do, act the opposite way. I am not kidding. If you let her find out things on her own, you will fare better. If you forbid her to see him, etc, you will polarize her into doing just that, and set yourself up as the enemy, and cause resentment.

[Mr. Mojo]

A restraining order could be used if necessary.

A restraining order against an innocent 14 year old boy for the crime of (very common) puppy love? Ridiculous. ...And it sounds to me like this isn't a one way street --- the girl is probably just as infatuated with the boy as he is with her. As long as both sets of parents talk to their kids extensively about the dangers of sex at this age, and make damn sure it doesn't happen, I don't see a problem with their relationship.

[glock rocks]

Invite him around the family. Size him up. Do something your daughter (and the family) really enjoy so she'll notice if he's bored or doesn't fit in. She'll really be grossed out if he "disses" what she loves to do.

this presupposes you have a good relationship with your daughter, and that the boy
lives indoors and actually has a "family" et cetera... which the child in this instance seems to...

LOL... this is such fun... follow with me (welcome to my nightmare)...

okay, some suggest talking to the boy's parents... like they know what their son (hey, he's just being a boy) is doing...
or further, like he's going to understand what the heck his folks are saying about what
you, the girl's parents said about what the girl and the boy were.... AAAAAAGGGHhhh. ya with me, so far?

okay, so now you find that this is no time to finally develop a loving one on one relationship with your daughter.

you don't have one? sorry, i've got no help for ya.

if you do, however, the answer is at the start of this post, in italics. it involves no coercion, no bravo sierra...
it's just right. kudos, humidston, from an honorary mean mommy.

[Mfkmmof4]

I am in the same position but after talking with the family and having the young man over to my house on many occasions I have great respect for both the family and the fella. Both families are concerned with protecting their innocence and the kids are having a ball. I decided instead of saying she cannot see him it had to be at my house and with groups or else they would have snuck around. After 2 months things are great!!

[Texas Mom]

I wouldn't get too upset, unless he has some obvious character flaws.. Make the rules. No dating, she only sees him at school and church. She can't talk on the phone till her homework is finished and then for a certain length of time and no phone calls during dinner or family time. Make the rules and stick to them. She will think you're the meanest dad in the world but that's okay. You're the dad.

My son went through this with his 13 year old daughter last year and it about drove him nuts. I think it is something about Dad's and their little girls. Her 'romance' lasted about 3 months.

[Texas Mom]

Tell your daughter how much you LOVE the boy. Teenage rebellion will kick in and she'll dump him.

LOL! That is so true and for the sons as well.( I had two teenage boys at the same time.)

Believe me, the boys parents worry too and are concerned about the young love thing.

[Pablo64]

Get her a copy of the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", by Josh Harris and then read through it with her. I'll tell you up front that this book is written from a Christian perspective (since I don't know you personally I wouldn't want you to get mad if you bought and didn't care for that kind of perspective).

Also, try to remember that you are her parents, and she is therefore subject to your rules (which is so unpopular with todays teens), and if the instant messages, etc., keep coming after you've asked for them to stop, then unplug the computer. If she absolutely "needs" to go online for some school work, have her do it in a room where you are present.

I teach the teen Sunday School group at our church and we are going to be discussing some of these very issues in the near future and I will be using material from that book. I feel I'm getting a lot of good prep for my own kids since they are still a few years away from being teens. Good luck. You can do it!

[Pablo64]

Just read your post again and realized that you probably won't be offended by Josh Harris' book. I must still be half asleep this morning!!

[southerngrit]

My husband and I faced the same problem over the summer with our 14 year old daughter and the boy who lives directly across the street. She's the baby in the family and her daddy didn't like some adolescent ogling her one little bit! The boy's parents joined us in chaperoning their activities and never, EVER allowing the kids to be together alone. Both families included the other kid in family outings, backyard barbeques, activities, etc. They were allowed to watch movies in the den in the evenings with someone else always in the room. My husband cultivated the young man and spent lots of time talking man to man. The boy's Mom took our daughter shopping, etc.

Bottom line - after 3-4 months, both decided they needed more time with other friends. In this instance, we got lucky - no feud with the neighbors and two kids who are still good friends, though over the puppy love phase.

My advice to you would be to watch the situation very closely. Young girls thrive on drama - if you overreact, she will, also. You run the risk of making the drama the main theme, not her feelings for this young man. Limit the amount of time she is allowed to spend with the guy. Enforce curfews. Keep your eyes and ears open. Most likely, she'll get bored. Right now, she is probably flattered by the attention.

I wish you the best of luck.

[BigDaddyTX]

I like this approach rather than cleaning guns or showing him your gun collection.

Tell him how much she means to you and that you'll forever do ANYTHING to protect her. Then simply look into his eyes with a cold blank stare (helps to point your cigarette right between his eyes, even if you're not a smoker) and say "I ain't got no problem going BACK to prison".

[Movemout]

I've raised two boys and two girls. They have pissed me off on countless ocassions. But I trust their judgement. She knows what makes sense and what doesn't.

[ninenot]

We are blessed (!?!?) with seven daughters, oldest of them now 24. I have deliberately cleaned my 9mm H&K at the kitchen table when EACH of them brought home a new boyfriend. You would be amazed at the looks I get. Of course the girls (all of whom know how to shoot) view the boys' response as a test...Happy to report that I have not used the H&K for other than punching holes in paper to date.

As to the 'attention:' my first reaction is to let it continue. All kids that age are generally quite innocent, despite what you may have heard, and unless you have good reason to believe that the boy is pushing the envelope beyond 'hi, who are you, I am XXX' (and I mean WAY beyond that,) the 'relationship' will probably evaporate within one year.

As to the inevitable "He wants to take me to the movie," you obviously determine that the movie is OK--Bambi, for example, and then slyly arrange that one of your OTHER children will accompany them. Makes almost NO difference how old the sibling is. It will suffice to have one there.

Hate to say it, but she's growing up. Let her.

[notpoliticallycorewrecked]

See post 38.

[Happygal]

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

*LOL*...that one is great! :-)

[ninenot]

this s--ks and that s---ks.

In my experience this term is used almost exclusively with the meaning that "this is awful." I would be VERY surprised if they thought of the Clintonian meaning, or even KNEW about it....

[ninenot]

Father, I think there is some irony in the rule. "When finished with you is a sly way of saying 'my daughter comes first and you are merely a Kleenex she pulled out of the box.'

Haven't seen you on the site for a while. Hope things are going well.

[mn12]

His e-mail and IM comments consistently talk about how this s--ks and that s---ks. We believe his attitude is being adopted by our daughter.

And you're saying he is a bad influence because of...that? The worst he's done that you know of is to say something sucks? Compared to most of my peers I remember from when I was 13, that's nothing!

[whenigettime]

The restraining order.... only IF necessary.. big emphasis on IF.

Certainly what needs to be occuring (sp) is a great relationship between mom and dad and their daughter. I can't say exactly what I will do when faced with a similar situation except that I hope and pray our children will come to us about another's advances. Dating till 35 (as mentioned by someone on this thread) is a great idea!

[JediGirl]

I would have called the police on you. You're a real man for going to a 17 year old's house and threatening him with a baseball bat.