Need advice regarding our 13-year-old daughter(vanity)

self | 9/14/02 | self

[rudy45]

I would appreciate insight into a situation we are facing.

Our 13-year-old (going on 21) daughter is the focus of attention of a 14-year-old boy. We are in the same church as the other family. Our daughter and the boy are in the same youth group.

This boy is giving our daughter more attention than we would like, via phone calls and instant messenger chats.

I'm concerned that telling our daughter to "back away" will simply make the boy seem more attractive. Therefore, I think our other option is to talk to the boy's parents, and ask them to talk to their son. I would think that approach is better than talking to the boy directly. What about talking to the youth group leader?

Or, how about reading "Guns and Ammo" in view of the boy (just kidding)

Please offer your insight and suggestions. Thanks.

[JediGirl]

haha, I remember last year messing up on that one. I put my head in my (now)ex's lap. Yikes. Awful mistake! My mom cried! I didn't really think about it though but it was totally unwise. Even holding hands was a big no-no in front of my parents.

[I_dmc]

re: There are 12 year old getting pregnant these days

I recall in '75 the scandal in the family (girlfriend's) when it was learned that a 12yr old girl and an 11yr old boy had produced a baby.

[JediGirl]

Yikes. One of my best friends in 6th grade lost her virginity when she was 11 to a 15 or 16 year old. She didn't end up pregnant, but it was quite a shock when she told me.

[DBtoo]

That sounds like a very sensible solution.

[DBtoo]

That is indeed a sad fact. But in reality they are in the minority.

[DBtoo]

Ouch!

[LanaTurnerOverdrive]

At the risk of being insulting, I must say that asking an online newsgroup - albeit an occasionally intelligent one - advice on how to deal with your daughters budding romantic life is, well, pathetic. This is a group of internet strangers that you have approached for something that is a profoundly poignant, not to mention private moment in your young daughters life. This is the strangest vanity post I've ever seen. Although you may trust our fellow FReepers due to their usually practical and logical views of world events, asking for this kind of advice in this forum is actually a bit disturbing. Good luck to you, and especially, to your daughter.

LanaTurnerOverdrive signed up on 2002-07-02

[Mo1]

Watch her like a hawk! And pray a lot too! Good luck and lots of prayers coming your way. Just remember, it's going to be this way for the next few years!

That just about sums it up .. and don't get caught because if she finds out that you don't trust her .. watch out!! .. PMS is not a good thing to deal with .. LOL

Oh and keep in good contact with other parents without your daughter finding out .. Took me years to figure out that little birdie that told my mother everything lived at the grocery story ..

My mom always finds out the best gossip when food shopping .. LOL

[JediGirl]

I'm inclined to agree. I'd be absolutely mortified if I found out one of my parents had done something like this and I'd very much dislike them for a very long time. I'd be too embarassed to ever talk to my parents and ask for advice for fear that the rest of the world would get to hear about it.

[itzmygun]

If your daughter is infatuated with the wrong things, the problem is with her, and separating her from the boy will not end it. It's not her fault, though, it's part of being a teenager in this era. From the beginning of time, children were considered adults at or about this age. When food was a little harder to come by, children had to learn responsibility at an early age. As soon as they were able, they helped their family in whatever way they could. Responsibility was placed on them - if you don't work, if you don't contribute, our family will suffer. By the time they were 13 or 14, they were more mature than most 20-year-olds today. This is the way God made the world.
But in the last century or so, things have been very different. The increased weath and technology has allowed us to pamper our children into their late teens. There is this belief that children should have a carefree life. "Let them be kids while they have a chance," sounds great, but nothing is learned without having to face some adversity.

So here is what we have: When children are 13 or 14, their bodies begin to tell them they are adults, yet we have not prepared them to become adults. Can you begin now? Not likely. Once this change takes place, it can't be undone.

What is the best thing to do? The same thing you should do when anything is out of your control. Trust in God. Trust him to protect her. Trust him to lead her down the right path. You can control her actions, but you cannot change what's in her heart. God can. I'm not saying to give her complete freedom or neglect her welfare, but you don't want to clamp down on her. For one thing, the boy has more power over her than you do at the moment. For another, you would be, in a sense, proclaiming that you could take care of the situation better than God could. And He has a way of making things rough for those who trust themselves before they trust Him (I'm sure you have read the story of Jonah).

Pray. Trust in God, and, with faith, ask him to protect her and guide her. What better hands could you place her in? Be patient. God says he is longsuffering and we should be too.

I am proof of this. I was raised in a very strict, Christian home. During my teens, I became very rebellious. I was willing to try or do anything as long as it was anti-authority. This attitude lasted into my mid to late 20s. But eventually, I realized that my parents had raised me right. I realized that the values they had tried to give me were the values that would profit me most. Now that I look back, I realize that God never left me during all those nasty years. Why? Not because of anything I did, that's for sure. I would say it's because he received some very sincere prayers from my Mother and Father.

As for the boy, at least he is in church and apparently in a Christian home. Believe me, you could do a lot worse. Don't let him be an outsider driving a wedge between you and your daughter. Make him a part of your family, even if it will only be temporary. Find out what makes him tick. He may only be talking that way to try to impress your daughter, and from what you have said, it seems to be working. He may not be a bad kid underneath. Or, like some have said, she may become sick of him very quickly.

[Glenn]

I don't mean to frighten you, but my 13 year old girlfriend became my wife 8 years later.

[The Duke]

Or, how about reading "Guns and Ammo" in view of the boy

Your story reminds me much of my own 13-year-old boy. And reading "Guns and Ammo" would be a great way to get the job done - because he'd drop her and ask to borrow your magazine! *G*

[calvin sun]

Best wishes. Being a parent is difficult. We have two daughters of our own. I wish you well.

[MomwithHope]

Good luck Rudy. Seriously you have enough reason for concern, I would talk to the boy's parents. They are the best ones to deal with it.

[Lunatic Fringe]

Tell your daughter how much you LOVE the boy. Teenage rebellion will kick in and she'll dump him.

[iconoclast]

Our 13-year-old (going on 21) daughter

Lucky you!

I've got a 36-year-old daughter going on 13.

[vikzilla]

My daughter was 14 when she started receiving advances from a 17 yr old boy. This was fine wtith her but not with me.

Eventually I was forced to go to his home. On Christmas Eve morning I arrived very early with a baseball bat with a ribbon on it.

He was informed that any further contact would result in him needing that baseball bat handy at all times. I'm 6'4"315lbs. It worked like a charm.

[Mr. K]

I have a simple solution- I told my 3 little angels they are not allowed to date until they are 35. (They all want to marry me anyway so I am not worried)

[Mr. K]

But seriously, if your 13 year old daughter is talking to you openly about it- consider yourself lucky and make sure you dont do anything to discourage that. No unsupervised 'date's at 13....You didnt say whether the attention is unwanted or if your daughter is participating... to many unknowns in your post.

But tell her she is the most pecious thing in the world to you and make sure she believes it- that is your best hope

[sonjay]

Something that I read or heard once long ago has stuck with me:

As a parent, when you set boundaries for your children, you provide them with a ready-made "excuse" to behave appropriately: "Oh, I could never do THAT! My parents would kill me!"

Your daughter may well want to behave as you would wish her to, and by making clear what YOUR boundaries are, you help her do just that.