Need advice regarding our 13-year-old daughter(vanity)

self | 9/14/02 | self

[rudy45]

I would appreciate insight into a situation we are facing.

Our 13-year-old (going on 21) daughter is the focus of attention of a 14-year-old boy. We are in the same church as the other family. Our daughter and the boy are in the same youth group.

This boy is giving our daughter more attention than we would like, via phone calls and instant messenger chats.

I'm concerned that telling our daughter to "back away" will simply make the boy seem more attractive. Therefore, I think our other option is to talk to the boy's parents, and ask them to talk to their son. I would think that approach is better than talking to the boy directly. What about talking to the youth group leader?

Or, how about reading "Guns and Ammo" in view of the boy (just kidding)

Please offer your insight and suggestions. Thanks.

[MissAmericanPie]

Puppy love, next week they will most likely hate each other. Have you talked to your daughter about pulling back and explaining to him that her parents are a little protective and complaining about the relationship?

[petuniasevan]

Just leave this attached to the boy's front door. :D

Ten Rules For Dating My Daughter



Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[whenigettime]

By all means speak to the boy's parents. If nothing happens, inform the boy that he is NOT to be pursuing your daughter. A restraining order could be used if necessary. Hopefully it won't get to that point. Asking your daughter to tell the boy anything will give the boy the wrong message.

[Vidalia]

Would you like a "black helicopter" intervention?

That has worked well with others who think they know better than anyone else...

[petuniasevan]

Seriously, this will probably blow over in no time.

(You, 3 months later) "Well, daughter, does Timmy still like you?"

(Rolls her eyes) "Oh, dad, that's SO OVER!"

[Demosthenes]

FYI...I was 14 when I had my first "steady girlfriend." My parents simply made certain that we were chaperoned everywhere together, since I couldn't drive. The only alone time we had was while in the movie theater, or at the mall, and if it wasn't a movie, we had one hour in the mall to shop and such. We just hung out, and never even made it to hand-holding. My folks didn't mind phone calls and such, provided I had all my homework and chores done, and provided I was in bed by a certain time every night.

I don't have kids of my own to advise you, so I'm telling you what my folks did.

[Camber-G]

Allow me to go back a few years to my first girlfriend ... we were both 13, about the ages of your daughter and the boy.

Her parents met my parents (a good thing), then became very nice to me ... inviting me out with their family to outings- the zoo, the waterpark, over for dinner, stuff like that.

As these things go when you're that age, after a month or so the girl and I both got tired of one another.

No big drama, no threats, no "guns and ammo" (ha ha). Don't get too worked up about it, play it cool and it'll fade out before you know it.

[whenigettime]

I like your ten rules of another way of saying "hell no, you are not going to date my daughter". This is one to keep on hand.

[bybybill]

Hope you did a good job with her ten years ago cause its really tough to teach values now. We gave our guys tight rules,[telephone time, study time, drop dead times they HAD to be home], and a lot of freedom so long as they stayed inside those rules. When they broke a rule, they always paid, we never compromised. It worked, and I`m blessed with three great friends who are now raising their own families. Did they do stuff I didn`t know about? You bet they did, after all they didn`t fall to far from the tree.

Good luck, trust your girl, and enjoy this time of your life, it goes fast

[Camber-G]

LOL ... that is a real keeper ! I'm 22 now and probably won't be needing it for quite awhile, but I hope it survives on my hard disk (or whatever the technical equivalent is fifteen or twenty years from now) until then.

[notpoliticallycorewrecked]

I have some questions:

1.Is this attention unwanted by you or by your daughter? Big difference.

2. In the email letters is he asking about homework and stuff about the school football game or he is asking her how she feels about kissing and is she going steady?

3. Do you know that parents of this kid? Just the fact that they attend the same church is a goood sign.

[RLK]

Tell your daughter that she is not to date anyone until she is 16 years old and has sufficient life experience (to catch up with her hermones). At that point point she may begin attending group social activities.

[InvisibleChurch]

most likely this 'romance' will burn itself out... the bright side (if there can ever be one with teen romance) is that she is involved with a boy from your own church ... you probably know what kind of character this boy has, assuming he is a decent kid + it will make it easier to keep an eye on both of them (maybe ask the youth group leader to keep an eye on the situation)... my daughter turns 13 in a year and i get a little queezy thinking about young love...i don't envy your situation...please let me know how it turns out

God's blessings to you and your girl

[A_perfect_lady]

Let me say right away that I don't have children. BUT IF I DID... I would watch and wait quietly until I was certain this boy was a real threat. Notice, I say threat, as in hound dog. Then I would pretend everything was fine till I had the boy alone.

"Touch her and I'll kill you. No, I mean really. Kill. You."

Later, when daughter says something like "Did you tell Chad you'd kill him?!?" Say, "No, sweetie, oh good lord where did you ever... did he...??? What a strange boy! Oh goodness I would never... why I.... well. He might be a little odd, don't you think?"

petuniaseven's list is a good back up plan.

[DBtoo]

If you tell your daughter the boy is off limits, it could backfire and make him more attractive to her. I think the best thing would be to talk to the boy's parents. It most likely will pass as they are both still young teens. Real problems of that sort could start to occur in 2 to 3 years!

When I was in high school, I had a good friend named Kathy. When we were 16, she had a boyfreind who was 18. Her parents were livid over it and the more they tried to keep Kathy away from him the more it seemed she liked him. They ended up dating for about 3 or 4 years, and then she met someone else. It was all very dramatic though. She'd even sneak out of her house to meet him at night! Other times she'd tell her parents she was at my house with me which made me nervous because I didn't want them to become angry with me. She grew up though and split up with the guy, and then met someone else and married some years later.

[rudy45]

She does welcome the attention, and is returning it (unfortunately). I realize that young people can change, but right now the boy is none too impressive. His e-mail and IM comments consistently talk about how this s--ks and that s---ks. We believe his attitude is being adopted by our daughter.

[RLK]

It should be made a universal constant in this culture to assert there is a period during which mental maturity must catch up with physical maturity. During that time, adult or pre-adult activities are not to be engaged in. That activity includes dating.

[Dinsdale]

Be gratefull she is not infatuated with a 20 year old.

14 year olds are'nt that much of a threat, he would'nt know what to do with her in any case. At most he has a tab A into slot B understanding of sex and absolutely no understanding of romantic love.

Your interferance can only make him more attractive to her. Unless you decide you really like the boy, that will make him an instant leper in your daughters eyes.

[rudy45]

Thanks. I just had a brilliant idea: what about inviting the boy to join us on a family event, or even have him over for dinner? Maybe we're wrong about him, and he will behave well. Or, maybe his boorishness will become evident to all.