Need advice regarding our 13-year-old daughter(vanity)

self | 9/14/02 | self

[rudy45]

I would appreciate insight into a situation we are facing.

Our 13-year-old (going on 21) daughter is the focus of attention of a 14-year-old boy. We are in the same church as the other family. Our daughter and the boy are in the same youth group.

This boy is giving our daughter more attention than we would like, via phone calls and instant messenger chats.

I'm concerned that telling our daughter to "back away" will simply make the boy seem more attractive. Therefore, I think our other option is to talk to the boy's parents, and ask them to talk to their son. I would think that approach is better than talking to the boy directly. What about talking to the youth group leader?

Or, how about reading "Guns and Ammo" in view of the boy (just kidding)

Please offer your insight and suggestions. Thanks.

[JediGirl]

Absolutely. It's very common and when kids today use it they aren't talking about the Clintonian meaning, in fact, when I was using it at 12, I didn't KNOW that's what it meant....somebody told me when i was about 13 or 14 that's what it meant. It's simple being used to say 'this stinks'. It's made its way into the language now without any real sexual meaning anymore.

[MadIvan]

I would suggest a bit of reverse psychology, based on what occured with my younger sister, and my father doing something extremely clever.

If you are friends with the family of the boy, play it up. Ask your daughter about the boy, using terms such as "How is that fine young man, (insert name)."

Trust me, there is nothing more discouraging to a teenage girl than a parental endorsement. My father did this to a boy he particularly didn't like, and it worked like a charm. My sister still hasn't figured it out, many years later. ;)

Regards, Ivan

[tutstar]

bump

[MissAmericanPie]

Awwww, Daddy's girls. I love it. You are a good man.

[budwiesest]

Take away the toothbrush, combs, deodorant and stop doing the laundry.

If the dude doesn't leave (skidmarks in the driveway) she could tryout as Alannis Morreset (sp?) for MTV.

[verity]

". I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me"

Bwahahaha!

[Desparado]

They are probably right that this will wear off in a few weeks; but for future reference, one rule that was rock solid in our house was NO BOYS who were older than our daughter were allowed to have anything to do with her except socially i.e. at youth group etc. No phome calls, no movies, no nothing if the guy wasn't the same age as our daughter. This rule, once accepted, worked very well throughout high school. Now she is in college doing very well, and we defer more to her judgement for the most part. By the way... don't believe that stuff about them not knowing what to do at 14. That could come back to bite you BIG TIME!!!

[galt-jw]

no kidding. .38 beats baseball bat every time. fat guys who think they are tough are usually bullies.

[WhirlwindAttack]

Your interferance can only make him more attractive to her. Unless you decide you really like the boy, that will make him an instant leper in your daughters eyes.

I like to shoot watermelons in front of the boys. It makes quite an impression.
The real threats get the buddy treatment and I let them see the toys in my garage.
So far the gear head angle has nipped a couple of potential's in the bud
If you have a grease monkey daughter this tack might not be quite so effective.

FReegards

[freedox]

"This boy is giving our daughter more attention than we would like...."

I guess the question here is, how much attention WOULD you like for this (or any) boy to be giving your daughter? Is this a matter of genuine concern for your daughter's wellbeing, or this just a father's normal feeling of panic over his little girl growing up? Is the boy's behavior dangerously predatory, or is it just an awkward, overzealous first attempt at "courting"? Is your daughter encouraging his attentions? If she is, then perhaps you need to focus your attention on her behavior rather than on the boy's behavior.

I'd say you need to take a closer look at what your real concerns are here......and then act accordingly. (LOL!! Can you tell I don't have any kids? I make it all sound so easy......)

[DBtoo]

Seven daughters! How funny! Do you have lots of phones in your house?

[ninenot]

Two cells, two land lines. One of the landlines is the ISP dialup, thus also Hotmail and AIM. SO far, it's reasonably controllable.

[Exit148]

"Our 13-year-old (going on 21)

I'm curious -- going on 21 physically or emotionally?

Do you have an inkling of what the messages on the computer, or the phone calls are? What I mean is, is she doing this in the open, or is she trying to keep it away from you.

How about inviting him for breakfast when neither is all dolled up?

My husband used to say that the most protective of fathers were the cut-ups when they were teens themselves --- hence the strictness. LOL! (you devils!)

Getting to know the boy is good.It could work both ways. He can get to know you and respect you also, and that respect will probably be directed toward your daughter.

Open dialogues and plenty of communication. I had one daughter,and 3 sons, who were all teenagers at the same time, (they were all a year apart) and we were constantly talking in the kitchen, when I was cooking, etc. I didn't instigate it, they just came and talked. I understand that the pressures are different now, but back then there were still the drugs and free love stuff, and the skirts up to you know where.

We weren't afraid to say 'no', and the kids knew it. We are all good friends to this day.

After all this, all the aunties and unclies out here will want to know how this all comes out!!

[Dinsdale]

don't believe that stuff about them not knowing what to do at 14.

They know the plumbing. They don't know how to tell her what she wants/needs to hear (as a group, exceptions for children of used car salesmen, preachers and others of the ilk). This was all based on the assumption that the girl was'nt a slag or dumb as dirt. Girls with low self esteem are doomed. If you screwed up when she was six now is when you start to pay.