A History of French "Warfare" (Surrender)

Conquer France! ^ | NA | Conquer France!

[zapiks44]

History of French "Warfare"

Gaul vs. Julius Caesar - Gaul defeated by Rome circa 49 B.C. (Rome defeated the early French swine - the Frenchies had to Hail Julius Caesar as their new leader) Gaul vs. Franks - Gaul defeated by Franks (the 'original' French, replaced by the Franks *sigh*)

Franks vs. Huns - Huns sack Paris circa 450 A.D. (Huns finally defeated here - Attila's ONLY defeat.  Notice it was done by a German-Roman coalition, NOT the Franks) Franks vs. Themselves - Clovis unites Franks into one kingdom around 511 A.D.  He dies and the 'kingdom' falls apart at the seams.  Ever hear of naming a successor or how bout a will?

Franks vs. Muslims - Charles Martel defeats a SMALL Muslim raiding party at the Battle of Tours in 732 A.D.  Muslims lost interest so Charles claimed a 'great victory'.  Notice they didn't follow up and kick the Muslims out of Spain though.....

Franks vs. Franks - Charlemagne crowned 'Emperor of the Romans', Christmas 800 A.D.  Again this 'empire'  fell apart by 840 A.D. - sheesh.  Charlemagne could read but couldn't write - now what sense does that make?   

Franks vs. Vikings - From 841 to 911 A.D. the Viking Warrior-Badasses mopped the Frankish countryside with Frank ass.  France surrenders Normandy to Vikings 911 A.D. (Stupid mid-evil France was easily bullied by real warriors)

Franks vs. Black Death - 1347 - 1350 A.D. Black Death kills Frenchies good.  This plague was said to originate in Mongolia, from the vermin.  BUT, we all know it HAD to have came from the filthy French swine.

France vs. England - 100 Years War 1337 - 1453 A.D.   Battle of Crecy - 1337 A.D. (English hand the French their own asses in the start of the 100 Years War with the timely use of the longbow.  French knights are mowed down like the cannon fodder they were.)  Battle of Poitiers, 1356 A.D. - More of the same.  Battle of Agincourt, 1415 A.D. - Henry V gets some French butt-whoopin' action.  Unfortunately, a heretic freak named Joan of Arc came along and united all the French Frogs and they managed to repel the English.  And we all know where that got her....TOASTY. France vs. World Culture - Renaissance starts in Italy circa 1200's, NOT IN FRANCE.  

France vs. World Exploration/Economics - Commercial Revolution starts - major players are England, Spain, and Portugal.  Notice who ISN'T on that list?

France vs. France - 1572 A.D. St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre by Queen Catherine.  She killed thousands of protestants and Jews.  Hrm...that sounds really familiar - the FINAL SOLUTION ring any bells?  Evidently these bastards were no better than Nazi Germany and yet they are proud of their heritage? 

France vs. Europe - War of Spanish Succession 1648 A.D. (France tries to fight rest of Europe over Spain and looses to Frederick William of Germany) France vs. Europe - 7 Years War or French Indian War 1756 A.D. (France gets beat up on 2 different continents by England and Germany plus the early future Americans - a guy named George Washington ring any bells?)

France vs. France - French Revolution 1789 - 1799A.D. (France kicks their own asses)  Dr. Guillotine makes a handy invention that allows the Frenchies to chop off their own heads with amazing speed - thanks Jacobin Republicans!

France vs. Europe - Waterloo 1815 A.D. (Wellington delivers knockout to Napoleon - 2nd time.  This comes AFTER the Russian Winter destroyed the largest army in the World and the U.S. conned old Nappy in the Louisiana Purchase - WHAT A BARGAIN!)

France vs. France - French Revolution (again) 1848 A.D. (France is still kicking their own asses on a smaller scale)

France vs. Mexico - late 1860s - early 1870s A.D. - France conquers Mexico.  Wow!  Amazing.  What an accomplishment.  Funny though, when the U.S. decided to enforce the Monroe Doctrine and in so many words told France to get the HELL out of our side of the world, they tucked tail and ran.

France vs. Prussia - Franco-Prussian War 1870 A.D. (William I of Germany kicks the teeth out of Napoleon III - good old Willy proclaims himself emperor of Germany at the Palace of Versailles - can you say bitchslap?)  This all started because France opposed the unification of Germany - notice this starts a nasty chain of events that doesn't end till 1945......seems to me we can almost chalk up WWI and II on the dumbass French.  

France vs. Germany - WWI 1914-1918 A.D. (Germany beats the hell out of France - without the aid of USA,  France would be speaking German.  France only won because of Uncle Sam jumped in - then those dumbass sore-winners in  France impose an incredibly harsh Treaty of Versailles to 'punish' the Germans.  Notice the resulting conditions of this allowed the rise of an unknown Austrian named HITLER.

France vs. Germany - Rise of Hitler 1933-1939 A.D. (Germany bullies France into letting them take more territory - the wussies wouldn't even fight over it - they adopted a policy of 'appeasement' - can you say SCARED?)

France vs. Germany Round II - WWII June 22, 1940 A.D. (France surrenders to Hitler at Compiegne after putting up a fight that made Polish Army look good.  Notice Vichy France who quickly jumped ship to be friends with the Germans. And once again without the help of good old Uncle Sam the Atlantic Wall would never have been penetrated - France would either be a part of the 3rd Reich or a satellite country of Communist Russia under Uncle Joe Stalin)

France vs. Vietcong - Vietnam 1954 A.D. (French Army at Dien Bien Phu surrender to Ho Chi Minh)  Nuff Said.

MORAL: Even before Jesus walked the face of the Earth, the French have been getting their asses kicked. The smelly, cheese eating, fu-fu dressing French can't fight worth a damn. You TOO can conquer France!

[weikel]

In 1940 America didn't really have an Army so hes probably correct though if we had more dangerous neighbors we probably would. There would be less guerilla warfare even in America against a Nazi occupation then you think. Every time a resistance person killed a German the Nazis would go hang 10 or 100 people in the town where it happened at random. There is no resistance after a couple incidents like that( and the reason all the effective resistance to the Nazis came from communist is they didn't care about anyone else).

[kcar]

I love French-bashing as much as anyone, but it actually does seems impressive that they conquered Mexico at all. Must have been at a really vulnerable time.

Back to the bashing, I beat a frogger at a chess tournament last week - he was the only thing between me and the prise money. My son asked me later if he offered me his woman. Is that still leagl to say?

[rimmont]

"Let me add, though, to jump to Waterloo and miss 1798 to 1807, when French armies (after 1800, under Napoleon) utterly obliterated the rest of Europe's finest, is simply silly."

Yes, this was the great period of glory for France. So much of the monumental aspect of Paris is centered on monuments to this period. It lasted about as long as the expansion period of the Third Reich.

[BulletBrasDotNet]

"Isn't it about time for the Germans to forget to set the parking breaks on their tanks and conquer France again?"

Works for me. Let's Roll!

[BulletBrasDotNet]

"If I were French, I would feel compelled to kick my own ass too."

You guys are too funny! Wish I found this thread sooner.

[McCloud-Strife]

"You TOO can conquer France!"

No Blood for stinky cheese and wine!
works for lefties, why not me? :-)

[ChadGore]

The forcast calls for a 90% chance for rain in Monday, France surrenders.

[ChadGore]

"Trust the French" (c) Mel Gibson - The Patriot

[JavaTheHutt]

hahahaha! I love this! I was flipping channels yesterday and landed on the History Channel. They were showing the Nazis marching into Paris, while the streets were lined with french men, standing there boohooing big ol' tears running down their faces.

I couldn't help but yell at the tv. If these pansies would stop crying and start fighting, maybe the Nazis wouldn't have been marching down the street in front of their homes.

I started trying to think of someone that the French could go beat up to try to restore their dignity. I couldn't do it. Every country I considered as a possible target for French "agression" (sorry, I know their really isn't any, but you know what I mean), I realized, could totally kick the crap out of the French.

How pitiful to be a French citizen and know that everyone in the world looks at you and thinks "arrogant, rude, pansy, loser".

[JavaTheHutt]

Re your post #23:
That little cry baby on the cover of the book in your picture was the same turdball that got me yelling at the tv yesterday (see my post #89).

[Dick Bachert]

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[RipSawyer]

As I understand it the Norman French were actually the Vikings who took over Normandy before taking over England.

[willyone]

There was an American kingdom for a brief time. It spontaneously dissolved and it's citizens were absorbed into nothing. Before we throw rocks we better look at our own less than wonderful situation. This nation is well on it's way to losing it's national identity. Legalize them all and be done with it. Cheap labor will solve everything.

[LS]

I agree, it was brief. But it was also real, and cannot be simply glossed over. Nor can Martel's success.

[RLK]

I was afraid nobody would see that hidden message in the post. Happily, you have saved the day.

[Shooter 2.5]

I feel the same way about Arkansaw. I always try to gas up in Tennessee or Texas before starting across the border.

[MARETHLINE]

They not only lost in Algeria but in the fifties just as Algeria was fighting for her independence, Morroco and Tunisia started to fight for theirs too. After a few weeks France just gave in and gave them their independence and hey presto lost another two wars!!!
Thats what happens if you try to keep your empire. Us Brits weren't like that though and were nice to our colonies. In fact France have not really won a war in the last century. They did sink a ship though; the Rainbow Warrior. I really do feel sorry for them.
The amount of times we Brits have wooped their ass is just too much!!!
ps The French have lost more wars in 20th century than any other nation.

[Hugin]

a guy named George Washington ring any bells?

As much as I love the father of our country, best not to mention George's role in that one, which was to do his best immitation of the French by immediatly surrendering to them.

In all fairness (not that they deserve it) the French did have a kick-ass army a couple of hundred years ago. But then again, Napoleon was technically not French.

[Calvin Locke]

Mmmmm, I don't see "Haiti" mentioned.

Not that it's really worth mentioning, but, geez, being a Caribbean nation and NOT developing a tourist industry?

[zefrog]

I'd simply say that all the territories in Europe which have been disputed between France and the neighbouring powers (east with Germany during most of the millenium, west and north with Britain mostly-but not only- during the 100 years war, south-west with Spain during the Renaissance and later the classic age, and south-east with Italy during the middle ages, the Renaissance, and the 19th and 20th century) have ended up under French control, which is the reason why France is western Europe's largest country. The only exceptions are the temporary conquests of the revolutionary/Napoleonic wars.

Not bad for a country that supposedly kept on surrendering.