A prayer request

This is the most difficult post I've ever had to write. I've seen a number of people here asking for prayer from other believers. Scripture tells us that this is what we should do in times of crisis; pray one for another. I never thought that I'd be the one having to write a post like this. I need your prayers for myself and my family.

Thursday was the worst day of my entire life. My wife and I were expecting our son to be born next week via Caesarean section. It was scheduled for Wednesday the 12th. My wife went for a last checkup before the birth that afternoon. At that exam, the doctor could not locate a heartbeat. After a we got him out, we could see that he had gotten twisted and tangled in his umbilical cord. My son Forrest had died before he could be born.

I've seen countless news stories about people losing children. Despite having a daughter (She's 5) of my own, I could never imagine the pain that a parent would feel at such a time. I would tried to empathize by asking myself "what if" questions, but I'd find that my mind wouldn't want to go there. I'd shudder and slam that line of thought shut before I went to far and began to get an idea of what terrible things lie in that place. I suppose that the mind won't let you go there because subconsciously you know it's too awful to look at. Now I'm there in that horrible place. I never imagined one could feel such sorrow and pain.

However, in the midst of this great pain, I have had great joy as well. I know that my son is with the Lord right now. I know that he's experiencing joy and happiness far beyond what any of us can imagine. And I wouldn't begrudge him an instant of it. I know that God has a plan for each of our lives. We all have a role to play in His plan. Forrest completed his role and he's gone home. But still, the grief overwhelms me at times. I'll see something of his, a toy or a piece of clothing, and the tears return. I can't begin to describe how much I'll miss him.

There's something else I've learned in all of this pain. However much this hurts me, it hurts God worse. We cannot truly comprehend how much God loves us. And we do not realize how thoroughly he knows what we think and feel. He knows what's happening deep in our souls better than we do. God knows the true extent to which I am hurting. I know that the mind will play little tricks on itself to prevent some traumas from being felt full force and that these little tricks are dulling my pain. I'm not seeing all that there is to see of it. But God is aware of the pain's true magnitude and His love for us magnifies His pain.

I'm trying to keep focused on where Forrest is now; not how he was on Thursday. I need your prayers asking God to help me to keep in the right frame of mind; to not drift off into thoughts of the past. I'm also asking that you pray for my wife. As bad as my pain is, hers is worse. I also need God's guidance in how to help her. I keep remembering the look of panic she had in her eyes as the doctor searched in vain for a heartbeat and how awful I felt not being able to do anything about it for her. Lastly, I ask that you pray for my daughter. At times she talks about how her brother is with God. At other times, she talks how "the doctors are making Forrest better." I cannot tell is she is truly having trouble dealing with this or if it's simply a 5 year old's imagination at work. My wife and I both need God's help in guiding her through this.

My firstborn also had an umbilical cord crisis and survived only because we were in the hospital already. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling, not only in the loss of your dear son, but having to be strong for your wife and daughter.

I know two families who have lost children this way and they will never forget those babies. It used to make me uncomfortable when my friends would refer to events in terms of "before Jeffrey was born" or "after Kimberly died", but the loss of those children was a landmark experience that changed them forever. And though both women have gone on to have other children, they carry the baby they lost in their hearts with them, even having the birthstone pendant added to their "mom" necklaces and mother's rings. They had that baby, therefore they are mother to that baby and always will be. Having that birthstone helps them keep the memory of that child alive and gives them an opportunity to talk about their loss when people say, "I thought you only had X number of children"....

Please talk to other parents who have gone through what you are going through. Allow yourself and your family to experience ALL the emotions relating to grief, including anger...it is okay to be angry about what we don't understand, angry with God, even. David expressed anger and frustration with God from time to time...and God loved him.

As your daughter gets older, she will understand better. One thing I've heard of families doing for grieving siblings was sending a card "up to Heaven" attached to a balloon. Your doctor may have other suggestions for helping her cope with her loss. She will see that you two are sad and may blame herself in the way kids do. She will not understand why her usual antics can't make you smile.

Both families say the hardest part was coming home to the nursery they'd prepared for the baby who would never occupy it. This is one reason I feel it is important to talk to parents who have been there. There are many grief-support groups on the web and your hospital may be able to put you in touch with grief counselors who specialize in child loss. One mother especially had trouble because some insensitive person made a remark which allowed her to fall into that self-blame trap, as if she could have done "something" differently to prevent the loss of her baby. She even felt at some level that her husband blamed her.

Please know that I am praying for you and your family during this time. It is okay to feel, from time to time, that knowing Forrest is "in a better place" is not as good as having him in your arms. It's not selfish to wish he were here instead.

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