Posted on 09/24/2024 5:12:48 AM PDT by Twotone
And now, if we may have a few moments of serious reflection, I give you… a lament for Hezbollah.
They’ve had a great run, those Hez-ballers. Yeah, while everyone else is sliding around third base into the Year of our Lord 2025, these fine young men of the Book Qu’RAN into a little trouble while trying to climb up out of the 90s. Popular Science is rating them “Most Likely to Get Retroactively Killed by Y2K”. Accuracy In Media What Is Happening At This Seattle High School?
Pagers and walkie-talkies? Sure, Abdul, we got pagers and walkie-talkies!
And what a brilliant strategy it was, using these things against the Israelis so they couldn’t be tracked. But just like with every trick they’ve had up their sleeve or clipped to the belt around their dresses… this one blew up in their faces. Or other areas.
You’d think they’d have learned their lesson after it turned out Mossad was listening in on them through their Sony Walkmen, flash-blinding them with the fax machine, dipping their AOL dial-up CDs in anthrax, Rick-rolling their Netscape Navigator comment boards, and delivering neurotoxins directly into their veins through their slap bracelets. How, after all that, could they not see coming that the next Defender of Israel Award will likely go to Motorola?
Somewhere out there, in a lonely corridor of a cobweb-filled shopping mall, there’s a man standing at a dusty kiosk, sighing woefully like he’s the Maytag Repairman – yeah, that’s right kids, we’re cutting deep here. Do you know why he’s sighing? Because up until yesterday, that man had hope. What does he sell at this kiosk, you ask? Pagers. That’s what. And a few weeks ago, he had the largest order he’s had in years! He went home that night, hugged his wife and children, and said, “We’re gonna make it! Pagers are coming back, baby! And I’m going to be on top of the world!”
And then he wakes up yesterday to read the news story…and he knows his goose is cooked. And not just because he lives in Springfield, Ohio, and had a pet goose until recently.
Alas, for that man. And alas, for the large group of people who now, through the modern miracle of overheated and explosive-laced 90s technology, shall forever be known as Hez-balless. These men who give new meaning to terms like “hot pockets”. If there is justice in the hereafter, perhaps those who become unintentional junk bombers will receive twice as many virgins upon entry into Paradise!
And for those nine brave young men who died in the most Wiley E. Coyote way I’ve ever heard of… to you from whom life just took a giant bite of your Allahu-Ack Bar, let me just say this: I hope that the last thing you saw as you raised that pager to your eyes was a message from Mossad – the same message every young boy in the nineties would have sent on a pager. Numerical brevity being also the soul of wit, I hope, appropriately, the message simply read: 80085.
Boobs.
80085?
??
80085?
??
80085
BOOBS
Think 90s tech and you can only write msgs with numbers. Some you hade to look at upside down
304 (hoe)
3104554 (#ssh#l#)
35001 (loose) etc
Boobs. Why ask when it's given?
“From the liver to the knee, no more skin you will see”
CC
71077345 (Shell Oil)
OMG!! LOL!! And the HEADLINE is Hilarious!
The author is too hard on pagers. They still have a billion-dollar market, still growing.
No one is bailing out the terrorists anymore. The US has spent the last 15 years tracking Iranian’s in South America and throughout the world as they relate to attacking American interests abroad, e.g., 1) diplomatic missions, citizens, and business interests. The greatest advantage Iran has held is their worldwide terrorist network - being able to hit hundreds of assets of the US at once. We have been working hard to identify the threat(s). If a war with Iran breaks out, our Special Forces and the old Blue Light operatives will be working in advance to mitigate the threat posed by prepositioned terrorists.
HAMAS and Hezebollah’s destruction are prelude to a war involving regime change in Iran.
I can see it now. "Okay, we'll need to have these pagers checked out by our hardware group before handing them over to the employees. What do you mean we no longer have a hardware group?!"
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