Posted on 12/19/2015 6:54:31 AM PST by Kaslin
If you're a human American over the age of 2, I'm betting I know what you're doing this weekend: you're going to see "Star Wars: The Force Awakens."
The seventh film in the Star Wars series, it had a banner opening night, raking in as much as $60 million. Rentrak projects it will end up earning more than $3 billion.
Which is all to say, the empire surely will not miss my $20.
That's right -- I'm not seeing "Star Wars." So, fans, you don't have to worry -- there won't be any spoilers in this column. I've gone 36 years without seeing more than five collective minutes of the movies and I don't plan to start now.
I have nothing against these movies I've never seen -- although, to be honest, I've never been much of a fantasy fan. Giant glow sticks, Yoda the Hutt and talking R2-3POs aren't my bag. But who knows? Maybe I'd love them. My political friends insist I'd dig their "overtly conservative" themes. Because that's why I go to the movies: politics.
But I'll never know. Peak "Star Wars" is ruining any lingering curiosity I ever had about the movies.
I don't fancy myself a rebel. I love to go with the crowds. Yes, I saw the "Entourage" movie, even though I knew it would be garbage. I didn't just see "The Hunger Games" movies, I read the books. Of course I love Adele.
I'm not above a bandwagon. But there's a time when "buzz" reaches a tipping point, and instead of surrendering to the gravitational pull of mass obsession and joining in, you decide: Nope. Not this time, groupthink. I'm out.
I don't remember "Star Wars" ubiquity ever being this unavoidable. For movies that take place in a galaxy far, far away, they sure have managed to takeover planet Earth. "Star Wars" is stuffed into every commercial crevice of the country. It's overtaking Christmas as the most annoying part of Christmas. Visitors from whatever planet Carrie Fisher comes from would think December 25 is when we celebrate the birth of Darth Vader.
You can't go into a store -- even stores you wouldn't expect "Star Wars" to infiltrate -- without being hit over the head with branding.
CoverGirl has a line of "Star Wars" themed makeup. I know when I'm getting ready I think, How can I look like I just fended off a stormtrooper on a dusty desert planet?
Adidas and Vans, of course, have "Star Wars" sneaks. And I'd love to meet the adult men with pictures of Han Solo on their shoes.
Coffee-Mate makes "Star Wars" character creamers. Something called a Chewbacca adorns the spiced latte flavor. Because, reasons.
But by far the most obnoxious branding effort yet is "Star Wars" themed fruit and vegetables, which Disney justifies by insisting that putting Harrison Ford on a bag of apples is a good way to get kids to eat healthier. (Did you know Disney has a "licensed fruit and vegetables portfolio"? I didn't either, but it really makes you wonder what a company can't commercialize.)
Not surprisingly, "Star Wars" porn is seeing a bit of a boom. Retailer GameLink says sales of "Star Wars XXX" have surged 500 percent in the last two weeks. I guess the force really has awakened.
Aside from annoying me, it would seem like the "Star Wars" marketing machine would anger purists. And yet I don't hear anyone complaining. I asked two of my biggest "Star Wars" fan friends, whom I respect and adore and hope are still my friends after reading this, if any of this saturation bothers them. Both said not even a little.
I don't get it -- I love "Seinfeld," but I don't want to buy Kramer creamer or Elaine-inspired lipstick. Nor do I want to know that, somewhere, someone's getting turned on by a George Costanza parody porno.
On a deeper level, the best part of fandom is the immeasurable joy of feeling like you're part of a special community of brethren, with whom you speak a special language. When your secret club is the entire universe -- and it's all on sale! -- it doesn't feel much like a community anymore.
I've got nothing against "Star Wars" or its fans. Part of me really wants to experience their world. But turning mine into one giant "Star Wars" strip mall is only ensuring I never will.
Ummm...nope.
Got a lot better things to spend my money on other than a couple of hours of sound effects, poor acting and screaming meemies.
I'll be at the indoor pistol range.
Got some important ballistic charting to do on some REAL weapons, not some damned imaginary buzzing, flickering childish crap.
I saw the first three, special effects were great, story line not so much. Creatures looked like men in rubber suits.
Sat through TWO really awful made-for-TV SW movies designed for the preschool crowd. I would rather be waterboarded!
Could not get through the fourth theater film. And it WAS NOT Jar-Jar Binks. Too childish and the creatures looked like men in rubber suits. Lucas later admitted it was made for children.
I think I will pull out my DVD of THE HIDDEN FORTRESS tonight.
We went opening night and my take was the same. The anti-PC crowd is stretching on their claims and I imagine none of them have seen it. The plot line was so thin as to be non-existent in many places, but it was an enjoyable mindless escape. The left has no monopoly on misanthropic curmudgeons.
Yeah that’s the one.
I've yet to see a Star Wars movie and never will. I guess that makes at least 3 of us.
S.E Cupp is an atheist and a non Star Wars fan...... It doesn’t get any worse than that.
Make it three. I haven’t seen any of the movies and I was old enough when the original came out. I am not a Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, etc, fan. Just not my genre. I will, however, watch the Die Hard quadrilogy every year around this time :)
I liked it. Guy had a lever action rifle in it just like one I have. Stainless Marlin..
hans solo dies
his love child with leia is the new darth vader type
Luke’s daughter? is the new jedi
good cgi, though
Frankly, I figured that the franchise was dead after the last 3 dreadful prequels.
And although I’m ok with the original 3, they don’t really rank in my top 20 best movies.
The new movie Jurrasic World, which is still just a rehash again of Jurrasic Park with the same formula, thankfully corrects this. There are of course two kids, but the adults aren't idiots and the kids aren't smarter than them. The smartest thing the kids do is get an old jeep running by replacing the battery. I can believe a high school age kid can do that. But most of the rest of the movie they are running around by themselves when things are going well, but clinging to the adults when things go bad. In fact the adult man is not comic relief, he is allowed to act like an adult man and fix things.
Yes, I can see your point. But he also incorporates needless PC.., ergo his reimagining of the original ET where all the guns were replaced by walkie-talkies....
And to your point also was the SciFi movie about a train wreck, some teenagers and an alien something...
Nope.
I don’t really have anything against “Star Wars.” The first three films were okay, I suppose. But if I want some sci-fantasy kicks, I think I’ll just stay home and watch my dvd of the “Flash Gordon’s Trip to Mars” (1938) serial. Second and best of the trio of serials. And Jean Rogers was a doll.
Well, if I got A FREE DVD I would watch it!
Never saw a whole stars wars movie in my life. Unless you count Spaceballs.
Star Wars Movie “Breaks” at L.A. 3D Premier - Islamic Extremism?
Some waited more than 52 hours in line in order to get the tickets to the 3D premier of “Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens” at Hollywood’s Arclight cinema.
Then the projector just stopped during the night showing. By the time they got it going again, it was toward the end of the movie and did not pick up where the showing had a “technical glitch”.
The audience went crazy. Many started throwing their containers filled with popcorn at the big screen. Loud yelling, booing, protests and anger. Some started to shake their seats and pound on the back of them.
The blame game started next.
Some suspected it was Islamic extremists or recent refugees or Obama immigrants who might have been hired by the theatre and who didn’t like some vague insults to Mohammed conceived in the minds of the some who find Star Wars as “anti-Islamic”.
Others suspected “Republican operatives” to discourage others from trying to go to the movie on Saturday, as one movie goer said “Everyone knows hardly anyone is going to watch this Saturday’s Democratic Party debate because most people will be going to the Star Wars movie, so a Republican did this because the operative wants a few more folks to watch the debate because they know the more people see Hillary, the more people cannot stand her” ...
A few thought it was an attempt to bolster popcorn sales. “But no one is going to leave their seat to go get popcorn, some illegal alien may take it” said one upset viewer.
Loretta Lynch is planning on making a public pronouncement that we need to protect the Muslim Community as the top priority over protecting Americans from terrorism, and is asking for a halt of sales of all Star Wars laser-swords as they will definetly be used to “intimidate and threaten or commit violence” on Muslims.
“Someone got to the projector guy with a threat” to shutdown the showing in the middle of the show “or else”, said one angered ticket holder. “I don’t know if it was a Syrian refugee running the projector or not, but maybe someone got to the projector guy”... Many in the audience were obviously frightened that a terrorist attack was about to start.
ISIS has not made any claim to responsibility, but there was an ISIS twitter “Praise Allah, the Star Wars devil goes silient in Zionist Hollywood itself! Allahu Akbar أكبر !” ...
Star Wars premiers are banned in the Islamic State as being “the work of devils and Jews”.
I am concerned that the “group think” of PC is going to praise this no matter how bad.
This is like “dances with smurfs” aka avatar.
now I am seeing “strong woman” articles and women take over star wars. If it goes full pc then abrams ruined another franchise.
(perhaps they should spin off Han Solo and Chewie)
Add me to the list. Special effects and photo-shopped stuff aren’t my thing. I don’t even know what the original plot of SW is and that makes me happy.
It doesn’t interest me and it never did. In 1977 I waited in a crazy long line with my brother to see the first one. He absolutely loved it while I was indifferent. I didn’t hate it, just didn’t care. I hate the pagan Eastern thought that’s a part of the whole thing, but if I was interested in the sci-fi genre that wouldn’t keep me from watching. If others want to see it, that’s fine. I am certain if I went I would nod off.
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