Posted on 12/19/2015 6:54:31 AM PST by Kaslin
If you're a human American over the age of 2, I'm betting I know what you're doing this weekend: you're going to see "Star Wars: The Force Awakens."
The seventh film in the Star Wars series, it had a banner opening night, raking in as much as $60 million. Rentrak projects it will end up earning more than $3 billion.
Which is all to say, the empire surely will not miss my $20.
That's right -- I'm not seeing "Star Wars." So, fans, you don't have to worry -- there won't be any spoilers in this column. I've gone 36 years without seeing more than five collective minutes of the movies and I don't plan to start now.
I have nothing against these movies I've never seen -- although, to be honest, I've never been much of a fantasy fan. Giant glow sticks, Yoda the Hutt and talking R2-3POs aren't my bag. But who knows? Maybe I'd love them. My political friends insist I'd dig their "overtly conservative" themes. Because that's why I go to the movies: politics.
But I'll never know. Peak "Star Wars" is ruining any lingering curiosity I ever had about the movies.
I don't fancy myself a rebel. I love to go with the crowds. Yes, I saw the "Entourage" movie, even though I knew it would be garbage. I didn't just see "The Hunger Games" movies, I read the books. Of course I love Adele.
I'm not above a bandwagon. But there's a time when "buzz" reaches a tipping point, and instead of surrendering to the gravitational pull of mass obsession and joining in, you decide: Nope. Not this time, groupthink. I'm out.
I don't remember "Star Wars" ubiquity ever being this unavoidable. For movies that take place in a galaxy far, far away, they sure have managed to takeover planet Earth. "Star Wars" is stuffed into every commercial crevice of the country. It's overtaking Christmas as the most annoying part of Christmas. Visitors from whatever planet Carrie Fisher comes from would think December 25 is when we celebrate the birth of Darth Vader.
You can't go into a store -- even stores you wouldn't expect "Star Wars" to infiltrate -- without being hit over the head with branding.
CoverGirl has a line of "Star Wars" themed makeup. I know when I'm getting ready I think, How can I look like I just fended off a stormtrooper on a dusty desert planet?
Adidas and Vans, of course, have "Star Wars" sneaks. And I'd love to meet the adult men with pictures of Han Solo on their shoes.
Coffee-Mate makes "Star Wars" character creamers. Something called a Chewbacca adorns the spiced latte flavor. Because, reasons.
But by far the most obnoxious branding effort yet is "Star Wars" themed fruit and vegetables, which Disney justifies by insisting that putting Harrison Ford on a bag of apples is a good way to get kids to eat healthier. (Did you know Disney has a "licensed fruit and vegetables portfolio"? I didn't either, but it really makes you wonder what a company can't commercialize.)
Not surprisingly, "Star Wars" porn is seeing a bit of a boom. Retailer GameLink says sales of "Star Wars XXX" have surged 500 percent in the last two weeks. I guess the force really has awakened.
Aside from annoying me, it would seem like the "Star Wars" marketing machine would anger purists. And yet I don't hear anyone complaining. I asked two of my biggest "Star Wars" fan friends, whom I respect and adore and hope are still my friends after reading this, if any of this saturation bothers them. Both said not even a little.
I don't get it -- I love "Seinfeld," but I don't want to buy Kramer creamer or Elaine-inspired lipstick. Nor do I want to know that, somewhere, someone's getting turned on by a George Costanza parody porno.
On a deeper level, the best part of fandom is the immeasurable joy of feeling like you're part of a special community of brethren, with whom you speak a special language. When your secret club is the entire universe -- and it's all on sale! -- it doesn't feel much like a community anymore.
I've got nothing against "Star Wars" or its fans. Part of me really wants to experience their world. But turning mine into one giant "Star Wars" strip mall is only ensuring I never will.
SE seems pretty grumpy lately. I wonder if she is having some personal issues.
I watched a Seinfeld XXX porno that was actually funny enough I fast-forwarded through the naughty bits to chew through it. It even had a porn Nazi...
I normally don’t see movies in the theater but I will make a special effort to not see this one because of the PC B.S.
I stood in line two hours for the first Star Wars movie. Since then, blah. Natalie Portman and young Annikin ruined it all for me. I have no use for the last three movies...Episodes 1-3. The first three were fun (4-6) but it should have died there...
The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith are so awful ............. Honestly, I can’t respect anyone who liked them. That’s three of the worst big budget movies ever made. They fail in every possible way. No way I’m venturing out to the theater to see another, even with a different director. If it’s good, it will still be good later. My guess is that political correctness will be all over it.
She works for CNN as a ‘supposed’ conservative. She probably hates playing one as a born liberal.
I always thought the original Star Wars film was cartoon-like and it’s plot line aimed at a younger crowd (I was 15 in 1977). So I never caught the Star Wars bug. It was OK as far as special effects went, but the story was weak.
Yeah, this is how liberals felt about Reagan...
I’ve noticed an unreasonable amount of related marketing, but so what? Then I scroll down and see who wrote what...if you re-read the article...is easily boiled down to “ME-ME-ME-ME-ME..”
...it’s S.E. Cupp.
‘nuff said.
So I guess the Chewbacca Crocs are out?
There are three of us. I wouldn’t watch it if someone gave me the DVD.
Three
Then I guess you saw that Jurassic Park follow on with Jeff Goldblum and his African American daughter. They didn’t even show the wily Nubian beauty who captured this putz’ heart and produced the daughter.
She supposedly was a gymnast and the one big scene devoted for her was in a pump shed where raptors surrounded the trio in it. Climbing higher and higher as one raptor broke in, our gymnast breaks out her parallel bar routine and she takes a multi-swing, multi-bar windup (instead of moving higher with the others) and she outright knocks that effer Raptor out brilliantly! What a crock of contrived fake horse pucky. I stopped watching it right then and there.
Spoiler alert:
Gollum somehow survived being thrown into Mt. Doom and is now the leader of the dark side. Oh, and he changed his name to Snoke.
I saw it last night. I didn’t really see much PC-ness there, but there were some plot elements that did not make much sense. Still, it was better than episodes I - III.
Other than the fact that the dark side leader is now Gollum (aka Snoke), I am not giving away any more spoilers.
Yeah that is what I thought too, but she probably included the pop corn, soda’s etc.
Ironically Jurassic World is the one of two movies I paid to see over the last five years (I was forced to take my nephew to a movie). I picked Jurassic World as I read the PC nonsense wasn’t too bad in it.
If that’s the latest one with the guy from the SciFi movie about the defenders of the galaxy (forget the name), I liked it. It was a pretty enjoyable movie with no PC I really thought about.
Make it THREE.......
Yeah, SE Cupp... the so-called “conservative” pundit who is pro-amnesty, pro-dope, and pro-faggot marriage.
Regardless of what topic, she can just drop dead as far as I’m concerned.
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